Hiatus

Every-day-we-start-anew

Taking a hiatus.

Another way of saying withdrawing into a slump of hopelessness.

Followed, of course, by the journey back to a place where hope dwells.

I remember years ago, in my early 20’s, I had started seeing my bio-dad again. He was sick (MS), had been all my life, and I found it emotionally challenging to spend time with him.

Multiple Sclerosis (MS). MS. Like reducing it to letters lessens the blow, makes it easier to say, and makes it easier to accept. It doesn’t. Hard for a child to witness the deterioration of a parent. Harder still for a parent to witness in a child. And hardest for the person going through it, bearing painful and constant witness to their own deterioration, without the ability to halt, stop, or reverse. I used to sit as a young child through adulthood and imagine what it must be like for him. My heart and stomach twisting with the frustration of a body that refuses command, tears streaming down my face. It made me want to scream out at the unfairness of it. At the cruel torture of it. And sometimes it was too much for me to feel, and I would block it and him from my mind. That is my shame.

I promised to see him more often.

Then weeks passed and I hadn’t called, then months, then years.

I was painfully aware of this divide, and of the promise I’d broken.

Yet, it was the steadily marching passage of time and the guilt that I felt over it that stopped me picking up the phone.

Even at the two week stage.

By the time months had passed, I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I’d left it so long. The thought of explaining my absence was a greater obstacle than picking up the phone and calling.

Years went by. Years.

When I finally saw him again years – and years – later, he cried. Hard.

It both broke my heart and cleansed my guilt. He didn’t hate me, he didn’t blame me; he loved me. He missed me. And I missed him. So much.

Oh… a whole new level of guilt. I worked through it, and began to see him every weekend for the next year while I was in the same city. It was a wonderful year of forgiveness, of cleansing, of releasing some of my fears and discomfort, and – most importantly – of reconnection, even though he was only able to speak in very short bursts we reconnected as beloved father and daughter. I’m so grateful to have had that time with him before he passed onto the next realm.

The hiatus though…

This same pattern is how I’ve felt about this blog.

First one week passed, and I felt the pressure, the acknowledgement, that I had not posted, then two weeks with the constant awareness that I had not written a word, then a month, then two, then three.

Guilt. Defiance. Shame.

On a much lesser scale obviously, though I love my blog in a way that it feels like a part of me it is not the same as a father that I loved and adored with all of my heart and soul. Still the process has been the same. The looming emotions of not doing something that I want to do, and then feeling unable to come back the more time that passes.

The internal  emotion and process is the same.

I kept telling myself, I have nothing left to say. What would I talk about? The adoption is on hold until I find somewhere affordable to live. And I can’t find somewhere affordable to live in my town, so now that is hinged on me finding a job somewhere else, which is proving harder than I imagined. And the days march into weeks, into months, into…years.

(Please… not years.)

A realisation dawned.

I may only have a sprinkling of readers. Those who are not physically known to me, read my blog because they are a part of the adoption world and I appreciate their eyes and ears tracking with their own journey through the sometimes murky territory of adoption.

Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for reading all of this time, for hanging in there with me, for connecting with me on Facebook or Twitter, and for sharing your thoughts with me personally or as comments. I love you. You help me grow and believe, and I appreciate you so much.

I may not have too much to say about adoption now from a personal perspective, until I find myself in a new town, with a house, and new job, but it doesn’t mean I have nothing to say period.

When I started this blog it was going to be my journey to motherhood, the things I needed to see/overcome/accept in myself to allow me to be the person that would be the mother my child needed, without my own personal baggage weighing me down.

My goal was to become a clean slate.

And that will involve a lot of cleansing – still!

So now, my blog will transform as I transform as I move through the time of my life. There will still be references to adoption – in fact, I have a post ready to publish about Post Adoption Assistance – and they will most likely be full of a yearning on my part to hold my future child.

While I am no longer “active” as an adoptive parent, the yearning to be a mom has not disappeared.

It may even be stronger than ever before… and growing by the day.

I am still living, and there are many things I’m doing personally to move forward.

There is still a lot of cleaning to do for the foundation on which I want to build my family.

I’d like to share those discoveries and my processes as I again morph into a new version of myself.

And so, dear readers – if you are still out there – I hope you will enjoy reading with me regardless of the subject matter. Adoption related or no. I hope that you will still connect with me and share your thoughts. I hope that you will still be a part of my journey and allow me to be a part of yours.

Thank you. I love you.

This hiatus is over for now. I can’t say for certain it will be the only one that occurs from this point forward, but I hope that the next time I find myself cringing at a week passing with nothing written, I will simply pick up my keyboard and start to write again.

Every day we start anew.

Warm smiles and Love,

AliJayne-signature

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