In a post from about a month ago I briefly outlined the twins that I was drawn to at the Be My Parent – matching event.

They were, at the time, 18 months old (likely closer to 20 months now), a boy and a girl whose names start with M, and have an Aboriginal background. In the last post I mentioned that they were looking for a cultural match so I may not be considered, however, I have re-read the profile many times since then and it states only that a cultural match is preferred, which to me means that it is not essential. So this has increased my hope of being the right match for these two.

Though my social worker has sent several emails to the guardianship workers for M & M, we are still waiting to hear if I will be considered as a potential match for them, or if they have another potential match already.

So now we play… the waiting game.

It’s been just over five weeks since I first read their profile, saw their photos, and the slideshow with photos of the twins playing together. Five weeks since the first email my SW sent on my behalf about these children. That’s a long time to wait for a response!

In those five weeks, I have pretty much memorised the profile sheet I was able to take away with me on the day, and I have imagined over and over being their mom.

The more I’ve thought about them and imagined them, the more I want them to be the match for me.

This part of the process I’ve found can be a little hard on your heart.

You see a profile. Like it. Feel drawn to it. Your social worker puts out feelers. And then the waiting starts.

While waiting, of course, you start to imagine your life with these children. You start to imagine being their parent, imagine what it would be like in your everyday life to have them with you, imagine what they will be like in 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 5 years, 10 years, as they graduate high school, college, and/or get their first job, their first loves and heartbreaks, their wedding days, and their own journey into parenthood.

It’s impossible not to let your mind run off with the possibilities. I imagine these are the same things that a pregnant mom thinks about while her baby is growing inside of her.

And so you become attached to the idea of these children, to the idea of being their parent.

When I’m driving I imagine them in the back seat of the car and I imagine singing with/to them, when I’m shopping I imagine how I would maneuver two toddlers in the store, when I’m cooking I imagine what I would feed them. I’ve thought about our future home, their bedroom and the things I would like to have in there, I’ve looked at cribs and toddler beds, and connected with friends who have toddlers to gain insight into raising them in our community.

M & M have lived in my imagination for five weeks now and I imagine that our life together would be incredibly joyful and fulfilling.

So, the other day when my SW asked me to call her, I immediately felt excited that perhaps she’d had word from M & M’s guardianship worker and she was going to tell me either way if I would be considered.

(Note: I was feeling hopeful that she would have positive news, rather than a, “Sorry, you’re not the one,” news.)

However, she did not have any news about M & M and instead had information about other kids, completely different kids, for me to consider.

While I want to remain open to all possibilities in this adoption journey, I have to admit that I was immediately disappointed and had trouble focusing on the information she was giving me.

Even though the other kids sounded like really great kids, they weren’t M & M – in fact they were very different in every way, from age, to needs, to the type of placement.

This is not the fault of my SW, the responsibility to be clear about what I’m wanting in an adoption match and about how I’m feeling about any given profile is mine.

I haven’t been clear, because I haven’t felt clear, until now.

I’m not sure how others have found the matching part of the process, but I personally find it difficult to switch between profiles and have my heart be completely open to another option when it’s quite drawn to one particular profile already.

To feel drawn to a family image that I’ve built in my mind around the profile of two children, and then to be asked to consider another whole different type of family when I don’t even know if the first family is off the table – is difficult.

I feel that I need full closure of one option, if I’m truly considering it, before I can be open to consider another.

My feeling is that this is a very good trait for me to have as a future parent. If I was able to switch between profiles unable to connect with any one of them and instead considered all of the options without a preference, then I might not be as open to really connecting with the actual children when they arrive.

If I knew for certain that I would not be considered for M & M, or that they already had a family placement in mind, then I could let go of the family I’ve imagined and allow myself to be open to a different family.

I have a meeting with my SW tomorrow and we are going to look at some other profiles from the internal database.

Before we start, I will share with her how I’m feeling and that I need this door for M & M to be fully closed before I can truly consider opening another.

In the same breath, I want to apologise to her for not communicating this sooner. I have not been clear in my direction with my SW, because I have been trying to keep all the avenues open to allow the right match to find me.

I see now that being clear does not close the doors, it just allows one full cycle to complete before starting another. It feels good to feel this new sense of clarity at this point in time. And I’m sure she will appreciate my new found clarity too.

How did you find the matching process? Were you ever in the position of being drawn to one profile and then presented with another? How did you manage your heart?

Would love to hear from you…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂