Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

ATTACHMENT IN ADOPTION

THREE-PART SERIES

My first online course

I attended this online three part series on Attachment, and will share my notes and thoughts with you over four posts: sessions one, two, three, and a conclusion based on what I learned most from the sessions. I hope you enjoy.

Online course offered by AFABC
Presented by Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC
Hosted by Erin Melvin, AFABC

Rider: My notes here are written as the sessions flowed for me and are about the subjects that caught my attention. These sessions and discussions were often driven by the course participants and their questions. Because of this, if you are considering this course and are uncertain whether to complete the full series or a portion, I would recommend doing all three sessions so as not to miss out on information that might be raised by another participant and an “a-ha” moment for your situation.

Session #1

History & Behaviours

The first session was interesting and a lot of what was discussed seemed like common sense to me.

When I mentioned this very thing to a good friend of mine he pointed out to me that for many people while the information IS common sense, sometimes you have to hear it to remember it. He went on to say, that often people who know this information and even live it on a daily basis, also don’t “connect” these principles and ideas in their day-to-day lives without being reminded that they are on the right track. Very wise my friend; very true, and thank you for the reminder. 🙂

History:

There was a little recap on the history of attachment theories and the progress that the medical professionals have made in their discoveries about attachment over the years.

In the beginning of Attachment Theory research it was believed by the founder that children were pretty much “doomed” from the time of birth if they didn’t form healthy attachment relationships in the first few days. Attachment either formed instantly or not at all by early calculations.

Over the years, this belief has been dis-proven and the “new” line of thinking that a child’s brain is adaptable and healthy attachment can be made at any age under ideal circumstances.

I was astounded that the “new” line of thinking is that a child’s brain is adaptable! This is “new”?! What astounded me was that it was ever believed that children were considered to be unable to grow, change, adapt, and form new patterns. Ye Gods!

Can you imagine being a parent back in the day when the thinking was “your child is doomed?”!

I feel very thankful that I am not learning about this then. I would have disagreed vehemently and likely been shunned by the professionals in the adoptive community!

Secure vs. Non-secure Attachment:

There was a diagram on the attachment cycle. This goes through four main stages as listed below.

Secure:

• Need arises (e.g. baby needs food)
• Arousal (e.g. baby cries)
•  Need met (e.g. parent feeds and holds baby)
• Relaxation (baby understands how to get needs met, and TRUST is developed)

Non-secure:

• Need arises (e.g. baby needs food)
• Arousal (e.g. baby cries)
• Need not met (no one comes to comfort or feed baby, or they don’t come every time)
• Rage, fear, mistrust develops (baby does not understand how to get needs met, does not know who to trust)

The non-secure attachment cycle, can have long-lasting effects even when the child is no longer in that environment. It can take years for a child to relax enough to trust a caregiver, especially if they have had many caregivers over the years. Re-building trust takes time, and patience.

Behaviors:

Some of the behaviors discussed in the course were interesting, and were repeated throughout all three sessions.

Behaviors that show a lack of healthy attachment were outlined as:

•  Clingy, needy, overtly friendly
• Flirtatious
• Indiscriminate in their affections
• Inappropriate touch
• Inability to make eye contact
• Eye contact that is a challenge or a “stare down”
• Seeking an end result
• Aloof, distant, or rejecting affection

The question that was raised by several participants was:  How can you tell the difference between healthy affection and unhealthy affection?

The answer was: How the parent felt about the affection would be the greatest indicator.

·         If it felt uncomfortable and like they wanted to get away from the child’s affection – then it was the unhealthy needy affection.

·         If it evoked a good feeling within the parent and they couldn’t get enough and everyone was happy and smiling and loving, then it was the healthy kind of affection.

Personally, having not experienced an uncomfortable neediness from a child I’m not certain how this would feel, but I will trust that I will know the difference.

She went on to outline some signs that there is healthy attachment:

• Feels good to be around the child, and to receive affection from the child
• There are genuine smiles and laughter and fun
• Eye contact that is loving and not a “stare down”
•  Wants to be near you for the pleasure and comfort, no end result desired
• The comfort level of all involved is even and content
• There is a calm, relaxed, natural feel between all parties
• Child seeks you out when hurt or distressed
• Seeks your assistance with difficult tasks

Indicators of insecure attachment:

These are a small sample of the lists that were provided, and they are the ones that stood out to me:

• Child sleeps at irregular times or not at all
• Binge eats, or doesn’t eat at all, or hordes food around the house
• Doesn’t have friends their own age, or at all
• Lies even when the truth is a non-issue
•  Doesn’t take responsibility for actions
• May be self-destructive and visibly have low self-esteem

Attachment and how it relates to the adoptive parent:

This was a great topic and I was glad it was raised. There are not only the child‘s attachment experiences to contend with but also the expectations of the parent.

Some of the struggles might be things like:

• Triggers from your own childhood. This is a big one for parents and some they might not even be aware of until they have children of their own.
• Different personalities – this is a good point. Just because you love that child (any child, natural or adopted), doesn’t mean your personalities wont clash!
• Expectations. Parents will often have expectations of how family life should be and sometimes it’s tough to release those and accept where you are right now. Also the expectations of friends and extended family can be quite high. Stay strong and know you are doing your best even if from the outside in it appears “messy”.
• Child’s behaviour. Our course instructor reminded us that we are human too. Take time for yourself, to rejuvenate, and release any frustrations caused by your child’s behaviour. If you don’t look after yourself first, then you will have nothing left to give.

Books recommended for further study:

Both the instructor and some of the participants had good things to say about Claudia Jewett Jarrett’s writing on the subject of Adoption and helping children cope. Her book titled “Helping Children Cope” was highly recommended:

• Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, by Claudia Jewett Jarrett

There was a whole lot more information in this session and I’ve outlined only the parts that stood out to me at the time.

Next week I will cover session #2 which was about understanding trauma and different therapies that could be used to help create healthy attachment. 

Please leave me a comment if you have experience with attachment in adoption. Or if you have attended this course or any other on attachment. I would love to hear from you.

Warm smiles and Love,
Ali Jayne 🙂