As my son lies sleeping in my lap (on the breastfeeding pillow) and I awkwardly try typing over him on a keyboard propped against the bassinet that I’ve pulled close, I think once again about how much I miss sharing this journey on my blog with you all.

The pregnancy was tough, in many physical ways that I will share at another time and it was tough in a mentally draining sense. I found all new levels of tired.

Some days at work I napped sitting up with my head in my hands while no one was around (during the lunch hour). When I came home for lunch, sometimes I napped sitting up on the couch after setting an alarm in case of nap! When I arrived home from work I would often eat something (to stave off the nausea) and then nap until bed time, which was 7:30pm most nights.

Weekends I spent more time sleeping on the couch than doing anything else.

The miracle of creating and nurturing life within our bodies is truly incredible and, as my prenatal yoga instructor repeatedly reminded us, it is also the equivalent of climbing a mountain every day. Our bodies are expending so much energy that we just need to be kind to ourselves and take our cues from how we feel in each new day.

And so I did.

The result was this amazing little human being that emerged forth on November 20 and changed my world forever.

Flynn arrived nearly 4 weeks early, deciding his own timeline and choosing his own birthdate.

My OBGYN had picked a c-section date of December 8, which would have been one week exactly before his official due date of December 15, and Flynn decided he wanted a different date (and birth sign) altogether.

We spent the first three and a half weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at a city hospital about an hour and a half from my town. Those were tough weeks, emotionally, physically for us both but especially for Flynn, and…in an unexpected twist… financially – as the hospital does not allow the parent to stay in the hospital with the child (whaaat?).

But we survived and in hindsight see that all the trials were perfect for us, just as this child is the perfect fit for me. Our story is ours and it was the perfect beginning for us to bond and fall in love.

When we finally came home I had friends staying with me for a few weeks to support us in being alone together. And thank goodness for them. I do not know how I would have coped straight from the hospital alone with my boy. I was scared to do the wrong thing, and more scared because he’d just come out of intensive care, the monitors had literally come off the day before coming home.

Was he safe? I mean, can you just take off monitors one day and be completely okay the next?

I didn’t know and was terrified he would stop breathing or something during the night and I wouldn’t be able to get him to hospital in time. I too was still recovering from a c-section, where “rest” had not yet happened due to the NICU stay for my son and hotel stays for me, travelling back and forth in taxis and having to walk longer distances than I recommended from early days meant I was not healing as fast as expected.

When we were alone for the first time, right before new year, those were some tough adjustment days and weeks for me…and truly rewarding.

I caught myself “doing it”… “being” a mom.

Without the NICU, the nurses, doctors, the hospital, and the friends supporting me at home…well, just like that… “overnight” I’d become a mom.

And, tiredness aside, I was doing pretty great. I loved this child so much and I loved being with him more. I marveled at his every breath.

As the weeks turned into months, we have grown together and we have fallen in love. He is such a joy to be with, I’ve never enjoyed a “job” more than being his stay at home mom.

However, the opportunity to sit and write has been limited, and most often nonexistent.

He likes my attention (and isn’t that wonderful!!!) and knows immediately when I start working on the computer…he lets me know he does not approve in his only mode of verbal communication right now!

I am trying to go back and write those months lost – mostly so I have them – but also to share the incredible highs and lows, the entire journey, with you.

In the meantime, so much happens every day! And so present and past may be intertwined and alternating. Sorry. I had hoped to keep up to date as things occurred…

In the end the most important thing I’m learning and have learnt is kindness to myself. I can only do what I can do and I have two very important souls to look after and consider now.

Yes, I have become important to me – moreso than ever before – because I am responsible for this precious life now, and that means I have to look after us both.

It’s humbling and sometimes daunting, and I have never been happier or more content than when I am home with my son, snuggling him close as he sleeps, or stroking his head as he feeds, or singing softly into his ear as he struggles with something happening in his everchanging alien world.

I love being a mom, and I especially love and am honoured to be his mom.

I wish to be at home with him and soak in these moments for as long as possible.  For already time is going so fast. So, so fast.

Flynn then:

Flynn now:

My posts may not be regular for a while longer, and you can know that the reason is that I chose one more snuggle instead of one more page.

Warm smiles and Love,