Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

Is a Single Parent enough?

Like many expectant mothers, I am analyzing everything I do now, everything I believe now, I’m imagining future scenarios and future conversations with my children at various stages of their life – and at various ages.

I’m wondering if I am truly equipped to be a mom.

Am I ready enough? Sane enough? Stable enough?

Good questions right!?

And the big one:

Is it selfish to take children away from a potential two-parent family?

(That’s the one that always gets me)

On the Ministry’s website and in the magazine that I receive from the Adoptive Families Association of BC they feature profiles of the kids that are currently in the foster care system and cleared for adoption.

Many of the profiles have a statement at the end from the child such as: “Timmy (always a pseudonym) would like a home with a big backyard, two cats, a dog, and a swimming pool.”  Or something like that.

Many of those profiles clearly state that they want a “mom and a dad”.

“A mom AND a dad”

(Note: some of the profiles that don’t have a statement from the child, do have one from their social worker saying “would do well in a two-parent family”.)

Imagine it:  you’ve been moved around a lot in your very short amount of years already, likely since you were born. Stability has not been present in your every day life, there may have been withholding of love, affection, food, or any number of other things we can often take for granted. There may have been abuse, combined with behavioral features that have served you well in the volatile, sometimes frightening, definitely uncertain, upbringing and so you have also likely been labelled you “troubled”.

What would you be dreaming of?

I know I would be dreaming of a mom and a dad who loved me, who saw the best in me, and who would protect me from everything and everyone. I would be dreaming of that “picture-perfect movie family” that lives in the ‘burbs and comes complete with the family pets and the mini-van. Where everyone laughs and smiles at the dinner table each night, and we all go on wacky vacations.

Even though I wasn’t in the foster care system, I too dreamed of that kind of family in my early years and, thankfully, when my mom married my step-dad I had that kind of family for a good 10 years.

Huh. I keep forgetting I’ve been there! I LOVED my step-family; it was an answer to my own early childhood prayers. The best part about it though was my step-dad, who I adored and was the best parent I had. That’s perhaps where this question within me arises about being a single parent.

As I read these profiles, I picture the three of us (because I’m hoping to be matched with a sibling group) playing in the back yard, or taking a bike ride, or going on a family vacation, or reading a story before bedtime, or snuggling in for the night with a movie and popcorn…and then I get to the end of the profile those words burn through my fantasies like a brush-fire on a hot summer day.

There is no way I could take those dreams from them.

Am I being selfish for even considering it?

Of course, having one parent who loves you and protects you and tries in every day to encourage you to be the best you can be, would be a wonderful thing for any child. And I am ready to be that parent.

Please don’t misunderstand my position here, this is not a dig at single parents. I know many who are great moms or dads and are giving their children the best life possible. It is through knowing them and seeing how successful and happy their family is, that I have even considered becoming a parent myself.

This is about the dreams of a child that has had a tough start, who may not have had the experience – ever – of a loving environment except for the images they’ve seen on a TV screen, or through the experiences of their friends.

When you’ve dreamed of something for years and years, and then you’re matched with just a mom. Is that fair? Is that just one more blow that life has shined on you?

Especially when I don’t even have family of my own to share with them, I have no parents to dote on them, no local siblings to spoil them, AND no dad for them. Just me.

Am I enough?

I do have some fantastic friends who are my family, and they will have a multitude of aunts and uncles from here and around the world who will love them. Plus they will have dual-citizenship should they grow up and decide they’d like to try their luck in Australia.

That is something. Though I suspect not much comfort for a young child who may not yet dream of seeing the world.

I also have a lot of love to give. I am almost Pollyanna in my positivity. I believe that everything will always work out – maybe even today! And I’m ready to nurture and guide and protect and encourage. I will always believe in them. And I will love them unconditionally even if no one else understands it.

That has to count for something.

I may not be single forever… and they may one day have a dad. Right now, I am truly happy on my own and equally open to spending my life with someone I love. But for a child just starting out, will this be a hard pill to swallow?

Is it a child’s right to have a two-parent family?

Is it irresponsible of me to want to be a single parent to two children?

These are good questions and I feel glad I’m asking them, rather than just surging ahead completely unaware of the consequences of my actions. I want to be as honest with myself in this process as I can be, and as clear and clean in my approach to this very special and delicate journey. This is a lifetime commitment, not to be taken lightly, and I want what is best for everyone in my future family.

What are your thoughts? Leave me a comment below.

Warm smiles and Love,
Ali Jayne