This past weekend I have taken a step back from the position of “expectant mom” and just rested in being who I am right now; reconnecting with me.
One thing that has stood out to me is that I had stepped up my “need to control” a notch after getting ready to be a mom to H & B, mentally, emotionally, and physically (as best as I could) preparing to join with them in family… and that family not working out.
My desire to make a connection at the matching event last week was filled with a need to prove that I am still able to be matched. So that I knew I had not “missed the boat”.
There was a sense of unfairness that I may have to ‘give up’ on my idealistic vision of a family when every other adoptive family around me is seemingly being matched with exactly their ideal (some even before their home studies are signed off).
I have been wrestling with the frustrating notion that a single parent is always going to be at the bottom of the pile when it comes to matching within my current set of “ideal” criteria. This notion was stuck in my mind, repeating like an old record needle finding a scratch. I fixated on it.
That feeling of lack of control, or lack of faith, creeps up on me… little piece by little piece, usually made up of the comparison of my life with someone else’s, or the focus on what I feel I’m going without, or the perceived unfairness of things around me.
And it’s not a big difference in the way I live my life, it’s mostly with the words I speak or the thoughts I think. Are they more hopeful or more hopeless?
Little thought, by little thought, it builds until I feel so disconnected from myself that I “wake up” with a start, and take a step back – out of the casing of doubt that has assembled around me.
And when doubt shrouds me; my instinct is to fight for more control.
When the time comes to be a parent, it will be good to remember how my kids might respond to the feeling of lack of control in their own lives. How they too will reach for any semblance of control that they can grab, in whatever form that feeling is found for them in that moment – aggression, anger, withdrawal, stubbornness, micro-managing, even being outwardly compliant.
No one wants to feel thwarted in their desires, in their dreams, in their hopes.
So, I took a step back and let go of the need to control the outcome, the need to prove that I am worthy of a match, and the need to show that I am ready for another.
Most importantly, I released the need to have this next match happen quickly.
I have once again found some peace in the wait.
I do very much want to be a mom, but it’s not all I want from life.
I do very much want to have a family and create a home, but I can still create that home for myself.
I am ready to open my heart to include children in my life, but without them I am still growing in gratitude for the life and love that I have now.
My good friends sometimes remind me to let go and remember that everything is flowing in perfect harmony. And I always listen to them, I even agree with the theory, but sometimes I don’t “hear” the advice.
As with most advice, the recipient has to be in a place of openness to the answer/solution, and that openness is often unavailable in the “thick” of the problem.
I felt I was open and connected, yet it is only now that I’m realising I was wanting to be open… and in my wanting I was actually disconnected.
For the time being, I have reconnected with a faith in the Universe, by releasing the need to control how the outcome looks.
Self-awareness, growth, and reaching new understanding, are very important to me. It is one of the things that attracted me to the profile of the teenage girl from the event. Her letter demonstrated a good handle on who she is right now and what she wants in her immediate future.
If the right match for where I am today is a teenage girl, then I am ready to be open to it. I have definitely found myself “leaning in” toward the idea of parenting this particular girl and the type of family that I could imagine we would become. I have found myself feeling very positive about this future and keen to learn more about her.
Does that mean I have changed my entire outlook and now want to be matched with other teenage children? No, it doesn’t. My parameters are still a sibling group of two children under nine, however, that doesn’t mean there are not exceptions.
And she was pretty exceptional. From the amount I learned at the event, I would be honoured to be her mom.
Having acknowledged that, I am releasing it to the wind and will see what returns.
Does it mean I have “given up” on my “ideal” vision of a family? No, it doesn’t. It means that I have relinquished the need to control the “ideal” and I have opened myself up to allowing a personally tailored ideal family to find me.
I had been internally wrestling with the idea of “giving up” on the ideal family that I had pictured in my head. I had been concerned that I would resent a family outside of that ideal, and that I would resent those who have my “ideal” family life.
I was comparing myself to others and feeling that life was easier for them because they are a couple, because they have their lives together, because they have a house, or two incomes, or the ability to comfortably take leave, and because on paper they appear more appealing than a single mom.
My conversations, my thoughts, my actions, were focussed on these comparisons.
All of that self-talk is fear based, and is from the ‘outside-in’ viewpoint, rather than the ‘inside-out’ viewpoint.
Inside-out: I have a lot to offer children as a mom. What I offer is different – yes – to what a two parent family can offer, but it is equally as loving, special, secure, and positive. I know in my heart I will be a great mom when the time arrives. I know I won’t have all of the answers all of the time and I will make mistakes, but I will always be there, always be growing and learning, always be willing to understand, and will never give up on them or on us as a family.
For now, I am allowing myself the room to breathe, accept where I am now, and find myself back in a place of eager anticipation for all that is unfolding.
My choices are always to live each day seeking and finding the most joy, hope, faith, and harmony that I can, or I seeking and finding the evidence of a life where I am unworthy and controlled.
I choose joy, hope, faith, and harmony.
Warm smiles, Love and light,