The Two Week Wait…

Some people find this two week wait excruciating. They start testing at 5 days past (dp) and then stress because they’re not sure if they see a line or don’t see a line, so they post the photos and ask for others to weigh in, and then test again at 6dp, 7dp, 8dp, 9dp…many of them stressing themselves into little balls of hopelessness. A part of me envies their excitement.

I was the opposite. I found the idea of testing terrifying.

At least during the “wait” I was PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) and I did not want to test and “PO”!

While I waited, I could just be pregnant and enjoy the idea of being pregnant.

Living a fantasy of my own making has always been my preferred way to navigate this thing called life!

Sticking my head in the sand when a problem arises is my ‘go to’ mechanism.

See something unpleasant? Look the other way.

A potential argument ahead? Do an about-face.

Someone not living up to my expectations? Change my expectations, walk away (about-face), or find an aspect of the person that I do enjoy (look the other way).

These are my go to’s in my living of life.

So the test date for me came and it went!

After almost a full week of illness, I really only had a few days to “wait”.

The clinic had given me an official first test date of 12 days after the transfer, so not even a full two weeks.

12dp6dt was a Tuesday and I woke without even considering peeing in a cup and testing.

When I mentioned this to the online forum, some agreed with me – they also like the idea of being PUPO and are not eager to test, but most disagreed vehemently.

Some suggested that by not testing I ran the risk of missing a potential problem.

Ahh…fear….the great motivator.

My doctor had given me a requisition for four blood tests to be taken from the official test date with three days between each test.

To align with the long weekend, I decided to wait one more day so that I could still test with three days between each; otherwise it would have been four days between the 2nd and 3rd test. I didn’t know the importance of the three days between, so I was determined to stick to it.

So 13dp6dt, I went in for the first blood test. It was a Wednesday and meant I could take the next one on the Saturday, then the Tuesday, and Friday.

The words of the ladies on the forum about potential risks being missed had been playing on my mind for 24 hours now, and as I drove home from the first blood test, I decided I would brave the pee-stick.

To prepare myself for the potential worst, I told myself what the clinic had told me. “DO NOT PANIC if the pee test is negative, wait for the blood test results.”

Then I followed with my usual pep-talk, “whatever happens I will be okay and my life will still be beautiful and fulfilling and there will be other options for a family.”

I got home and pulled out the stemless wine glass I had been using as my pee catcher cup when I was checking for ovulation months ago and headed to the bathroom.

The tests I had on hand came in a box of 100 ovulation strips and 20 HCG strips.

Three being my lucky number, I took out three HCG strips, peed in the cup, and with butterflies in my tummy I dipped the first stick. Then laid it down for it to do its thing and dipped the other two, one at a time.

Though my business was done, I stayed on the toilet, my logic was that while I was sitting on the toilet I was safe from a negative result.

Huh?

Yeah…I don’t know why, it’s just what I felt at the time. Irrational logic seems to go hand in hand with fear!

The first strip had only one stripe so far, the one that always appears. I looked away. I did not want to acknowledge how devastated I would be if the tests were negative.

I wasn’t sure if I could face it, the thought crossed my mind that I should swoop them in the bin right now and not look at all. Just wait for the blood test results next week.

Another pep-talk ensued, much like the one on the drive home. “I will be okay…”

I turned back and braved a look at the developing test strips.

The first test had….TWO STRIPES!

I laughed out loud out of sheer relief.

The second test was now developing the second stripe, as was the third test.

Three positive pregnancy tests.

 (13dp6dt)

My heart pounded in my chest and my breathing accelerated.

THREE POSITIVE PREGNANCY TESTS!

I felt like I’d just won three games of solitaire in a row (the only game I play on my phone!). In other words, it didn’t feel “real” as in I’m having a baby real, more like “wow, I got two lines three times in a row… I win!” real.

Then I finished my business and got off the toilet!

With shaking hands I took a photo of each test, then one of all three together, then several more just to be sure.

It hit me, three positive tests meant…

I’M PREGNANT! Holy SHIT! I’M PREGNANT!!!!

I emailed my three closest friends with the results. They too were blown away and overjoyed for me. None of us could really believe this was happening!

The following morning I took another test, and got another positive.

 (14dp6dt)

Then right after work I bought a “fancy” test, the one that says “pregnant” with the number of weeks past conception.

This one I saved to do Friday morning at 15dp6dt, five weeks pregnant (going from the first day of my last period), and it was also Good Friday, a day off for me.

The fancy tests (it was a box of two) also came back positive.

 (15dp6dt)

The one that said Pregnant put me at 2-3 weeks past conception, which seemed right on track with the 15 days past the transfer.

Feeling overwhelmed with shock, I sent another email to my closest friends:

Subject: Old news now but…
I did the fancy test this morning – at 4:30am (thank you Greyson! LOL!)…
And they both said PREGNANT!
I know it’s crazy to say that I’m blown away by the results after all the plans I made, after flying across the world specifically for this purpose, and after actually being present for the transfer of an embryo I saw on the screen….
But I really was disconnected from the outcome. Almost as though I didn’t really “understand” what would follow.
I feel blown away. I’m pregnant!
Three distinct parts of me are processing this information.

• There is the part that is blown away like “what the heck is happening here?” and “How did this happen?” The surprised slightly stupid one! LOL.
• Then there is the present part of me that is taking note of, and enjoying every single part of, these changes. The reveler!
• Then there is the part of me that is looking to the future and imagining our joyful life together as mom and baby/child/teen/adult… The… Mom… perhaps.

There is still two blood tests to go, and results at the doctor next Wednesday but seeing the “fancy” tests tell me in plain words even that I’m pregnant has blown me away (again) this morning!
Note: the 2-3 indicator on the digital test is weeks since conception. I thought it was weeks pregnant and panicked this morning that it was wrong. But it’s been 15 days today since the transfer so the digital test is spot on.
Today I am officially 5 weeks pregnant!
That’s 7 more weeks of hormone meds…!
Ali.xx

Testing over the next week and a half became an obsession.

Every morning when I woke up I tested again. Just in case.

By the time the next doctor’s appointment rolled around exactly 7 days after my first pee-test, I’d done 15 pee tests in total! All of them positive.

(20dp6dt – the day of my Dr’s appointment to get the blood test results)

Still it was a struggle to drum into my mind that this was actually happening.

One flight half way around the world, for a 5 minute procedure, and I was pregnant.

Wowza!

That explained the nausea that had not quite left me, and the extreme tiredness I was still feeling… Not Jet-lag after all… PREGNANT!

Part of me still needed to see the results of the bloods and hear it from my Dr’s lips before I’d accept completely.

But for this moment… I’m was pregnant!

Warm smiles and Love,