The more thought I’ve given to this option of Embryo Adoption, the more I’m feeling as though this is the way to go for me at this point in my life.

I was willing to try Artificial Insemination with the cup and syringe, but honestly it made my heart cringe at the thought of meeting some random guy, taking his jizz and inserting it into my body… even if it was the healthiest of sperm.

Just too much “EW” factor for me.

The Embryo Adoption ball is rolling, even if only a little; I have forms, and contact with clinics, I’m booking tentative dates, and planning for March…!

And…I’m starting to feel a bit panicked!

Am I really going to do this?

Should I be more prepared?

What about jobs, and moving, and being in a new place where I don’t know anyone? This was my plan for 2017 – find a job and move to Nova Scotia, ideally in April/May.

Can I still do that? Will I be able to get a new job if i’m pregnant? Do I need to disclose that before the traditional 12 weeks are up?

Should I stay here in my current town where I can only afford this one bedroom apartment that feels as though it is already closing in on me?

Should I stay at my current job, which pays well but sucks the living life out of me, so I can sock away money for the next 12 months until the birth?

Are these the “right things to do” and can I live with those choices?

What about after maternity leave? Do I stay here where the cost of living is exorbitant, or move to somewhere more affordable at that time?

Or should I just not panic about those details and keep moving forward day by day with the clinic and do the transfer (potentially in March, mere weeks away) and see what happens?

That last statement felt like a deep, deep, yoga breath. There is never a “right” time, and circumstances may never be “perfect” to start a family, but when your heart is saying yes…keep walking forward, then that is the answer.

I am looking forward to the end result.

The baby. The incredible miracle and gift of life.

My heart feels strongly about wanting to have a baby, and even saying that brings a smile to my face. I feel that I am ready to be an amazing mom to a child from birth, or at least ready to try every day to be one. SO ready. And my time is running out. Now is all I have.

The birth itself though… argh. Not sure I am ready for that, or even remotely wanting to go through it! (Thank goodness there is time to adjust to this idea!)

When I talked with a friend she was like “pfft. Just schedule a c-section and you’ll be fine.” As this is what her daughter-in-law did for the last two births.

This appears to be common nowadays (yes, I said nowadays!). I have been invited to attend a baby shower soon, that was a scheduled c-section too. They seem to have become the norm.

As terrifying as the idea of giving birth is for me, I’m not comfortable with scheduling a “C”.

Will I have no choice but to do it that way?

Again, those are also questions that do not need answers now. There is time to think about when I’m pregnant! Take a breath Ali!

The question that stops my heart for a moment when I think about it is “am I really going to do this?”

Will this eventuate? I thought I was moving toward adoption before too.

I filled in the forms, jumped through the hoops, did the courses, had the therapy, and got approved, then did more courses, went to matching events, looked at matches, had a match and watched it fall away, then no more matches, and housing prices spiked so adoption matching can no longer happen for me in my current situation.

The adoption door is officially closed to me until I find a new job in an affordable town and move into a house that will accommodate children, and then wait the 6 months to apply and start the process again, and potentially years more for a match.

Did I do that? Did I close that door because I wanted things to be different?

I know that when I was considering an 8 year old girl a few years ago, I wished with all my heart that she was a toddler (this was after the match with H and B fell through)… I wanted to have the best chance of bonding with the child as early as possible and of being the best influence I could be. I also did not want FAS to be a part of the match, at least not for my first child, and that appeared to be impossible from the matches I was continuously presented.

So perhaps I did sabotage the adoption by wishing things were different.

I did want a healthy child for my first child, with no drug or alcohol exposure and no abuse or trauma. And I was never going to get that through adoption.

And yet I still want to adopt, and foster too (fostering in Nova Scotia really appeals to me, not sure why…might have been the billboard signs everywhere!), but I also want to have at least one healthy attached child too who I hope will forgive me as I learn to be a parent and sometimes mess it up royally.

Is that selfish of me?

So many of the adoption forums are filled with people struggling, people with more support than I have, people with more experience than I have, struggling daily to connect with their little’s. And I was willing and eager even to walk that path, but a part of me wished it was different, at least for my first.

I know I would be amazing with kids from hard places, I know I would identify with some of the stuff they’ve been through, and I know I’d be a fiercely devoted, loving, understanding, and protective mom to them.

The idea of having a healthy baby appeals to me greatly right now too. A child that I get to Love and nurture from the get-go.

Interestingly, once I have a baby, I am more likely to be matched through adoption to other babies or toddlers…so I might be able to expand our family with greater ease once I’ve become a mom my own way. This is another good reason to keep walking forward.

Adoption and foster care are both avenues I want to go down at some point in the future, but I am done waiting. I know my housing situation is a barrier to adoption (an outright halt to adoption), but the time it will take to find another job, move, and get settled – along with the required waiting time… we could be looking at years before another match is presented to me.

I don’t want to wait years more. I’m ready to be a mom now. And I’ve been ready for years already.

So this option, this opportunity feels good to me, feels hopeful and exciting.

Questioning is a part of who I am, and I like that I think things through deeply and from all angles. Sometimes I also have to jump in with both feet and work it out as I go along. This appears to be one of those times.

Warm smiles and Love,