Online course offered by AFABC Presented by Randy Simpson and Cathy Gilbert Hosted by Erin Melvin, AFABC

Rider: My notes here are written as the sessions flowed for me and are about the subjects that caught my attention. These sessions held much more information than is presented here and discussions were often driven by the course participants and their questions. If you are considering adoption and either have children already or are interested in adopting siblings then I would highly recommend attending this course.

Click here for my Part 1 overview.

This second session in the series focused more on adopting a sibling group, rather than extending an existing family through adoption.

We started the course with some statistics about how many children were currently – at the time of the course – registered for adoption in BC (did not include kids in foster care).

The numbers were staggering:

• Approx. 1045 kids registered for adoption
• Approx. 95 sibling groups of 2 or more
• Approx. 23 sibling groups of 3 or more
• Approx. 7 sibling groups of 4 or more

We recapped the types of sibling groups: blood relation, step, half, foster, psychological (fictive kin)…

It was discussed that the “Fictive Kin” (psychological) siblings that are not blood related but have been like siblings during their short years, often are the tightest bond and the ones that adopted children will grieve the most if separated.

We talked about attachment principles and how many of the children that have not had the opportunity to attach consistently to an adult in their lives may have formed the kind of ‘parent/child’ attachment to a sibling (of any type).

The siblings are frequently the ones who look after, nurture, support, protect, and care for each other – when there are no adults in their lives playing this role, and/or when there are transient adults playing this role.

This means that separation from any sibling no matter the type, is often harder for a child than the separation from a parent.

A sibling group that has been together through multiple placements may have been the only constant in each other’s lives. If they have moved many times in their short lives with multiple caregivers all of whom had their own way of parenting, then it’s easy to understand how strong and important this bond between siblings (of any description) has become.

Older siblings.
Older siblings who have played the parental role for their younger siblings will find it difficult to relinquish this role. This was a big topic and there was much discussion around this topic and how to encourage the older sibling to release their parental role and reassume the role of a child.

Many of the older siblings have been “parents” for so long they missed their childhood altogether and never learned how to be cared for, or how to be kids.

One great suggestion was to give them a pet, so that they can continue with the caregiver role, but let go of the need to parent their sibling.

Cathy mentioned that in her experience this simple strategy has helped many older siblings adjust as they need to feel like they are still validated as a caregiver.

Sibling rivalry.
It was discussed that sometimes sibling assault (more than normal sibling fights and squabbles) is sadly a large statistic. Be aware, take notice, and take action.

Many kids dealing with huge emotions take it out on the one person who has been a constant, and who often becomes the main source of resentment.

A little of my own story.
I remember when I became a part of a larger family. I was a few months shy of 8 years old when we moved in with my step-dad and his three children. As an only child for nearly 8 years it took some adjustments to begin sharing a room with two other girls!

My parents made it a little special, in that they gave us the “master bedroom” and my parents took a smaller room down the hall. We also got to pick out new bed frames and new duvet covers. We shared a room for approximately 3 years before we moved to a different state and a bigger house. (I am terrible with timelines, so give or take a year either side!)

When we did move there were enough bedrooms in the house for all four of us kids to each have one of our own. Wow, we had all gotten along pretty well before this time, but now there was bedroom sizes, and views, and positions, to fight over!

I had come into the family as the second oldest child. My brother was 14 months older, my sister was 13 months younger and my other sister was about 12 months younger than her. So in essence I was the oldest girl. However, until I came along my sister was the oldest girl and she felt she should get the bigger room facing the front of the house.

We argued over it for a few weeks before we moved in and eventually I conceded to her will – but I stopped talking to her too. I did not speak a word to her for nearly 3 weeks before she burst into tears and begged my forgiveness. I feel a bit ashamed about that behaviour now, but at the time, not speaking to her was an easy solution and it gave me a whole lot of time in my room by myself. And I actually adored my room! It was smaller, sure, but it was so cozy and was painted a light purple colour. The view from my window was of the backyard which backed onto a creek with lots and lots of large gum trees. They were absolutely beautiful and fed my imagination like a buffet. I adored that room and my space within it, in my opinion it was the choice of the rooms on offer – hands down.

Once we were talking again she promised me that if we moved again I could have the bigger room.

We moved the very next year, and I did get the bigger room – again, in my opinion the choice of the bunch! So it all worked out well for me.

Other than that once incident, we never really had any real barneys. We fought like kids do, and we argued – most often with my brother, who unfortunately always got the blame for everything that happened! I was closest to my brother and the sister closest in age to me. The younger one was often left out. We all looked out for her though and anytime anyone picked on her at school all three of us stepped in and became protector.

My years with my siblings were the happiest in my childhood. I don’t remember interacting so much with my parents during that time – everything was about “us kids”, as we called ourselves, and our shenanigans. We had the best time and really, all four of us were close, we loved each other fiercely, and we protected each other too.

The sister that I stopped speaking to for the three whole weeks – was actually my best friend for those 10 years we were together as a family and other than those very weeks, we two were completely inseparable. Except when I hung out with my brother at home, she and he didn’t get along so well.

Our family was made up of four kids all with different biological parents:

• My brother was adopted – so had his own set of biological parents
• I had my mother and my biological dad
• My sister was adopted – and had her own set of biological parents
• My youngest sister was my step-dad’s child with his first wife who died not long after her birth.

All four of us were very proud that we all had different parents, and that we were family anyway, and I feel that this experience has helped me understand how vital siblings are to children growing up. I had 8 years without them, and 10 years with them, and with them was better – much, much, better!

Okay…back to the seminar….

Post adoption assistance & services.
Cathy briefly covered the fact that post adoption assistance is available for sibling groups in the form of a monthly cash supplement. This is income tested. She encouraged anyone who is adopting siblings to take the test and see if you qualify. For more information click through to the MCFD website or contact your social worker.

There are also post adoption services supported by the MCFD. Some of these services include: counselling and assessments, many different medical services, orthodontics and dental services, and respite care funding. I’ve attached a full list downloaded from the website PAAservices.

That was the end of my notes for this session because I was so engrossed in the course itself and all that was being discussed I didn’t take as many notes as I would have liked! There were many other great topics discussed by Cathy. She also shared a variety of stories from raising 16 children and how she helped all of them adjust to their new family and to their new siblings.

All of what she shared, and all that was covered in this course reinforced for me that I want to adopt a sibling group rather than a single child. It felt good to have that feeling gain more certainty through this course.

If you have the opportunity to attend any session that Cathy is facilitating I would highly recommend soaking in some of her abundant and practiced knowledge.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂