Webinar – July 28, 2015

I want to send a big thank you shout out to Dawn Davenport and the team at Creating a Family, as well as Dr. Dan Siegel (http://www.drdansiegel.com/books_and_more/) for giving their time and energy to create this webinar/workshop that I was fortunate to attend.

Thank you all for making this webinar not only happen, but also making it available free of charge!!

Anything attachment related is such valuable information, and to have been given the opportunity to attend for free was a wonderful gift.

While I wouldn’t say it was new information for anyone who has read about attachment, it is valuable information to revisit, reconnect with, and to continue to dig out for re-examination.

For pre-adoptive parents and post-adoptive parents, knowing about attachment styles is essential.

And really for anyone who is in any kind of relationship with another person, understanding attachment styles can only be beneficial to those relationships.

Regardless of whether we personally are among the “securely attached” humans, we interact with so many people and knowing and understanding the different types of attachment can help in all of our interactions with others.

Learning how we tick and learning new ways, new strategies, or new understandings to our inner working is a beautiful part of life in general. It may even be my favourite part!

Note: If anyone reading is considering adoption, in the process of approval for adoption, or has adopted, I highly recommend connecting with the creatingafamily.org website and utilising the extensive resources available on the site.

Key points (reminders) for me during the webinar:

• Parenting from the Inside Out. Read this book! That was a big message during the event; after all we were talking with the author! I have read the book and it was an amazing read and will be a well-used reference when my children are placed with me.
• There is a section in there for parents to be able to profile themselves. It is important to know your own style of attachment so you can
  • seek a way to release your past self (if need be) and move into a new way of being now,
  • know your triggers, and
  • understand how attachment patterns are formed so you can help your little ones.
• Change is possible. You are not stuck!!
  Taking the time to face, accept, and change the things about your story that no longer serve you, will allow you to change your current attachment style now and into your future.
• You get to choose a new way of being, and you do get to change.
  Research has proven that we are constantly changing ever-evolving beings with the ability to rewire our brains into new patterns of thinking, of expressing, of connecting with others (and ourselves), and of living.
• It is never too late to create a healthy secure attachment with your child. Never.
• Parents do not attach to children. Children attach to parents, parents “bond” with children.
  This was an important distinction made after a question was raised by a participant. Attachment is something that children do with parents, because attachment is about feeling safe, secure, soothed, and seen.
  Adults have attachment styles that were developed in childhood that they can carry into adult relationships, yes. However, attachment between adult and child is always child attaching to the adult, and the adult bonding with the child.
• Attachment between parent and child is created through the quality of the relationship. This means that regardless of all past experiences healthy secure attachment is possible. This was the message reiterated through the hour and I feel it’s a good one to mention again here.

Change is possible was the overall message that I took away from the webinar. And I never tire of hearing these words, especially when talking about adoption.

The webinar for me.

I loved the information refresher, and loved hearing direct from the man who co-wrote the book and many other books on this and related subjects (always exciting for me to hear direct from an author!), and appreciated that the webinar was created and provided free of charge to me. And, while there was all of that gratitude going on…I found myself a little disconnected from the whole proceedings.

Why? Because I am feeling as though adoption is so distant from where I am right now.

It feels like it may never happen for me.

OK maybe “never” is too strong a word, but it definitely feels as though adoption is something in my distant future. It doesn’t feel close, it doesn’t feel imminent, and it doesn’t feel all that hopeful even.

So sitting through an hour of information, which was revisiting information I’d read or heard a year or more ago, specific to impending adoption seemed like a strange way to spend my time. And felt like a reminder that I’ve not been chosen, nor am I on anyone’s radar to be chosen (that I know of).

July 30th was the one year anniversary of my approval as an adoptive parent.

Just over one year ago my home study was signed by the Ministry and myself, and we entered into an agreement that I was deemed an appropriate home for two or more children between the ages of 0-18.

I remember this time last year, that approval felt HUGE, and so exhilarating! To have the “process” part of it behind me, and to be ready to move forward into becoming an adoptive parent made me feel like any day now I could be a mom, and it was thrilling.

And immediately, off the bat, I was presented with profiles to consider. Within a month we were moving forward with a sibling group of three girls, which then became two girls, and then became none – it fell through… and nothing has really matched up since.

Since that time, I’ve attended three matching events, which equated to not even a nibble as far as a potential match goes, and frankly – adoption doesn’t seem “real” anymore.

A few months ago I felt distressed, hurried, anxious, angry even at this “stalled” feeling.

I’m no longer feeling any of those things – I feel ok about it actually. My life is enjoyable at the moment, I’m having fun, I’m feeling hope in other areas of my life, I’m enjoying the time alone and the time with friends, I’m enjoying my new fur-baby Greyson (though he’s still so messy!), I’m reading and learning and growing spiritually, and I’m feeling good.

The urgency has changed.

The need for an outcome has changed.

I’m taking my cues from the experiences I’m having, which I am aware are a direct result of the way I’ve been feeling:

• No vacancies for rentals in my town = now is not the time, slow down and enjoy life unfolding.
• Housing prices skyrocket on sale properties in my town = now is not the time, slow down and enjoy life unfolding.
• Adoption matches not forthcoming = now is not the time, slow down and enjoy life unfolding.

You see?

So I am. I am slowing down, letting go of the urgency, of the need for an outcome, of the stress of wondering how I will make it all come together if I did get a match. I am enjoying the life that is happening around me in this moment.

I am saving money, I am learning new things, I am soaking in new information, I am meditating, I am writing, I am expanding myself to become more of who I want to be, I am finding peace in the now – and that peace is bringing hope for the future.

My gut is telling me that adoption is on the path ahead of me, I don’t need to run, I don’t need to get angry or frustrated that it’s not here now – maybe there is something else on that path which will make me a better mom, or maybe the timing is just to ensure that the right match happens for us all. Maybe there is some life I need to live before I become a full-time mom (like skydiving perhaps!).

I am letting go of the need to control the timing and expediency of the outcome.

Sitting in that webinar didn’t feel completely wrong – the information was great, and is information I will need as a parent, plus I am always open to learning more about parenting and as a result more about myself – but it felt like a strange way to spend my time, when adoption seems so far away. Y’know?

What about you…

Did you continue learning about adoption, and take adoption related courses, even if your wait time was longer than expected?

Or did you reach a point where adoption seemed like a faraway dream, and the courses no longer appealed?

I’d love to hear from you.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂