I am currently on vacation from work… woop-woop!

Never have I needed time off as much as I did this time around because I’ve never before worked in a job like the one I have right now.

I feel a bit like a slave to my employer. Overtime has become a part of my everyday existence for at least 3 weeks out of every month, and I don’t like it.

In a two week period this past month I worked 45 hours overtime, and that does not include the numerous 15 minute breaks that I didn’t take though they are a part of my work contract.

It’s been brutal and grueling and from where I stand there does not seem to be an end in sight.

What does that mean for me?

It definitely means I’m looking for new opportunities.

However, because I’m in the waiting part of Adoption limbo, I feel that I should try to stick it out until I receive a match and have a transition for placement lined up. I feel that I should wait until I am on parental leave (37 weeks) before I throw in the towel at my current place of employment and seek new beginnings.

Why?

My job pays well (a city type of salary, unheard of in any other job in our small town), it’s a union job (a.k.a., can’t be fired), has benefits (medical/dental, etc…), and I get a good amount of vacation time (when I can actually take it), the job is local – literally 3 minutes from my home and I come home for lunch every day, and on the non-stress days (very rare of late) the location is quite beautiful, right on the ocean.

So those are the reasons to wait it out.

What are the reasons to walk right now?

The demise of my quality of life, the lack of personal time, the destruction of my sanity, the lack of energy at the end of the day or the end of the week to do the things I love to do – to do the things that energise me. Plus the constant pressure, the lack of compassion or recognition from the company, and the stress.

Feeling like a caged bird whose beak has been clamped shut and whose wings have been clipped.

All very good reasons to leave sooner.

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mind working hard or long hours if it’s something I am passionate about, but doing something I don’t love… nuh-uh!

I’ve never held a job as long as this one because I’ve always enjoyed the process of learning a new job, honing my skills, and then moving up another step to learn something new. I have stayed as long as I have at this company for the “Why?” reasons above, and because I wanted to build a family.

Something about becoming a mom and building a family as a single mom made me feel that I needed to be settled in a local, secure, well-paying job so I could provide as well as a two parent family.

However, the reason for the increase in overtime is an expanding and changing of the company’s primary focus and I realise now that with the changing business even with the pros, the job is no longer family friendly.

Especially for a single mom.

Some days I worked 12 hours, from 7am to 8pm (with an hour for lunch, so 13 hours in total), for two solid weeks I worked 7 days with one day off and then 8 days with one day off – right through two weekends.

Sure, I received additional pay that pay period but what is the point of money if you have no time or energy to use it?

And as a parent, what point would the money be if my children are in someone else’s care most of the time? What point would that overtime money be if it is just covering someone else to care for my children?

An absent single parent is not the kind of parent I want to be.

Of course, I am getting ahead of myself. First I have to have an adoption match(!), then there are the 37 weeks of parental leave, and then it would be time to worry about excessive overtime.

However, I feel these are great things to acknowledge right now so that unless some major changes happen at the company I work for, then I know that I will need to find a new job before those 37 weeks are up. Or sooner.

In the meantime, I’m padding out my adoption fund with all of the overtime money, and will do my best to look after me in the midst of the pressure.

There are many things about the waiting part of this adoption journey that I’m finding uncomfortable, and this life in limbo is one of them.

My SW tells me I have to continue to live my life, without putting it on hold.

But realistically as a future mom and a single mom I want to ensure I have the best foundation for my new family. That means to me – not making rash moves prematurely (like changing jobs, or moving house), and not spending unwisely (like taking a stay-cation instead of a real vacation away somewhere), until we are matched and together.

These are all unusual feelings for me to have. I’ve always enjoyed travel and have enjoyed taking a vacation every year to some far away destination without much thought given to the cost. I have changed jobs many, many times in my life because a job has never been more than a means to the next great adventure, and a way to pay the bills until my real dreams manifest.

The idea of saving, of not travelling, of staying in a “secure” local job, is foreign to me – but also reinforces for me that I am ready to be the responsible parent.

A thought that keeps niggling at me though – and is one that is very important to me as a parent-to-be – is that I want to:

Lead by example.

When I have children, I don’t ever want them to feel that they are “stuck” in life, like they have no choices. I don’t want them to feel like their dreams have to die out and that the only option for them is the 9-5. I especially don’t want them to feel that their dreams have to die out when they in turn have a family.

I want my children to believe that no matter where you find yourself, you can always make a new choice. Always.

My own mother was bitter while I was growing up about not getting the chance to go to University and become an anthropologist or a teacher (two things I heard her talk about). Yet, she could have done those things as an adult. Instead she taught me about “pipe dreams” and that you have to “get your head out of the clouds” and people have to get a “real job” because “life is unfair”.

I don’t want to be a bag of excuses and bitterness around my children; working an unfulfilling job, penny-pinching at every turn, and generally feeling sorry for myself and the state of my life. I certainly don’t want to blame my life on my children either… “if it weren’t for you, I’d have been…”

I want them to grow up believing that they can change their lives at any point because their mom did. I want them to think to themselves “I want to be…” and know that they can. I want them to think, “I know I can because mom never stopped believing in her dreams, she never settled or gave up.”

Yet, I also want to provide for them and ensure they have the opportunities to follow their heart.

Perhaps it’s a fine line to walk.

I often hear moms tell me that being a mom is about compromise, and sure there are times where putting your child’s needs first will be important…but (in my opinion as a yet to be mom) not at the risk of teaching them that life is full of sacrifice and that adulthood is devoid of dreams or possibilities for a better future. Not if I’m teaching my children that there is a point where “reality” sets in and our dreams of youth have to stop.

The greatest achievement for a parent (I feel, at this point in time, and this is a fluid feeling of constant change!) would be to see their children aspire to be the best of themselves and to follow their hearts regardless of the obstacles around them. For our children to be completely happy and fulfilled in the way they live their lives.

How can I inspire my children to do this if I am not happy or fulfilled, if I am not being true to my own heart?

There is a fire in my heart to be more than a coordinator for some company whose business doesn’t interest or inspire me to be all that I can be. I want to be more than a cog in a wheel.

I have dreams, big beautiful dreams, for my life. I am a creative soul. I need to feel the light in my heart dancing with possibilities and feel passion thrumming through my veins.

I want to live an inspired life and I want to inspire others to do the same.

Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed, rejoiced and delighted in, it’s meant to be exciting and heart-racing and filled with passion…in my humble opinion!

Next week, I will go back to work and put in the overtime with a smile on my face while I pad out my adoption fund. I will do this so that I am able to make positive changes when the gift of motherhood is granted to me.

And, if an amazing opportunity presents itself, then perhaps the time is NOW to make some positive changes. I need to be proud of me, and to believe in myself if I am going to pass those qualities onto my kids.

No matter what transpires, I will continue to write when I have the inspiration and energy, I will continue to learn and grow in the ways that make me feel fulfilled, and I will continue to dream. I will never stop dreaming.

How about you… When you were ready to be a parent, did you feel as though you put your life on hold until your children arrived?

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂