Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

ATTACHMENT IN ADOPTION

Conclusion: the parts that resonated most with me.

(Read Part 1 here, or Part 2 here or Part 3 here)

Online course offered by AFABC
Presented by Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC
Hosted by Erin Melvin, AFABC

Children are adaptable:

Thank goodness for this understanding and this discussion. I am extremely thankful to be learning about this now and not back when it was believed a child was doomed!

Always keep this in mind when things are difficult.

With Love, patience, understanding, good tools and security, your child will adapt and change.

Be patient, allow your child to grow at the pace that feels safe and secure to them, never make them feel like they are letting you down.

Don’t react!

That was a big conversation. Don’t react.

As a parent of an adopted child it is your responsibility to not be drawn into the reactive eruptive environment of this child’s fears. Instead, remember what they have been through, see the fears, see where they have stemmed from in the past, and respond soothingly.

Every situation that is reactive is an opportunity to soothe.

Actually, that was an overlay of the entire course:

Every situation is an opportunity to soothe.

Regression:

The course instructor told us over and over that a child regressing into infantile behaviors, speech patterns, or physical actions – was an opportunity to form attachments.

She explained that a child regressing is a great, great thing.

And here’s why:

This gives you the opportunity to go “back” with that child to that point in their life and BE THERE for them this time around. It’s an opening for you to attach with them from their regressed place. Then when they fast forward to now (and they will) they will have a feeling you were there for them at that ‘regressed’ time and it may allow them to let that painful/fearful memory recede, or at least diminish so it’s not as pronounced next time it crops up until it no longer does.

It was discussed that children who have been through trauma – and foster care and adoption are both traumatic without any other situations or stimulants from their childhood – will often regress on strange things and flip back and forth between them.

For example, a child may be able to tie their shoes every day for months, and then one day is unable to work it out. Or a child may be potty trained, or toilet trained, and then all of a sudden needs to go back to pull-ups.

This is OK.

The instructor told us: Don’t react, or belittle the child by chiding that they “could do it yesterday”.

Never make a child feel bad about these regressions, but understand and accept that this regression is really the child allowing you to be there to guide them through these life lessons.

A regression is more about them wanting to connect with you and be nurtured by you, than it is about the activity they are unable to do.

Personally, I loved this line of thinking. It resonated with me to not shun the behavior but to see it as an opportunity to connect, nurture, teach, and Love.

Beautiful.

She assured us that as parents we would know the difference between an ‘acting out’ behavior and a ‘fear-based attachment behavior’, because we would feel the difference.

Learn about your child:

Throughout all three sessions it was discussed that parents must focus on learning as much about their child as they possibly can.

It was recommended that an adoptive parent:

• have a good understanding of the child’s back-story and what that child has been through,
• write out the types of fears that child may have had because of that story,
• gather a list of reactions, behaviors, and actions that the child may have used to feel safe
• note any triggers that you see in your child, or that you have been advised about from a foster parent or social worker, and try to minimize those triggers in the new environment.

It was suggested that the parent always, always, always keep these things in mind when the child behaves in a way that seems inflated to any given situation.

Remember that those reactions may have worked in situations that started like this one in a child’s past, these responses may have kept them safe and given them a feeling of power in an unstable environment.

Education:

Be sure to educate yourself on attachment and attachment related techniques and language to help the attachment process as much as possible.

Use language that promotes inclusion and understanding:

• “I can tell you are scared and you <insert behavior> to feel safe. You don’t need to do that anymore because I am here to be with you and make you feel safe.”
• “Your room, house, brother, sister, family, pet, etc.” or “my daughter, son, grandchild, family.”
• “In this house we…”
• “I can tell by your face/body language that you are feeling angry/sad/scared… will you talk to me and tell me what you are feeling with your words.”

Use play wherever possible to lighten the mood and gain a deeper understanding of what your child is feeling.

Attend courses, like this one, to learn as much as you possibly can to help make the transition as smooth as possible.

Read the books on attachment such as the ones listed here:

 

 

 

Take good care of yourself.

If you are not sleeping, or holding in your own emotions without an outlet, or ignoring your health and your own happiness – you have nothing to give your child who needs you now more than ever. Take time for yourself, connect with yourself, Love yourself through this, and make sure you have support and encouragement from at least one person who is empathetic to what you are going through.

Take care of you, so you will have time, energy, and Love to give your child.

Conclusion:

This was a well thought out course with a lot of information provided in the three hours over the three weeks. I appreciated that there was mention of resources for more information (see the books listed above) and that the course base was strong but flexible, being guided by the participants’ questions.

Here are the 7 main points I took away from this series:

1. Don’t React!
2. Learn – as much about your child specifically, and try to imagine how their behaviour served them in their past situations by giving them a feeling of power or security.
3. Learn – about attachment and the language you can use to help facilitate healthy attachment
4. Regression is a good thing – see regression as the child’s faith in your ability to be there for them this time around
5. Every situation is an opportunity to soothe and Love
6. Trust your feelings (trust your gut)
7. Children are adaptable!!

Now over to you:

Do you have any experience with Attachment? Any thoughts you would like to share?

Do you recommend any books, courses, or resources on Attachment?

I would love to read your thoughts and comments…

Kind regards,

Ali Jayne 🙂