Recently there was an article circulating the adoption forums about single parents being a second choice vs. couples in adoption.

The article starts, “There’s little doubt about it, the chances of adopting if you are single are slimmer than for couples. This not only affects single people, it also means that children miss out on a loving, committed parent.”

It goes on to say that this is not solely because of a bias against single parents vs. couples. The hesitation to choose a single parent family as a first option is due to a number of factors, most prominently whether that person has a support network to deal with the children whose needs are generally higher through adoption, as well as the financial pitfalls that can face a single parent (vs. dual income).

On one single adoptive parent forum there was quite the discussion from those of us waiting parents who feel the sting in real time of not being a first choice in adoption.

We shared instances where we had felt that we were not chosen for a child, or children, because of our single status alone – some of those instant “she’s not right” responses that our SW receives to queries.

Surprisingly, many of us also asked “why would anyone choose a single parent?”

We can’t help but wonder: who would choose a single parent over a two-parent, dual-income, and potentially one stay-at-home parent family? The choice seems a no-brainer.

I’ve often wondered if it is selfish of me to even attempt to adopt a child, or children (as I’m hoping for a sibling group), as a single mom.

And the thing is, I know me, I know me better than anyone, and I know that I will do my best to be a great mom (not flawless, of course, but I’m comfortable being me and that is a good place to start!). I’m at an age where I’m ready to parent, I’m ready to be devoted to my children, I’m comfortable being single, I’m in a stable reasonably well-paying job with benefits, and I have the most supportive family of friends, and I most always see the bright side of life (a good tool I think to take into parenting!).

And still I wonder.

What was clearly felt by single parents was that they are being overlooked for the “easy to place” kids, infants, toddlers, or older children with zero to very little special needs.

Many single parents mentioned they felt they were asked to consider children who were harder to place, the kids with more extreme emotional or physical needs.

And while some single parents are willing and capable of opening their hearts and homes to children who need extra support, it was noted that these children are the ones who often need a two-parent family, preferably with one stay at home full-time parent.

One parent stated, “It seems backwards to me that two parent homes are preferred as supposedly more capable, and yet they are immediately matched with the more commonly desired children: babies under two years old with no special needs. A single parent is not matched with those children, and yet is asked to take on a child with very challenging needs.”

Another forum member commented, “it seems as though they are testing me, challenging me to say no to a child that I know is beyond my ability to parent, so that they can then say ‘well, we tried,’ and stick my file back in the drawer.”

Several single parents mentioned that their initial request was for a sibling group of two children. Like myself. Eventually, after years of not being matched, they agreed to consider a single child.

After adopting the first child, their experience has been that the stigma of being a single parent dissipates slightly, and their future matching options open up to a similar playing field as the couples.

In candid talks with professionals in the adoption communities I have been told that the likelihood of being matched with two children under 7 (my current ideal) is very, very slim. And that unless I am willing to consider a single older child (older than 9), then I may be waiting a long time.

When I consider discussions like this one I do occasionally feel the pressure to broaden my parameters, to consider children outside of the scope of where I feel comfortable parenting at this point in my life, and to “skip” the ideal family that I imagine for us.

More than the pressure to open my parameters though is the feeling that I cannot truly define what it is that I personally want in a family at this point in my life, because I’d be closing all the doors that might currently be available to me, in favour of doors that will never be open to me.

Sometimes this makes me feel angry and rebellious, and other times it makes me feel that I am too caught up in the “politics” of it all and I need to take a beat to breathe.

When I walk into a wall, it means I have been surging ahead with my eyes closed for too long, and it is time to try to see everything in a new light. It might even be time to find a new way to see this path that will eventually lead me to the family I so desire.

This process is such a roller-coaster of emotion. Very quickly we move from hope to disappointment, to new hope, to new disappointment, to renewed hope, and so on and so forth. It seems to be never ending. Some might say this is preparation for parenting?! Sometimes though with this constant roll of highs and lows it is easy to fall out of that “Zen” place of faith that everything will work out.

I remember when I started the process, I told myself and my family of friends that I was not going to accept a proposal for a child that didn’t FEEL like the right child for me.

This is something that I want to ensure I connect with each and every time I consider a prospective match, or any time I’m feeling dejected by the lack of prospective matches. I want my family, and the future children within it, to feel right, to feel like the right match for me – for us.

There are moments where I feel the frustration of watching all of the couples in my town being instantly (it seems) matched with their ideal family, and it’s OK to feel those feelings. But I can’t wallow there. It is important for me to continuously reconnect with the desire to feel in a good place about adoption, not bitter about the lack or fearful about the time it may take.

I believe that the way we predominantly feel determines the experiences we live. So it’s important that I don’t dwell in the feeling that what I hope for is impossible – otherwise impossible it will stay.

Recently, another family talked about how that they had been waiting so long for a match that they were just about ready to give up on this process and accept that they would never have children. A few months later, they have been matched with the perfect child for them, and their son has come home. They talked about how it feels as though this child was exactly who they have been waiting for all of this time. It just feels “right” and all of the waiting time makes sense.

Those stories help me.

The message is clear. Don’t give up hope! (Or in the words of Captain Jason Nesmith from another of my favourite movies, “Never give up, never surrender!”)

More than anything else, I want the family that is created through adoption to FEEL right, to feel like I can’t imagine a life without my children, and to for all of this “waiting” time to make sense with a heartfelt “ahhh…!”

When I am feeling jaded, which happens with this process, I continue to be kind to myself, allow myself to feel what I feel and then as soon as I can I remind myself that when it’s right, it will come together like magic.

I believe this. I believe with my heart and soul that when we are ready to meet, no stigmas about a single parent, no biases held by any of the parties involved, no choices I make or don’t make on paper, no parameters, nothing at all will keep us apart. I will be the perfect candidate, the only option. A symphony of harmonious love will orchestrate our joining together.

It sucks that there are stigmas out there about single parents being less appealing than a two-parent family, absolutely it does. But it also means that when a great match occurs it’s all the more special.

How about you, are you single and either in the waiting part of the adoption process or have adopted? Did you feel that your home was less appealing? How did/do you keep yourself positive and remain hopeful?

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂