Hiatus

Every-day-we-start-anew

Taking a hiatus.

Another way of saying withdrawing into a slump of hopelessness.

Followed, of course, by the journey back to a place where hope dwells.

I remember years ago, in my early 20’s, I had started seeing my bio-dad again. He was sick (MS), had been all my life, and I found it emotionally challenging to spend time with him. Continue reading Hiatus

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My town or adoption

Entrance - front

These are my choices right now: to stay in my town, or to adopt and start a family.

Yes, burgeoning house and rental prices are forcing me to choose between adoption or the town that I have called home for over 10 years, a town that I love, a town in which I have established a great network of friends, become involved in many community groups, and learned to play drums with the local pipe band.

In the past 18 months, and especially in the past 12 months, house prices have soared well out of my affordable range. Not only purchase prices, but rental prices too. Continue reading My town or adoption

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My First Tandem Skydive!

This past weekend I completed my first ever Tandem Sky Dive!

I’m not going to lie and say it was the most amazing experience of my life – although it was one of them – because it was also completely terrifying!

There were parts that I loved and didn’t love equally!

Still, I’m pretty proud that I put my feet outside of the plane and allowed my body to be propelled from the vessel into the air with nothing but faith Continue reading My First Tandem Skydive!

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The feel of a newborn

new babyLast week my friend and co-worker gave birth to a precious little baby girl 🙂

Little K.E. joined her family on May fourth and became little sister to two year old A.J. Both parents are ecstatic to have two healthy, happy, little girls in their family. And I am overjoyed for them.

While I have only known my friend for a little over a year, we seemed to be kindred spirits and hit it off from that very first meeting. She feels like family, and that makes her family also feel like family.

I was privileged to be a part of this pregnancy pretty much from the day after they decided to start trying for their second child. I was also privy to the news of the pregnancy as soon as they found out and I had to keep the secret right along with them, until it was time to share it.

I got to watch her grow and change and go through the motions (like sickness) and emotions (like tears), and the whole experience has been an incredible honour for me in ways I’m not certain I have the vocabulary to share.

Especially as someone who may never get to experience the gift of creating life within my own body. Continue reading The feel of a newborn

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Magic, Miracles, and other Wonders

During the past few weeks, coincidentally (or not), while I was on vacation I reconnected with that feeling that everything in my life is coming together in perfect harmony.

What a relief!

When I relax, when I let go of how my desired outcome should happen, when I start focusing on what I have that makes me feel happy and joyful and grateful, AND, when I stop focusing on what is missing, when I stop feeling like a victim of circumstances out of my control (on both a small scale, say a traffic light going red when I’m late…or a much larger scale), when I focus on imagining the ways in which life could work out for me and then I back it up with the ways in which life has already worked out for me…

Then “miraculous” things start happening. Continue reading Magic, Miracles, and other Wonders

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Celebration of Life

I went to a Celebration of Life this past weekend.

My friend’s husband went to sleep one night and did not wake up. He was in his 40’s and she is in her 30’s.

Listening to his closest friends and his family talking about the man he was in life and the man he was to them individually was deeply moving.

It made me think about the shortness of life, the fragility, the necessity to seize every moment and make it the best you can make it.

The time we have on this earth is, for the most part, unknown.

Some people choose their exit consciously, sure, but most of us go along in our day-to-day business as though we have unlimited time.

And even when we’re aware that our time is getting shorter – such as reaching a milestone age like: 30, or 40, or 50, or 60, and so on, we still feel that our time is at least more than today, more than tomorrow, more than this week, or this month, or this year.

The result is we live life accordingly, as though Continue reading Celebration of Life

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Happy Birthday

Last week I had a birthday…

Last week H also had a birthday.

Although I had been told not to contact her foster mom any more, I couldn’t let her birthday go without sending something to say I was thinking of her.

I’d been planning on being there for it. We were going to work together, her foster mom and I, to make her party a success.

I felt bad that I wasn’t there, and sad that I wouldn’t get to be.

Her foster mom replied to my email and said that she was glad I’d reached out and that she was still hoping I would change my mind.

I wish that were possible.

If only. Continue reading Happy Birthday

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A moment of self-reflection

I-am-ready-to-open-my

This past weekend I have taken a step back from the position of “expectant mom” and just rested in being who I am right now; reconnecting with me.

One thing that has stood out to me is that I had stepped up my “need to control” a notch after getting ready to be a mom to H & B, mentally, emotionally, and physically (as best as I could) preparing to join with them in family… and that family not working out. Continue reading A moment of self-reflection

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Home Study – first draft

Becoming a parent through adoption is not for the faint of heart.

There are so many times that this process will test your desire to become a parent through this channel. The process will push you and pull you and prod you and challenge you – and if you’re still standing at the end, then maybe you have the gumption it will take to become a parent to children who have been through a lifetime of experiences already.

I’ve often wondered if the entire process is set up for this reason, to weed out the weak-willed, the uncertain, the light-weights, so that only the sturdy, certain, committed remain.

These kids will need the kinds of parents with staying power and perhaps that is the point…

Home Study – the first draft…

Reading through your life history as written by someone else is bizarre. Continue reading Home Study – first draft

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The seeds we sow

Since starting the adoption process about 10 months ago, I’ve been more aware of the stories I tell myself, the words I use over and over again, the beliefs that I hold, and questioning how they affect my life.

Do these stories enhance my life or do they limit me?

I was talking the other day with a friend and we got onto the subject of rice.

He told me how rice lasts forever once you cook it. He said, “You can keep it for weeks after cooking it.”

I replied, “Oh no you can’t! It’s a big germinator. It’s got a very short life. Two days in the fridge, three max.” Continue reading The seeds we sow

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