March 30, 2017 – Transfer Day – Olomouc, Czech Republic
How do I feel?
I wish I could say I was excited. I wish I was excited.
I don’t feel anything much at all really. It’s just another day. I woke at 5:30am to insert the Progesterone, dozed for another 45 minutes or so, then did my early morning Reiki session, followed by my morning dose of Estrogen, showered, went to breakfast, and now I’m here waiting for the Acupuncturist to arrive so she can do her thing.
Like a… well, I actually don’t know what… I’ve just adapted to the new normal. Drugs on a schedule, sure that’s just part of my day now, acupuncture, sure, that’s something we are doing today. Transfer, another stop on my itinerary.
The Symphony – that was exciting for me. I was looking forward to that since the day I looked into it, and even more so once I bought my tickets. Very exciting. And it was amazing! So breathtaking it brought me to tears.
This, the transfer, is just another part of my vacation, another stop, another destination…it doesn’t feel like something special or exciting.
Symphony exciting, baby making… meh.
Is that weird? Wrong? Does it mean I don’t care if I have a child?
A child does feel like something I want, and have wanted for some time… but it is not something I can get excited about because I’m not sure I believe it will work out.
I did believe in Adoption. It didn’t work out. Once bitten perhaps.
So this just feels like something I’m doing, the end result does not really feel like a reality or like something tangible that I can believe in enough to be excited.
Symphony, I had the tickets in hand. Exciting.
Baby transfer, only a 50/50 chance of it working. So it’s not really “in hand”, just another destination on my trip.
What am I looking forward to today?
Relaxing afterward! Having this part done with so I can come back to the hotel and chill for the day reading a book, or copying photos and updating Facebook, maybe doing some writing or editing and post to my blog.
Those things are exciting to me. I believe they can happen for me.
I am looking forward to exploring Olomouc tomorrow and finding the astronomical clock… exciting.
Although I say “exciting” and I’m not all that fussed about that either. I see it or I don’t.
I’m having trouble connecting.
Why is that?
Other people are more excited about this process for me than I am.
And that makes me feel like a fraud.
That might be why I don’t like to tell people about my life, because they have opinions that are not in alignment with mine and that makes me question whether I’m having appropriate responses.
Which of course, all of my responses are appropriate. They are after all MY responses!
So I don’t get excited about things until they are in hand, so what if I’m more even keeled most of the time, that’s a good thing right? And so what if every day is a “normal” day? If I make whatever is new in my life my normal. That’s also a good thing isn’t it?
Of course it is.
I do believe that anything I choose is appropriate. No one else’s opinion matters.
What I know to be true is that whatever life presents to me I will take in my stride and make it the best life for me that I can.
So, to my future child….
Good luck today, I’m quietly rooting for you…and if I’m the mom for you then I look forward to meeting you in 8.5 months or so.
I’ll always be there for you, but I may not always be the best parent, so forgive me as I learn what you need and attempt to give it to you or help you achieve it yourself.
I might also be selfish sometimes, I have needs too, but I will always love through it. I hope we will love each other through anything that we face.
Canada is a wonderful place to live, and you will have dual citizenship to Australia as well, which will provide an opportunity for travel for you. And we will come back to visit your origin story of the Czech Republic.
You will be blessed in this life, and I will support you to be, do, or have anything that your heart desires – or at least I will teach you about law of attraction so you can continue to be the magnificent creator that you are already.
Sometimes I forget that I too am a magnificent creator, I hope you will remind and guide me too.
I know that you will have much to teach me and I am a ready student. You are closer to our source than I after so many years of living, and I’m eager to revel in the beauty of your knowledge and connection.
We will have a good life together, and despite what I said above, there will be excitement too. Perhaps having you ‘in hand’ will be the key that opens the door to my bubbling over with joy in every day. I hope so, but that’s a lot of pressure for a little one, so do not fret, we will for sure be happy whether I bubble or I’m even-keeled. Even is good too. Even will give you the opportunity to soar.
And we will go to symphonies! Perhaps we will create them. 😊
So my little Sagittarius, you will be magnificent, bold, brave, and altogether amazing. I already believe in you and the great things you will do, the people you will help, the inspiration you will bring to others, the joy you will spread, and the love you will give freely and honestly.
Honesty is important to you and integrity too. I know, because I am a Sagittarius too. We two will be a perfect combination, especially for our first time as parent and child.
I love you already, and I look forward to getting to know you.
Warm smiles and Love,