Booking for March Transfer
My flights are booked!
I have been approved as an adoptive parent through the Ministry (adoption from foster care) for 3.5 years, and with one failed match and no other matches, I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be “expecting”.
When I was first approved for adoption, I made announcements, I was giddy with excitement, I was full-throttle about courses, and internal work to become “ready”. Then as the months turned into a year and one year turned into more years, it all seemed more like a hazy dream, rather than something imminent.
For the first year or so, the people to whom I’d made announcements used to constantly check in on me, “Any news?”… until they stopped. No one has asked me about adoption for at least the past year, maybe longer. I guess because it became an embarrassing conversation for me to keep saying “nope, nothing yet…” or come up with other excuses that I felt compelled to make defending the system and/or my situation.
It might have been the way I responded too, the pity evident on their faces or in their tone, I had a hard time not being “short” when responding.
Embryo adoption started off being way too expensive in Canada for me and I gave up hope of that eventuating. Then, with Universal intervention as I took steps forward toward the goal in my heart, things started lining up. Online searches paid off connecting me with new forums, new friendships, and eventually – new information. I discovered the affordable Czech Republic option for Embryo Transfer.
Three weeks after discovering this option and making contact with the clinic, I was booking flights to have the transfer of a fertilised donated embryo.
I was not sure what to feel.
Excited – Sure!
Terrified – Definitely!
For days I had been questioning myself, “are you SURE you want to do this?”
The answer was mostly yes, and sometimes “I think so”. Quickly followed by more questions like, “Is this a good idea?” and, “Is this the right time?”
Right time. Pfft.
When is the right time for anything in life? Especially children.
The only question I should ever ask is, “will I regret not taking this opportunity?”
The answer is: most definitely yes.
After all this time, there is the disbelief that this could possibly be it though.
I’m single, over 40, and I could be a mom before Christmas this year.
The thought is rocking me to my core and brings tears to my eyes.
There are at least three blog posts on this site stating the same hope through adoption, “I could be a mom this year!” and each year I felt more and more sheepish for still believing. But this time I am in control, I’m not waiting for a match, or an agency, or the perfect circumstances, I am just moving forward.
I am excited!
Yet, when I read the email from the clinic telling me to go ahead and book my flights for the end of March the panic I immediately felt was real, my stomach twisted and turned in terror, and it took a while for the excitement to balance that fear in my belly. These emotions raged war for at least a solid 24 hours following the email.
March? Wow. That’s soon. Only weeks away really.
A lady who was also in contact with this clinic had posted days prior on the Facebook group that there was an embryo shortage and the wait-list was a few months. I had completely made peace with this and expected to be told to wait until July/August for the next available time.
I’d even decided, after having all of the successful and positive tests through my doctor, that I would maybe try one sperm donation in March and see if that worked first before going to the Czech Republic in July.
This had been the plan in my mind for a few weeks seeing as there was a “shortage”.
So the email from the clinic was unexpected. And yet March was exactly what I’d hoped for when I first made contact with the clinic in December. My “ideal” timing was March.
Did this mean that things are moving in the exact right way, that the Universe has “got me”, and I should just jump on the ride and trust that everything is working out for me, even if the outcomes are not as expected?
I think it does.
I’m coming to terms – repeatedly, LOL – with the fact that I like to feel in control, and when things happen outside of the plan in my mind it shakes me. But I also know that if I let go of the shaken feeling, and allow the flow to take me – I usually end up in a place that is more magnificent than I had imagined.
So here we are – booking for March!
So many emotions! Joy, excitement, terror, worry, elation, and everything in between.
One of the things I Love and appreciate about myself is the ability to feel those emotions and keep moving forward. I keep doing all the things I need to do, I shoulder the terror and I take another blood test, I turn my back on the nerves and I make contact with the clinic, I feel the fear and I still make the bookings.
I always keep moving toward the goal even when my emotions try to shake me from it.
I trust that I knew what I was doing when I started down this path, I know that at the time I was purely excited and certain that I wanted to do this, so I ignore the fear and keep moving forward.
Of course, sometimes I hold steadfastly to an idea that felt good when I started out, but I get so wrapped up in getting to the goal that I fail to see I have since outgrown it and should let it go… so, there’s always that niggling in the back of my mind too. Is this STILL right for me?
Only time will tell.
And if all goes well… by this time next year I will be a mom!
Have you ever felt this overwhelm at committing to something that felt so huge and so unbelievable to you? How did you cope? Did you listen to your fears, or trust you knew what you were doing when you started and keep walking anyway…?
Warm smiles and Love,