Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

ATTACHMENT IN ADOPTION

THREE-PART SERIES – Part 2

Online course offered by AFABC
Presented by Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC
Hosted by Erin Melvin, AFABC

Rider: My notes here are written as the sessions flowed for me and are about the subjects that caught my attention. These sessions and discussions were often driven by the course participants and their questions. If you are considering this course, I would recommend doing all three sessions so as not to miss out on information that might be raised by another participant and an “a-ha” moment for your situation.

Session #2

One of the things that Andrea opened with was the acknowledgement that there has been a lot of changes in the knowledge and research in the last few years by psychologists. Letting us know that while the information that we have today is the forefront of understanding it is constantly changing and we should keep up with new developments.

I was glad she mentioned this, as I often struggle with the idea of a “conclusive finding” when everything in this world is constantly changing, growing, evolving, and becoming more.

Trauma and the brain:

A side-effect of trauma is that the fear/stress systems in the brain are often overactive. The analogy provided was that of a fire alarm. A fire alarm can signal grave danger to all those inside the building, or you could set off your fire alarm by burning toast! And, with the latter, even after you have removed the toast and there is no threat of fire the alarm still goes off as a warning that the house could be burning down.

It was explained that this is often how a child who has lived with emotional, physical, or mental trauma, may respond to seemingly safe situations. A trigger – like the smoke from burnt toast – set off their fear alarm and they are in full danger mode.

The suggestion was to always take a step back in the situation where a child seems to be overreacting (don’t overreact yourself or punish the behavior), and take the opportunity to soothe the child. Let them know the situation is safe in this time and place, even if it may have been the tip of an unsafe situation in the past.

Trauma and the Memory:

Two types of traumatic memory were discussed: Explicit, or Implicit.

Explicit – they are able to verbalize their experience with trauma and express how they felt.

Implicit – they are unable to tell the story or explain how they felt, or even how they feel now. Kids may act out with behaviours that seem inflated to the situation but they will not be able to explain why.

Implicit trauma responses will often include things like disassociation toward situations or a complete shutting down as well as a fear/anger/flight response.

Transitioning for kids who have experienced trauma:

In last week’s post I mentioned writing, or knowing, your child’s backstory. This was discussed again in this session with an emphasis on writing a list of actual (or possible, if no clear history is provided) experiences your child has had and the potential responses to those experiences.

Then look at the changes that your child is going through right now – new home, new family, new environment, new school, even new foods, or new smells in the home – and try to pre-empt what might become a trigger.

Be patient.

Keep in mind the losses your child has experienced. Even in their new permanent home with you, they have lost something and/or someone in their lives to be here with you now. Never forget that your joy (to have them with you) is because of their loss.

A suggested technique for making the transition smoother was to temporarily try to mimic the last environment in small subtle ways such as:

the smells that were present (laundry soap, shampoo, etc),
the foods your child was eating regularly (even if you don’t feel that food is terribly nutritious),
try to keep to the same schedules such as bedtimes and eating times (even if they seem inappropriate now),
either encourage your child to bring the toys they Love from their old environment or replace (recreate) a similar situation in your home.

These are only temporary changes for you but may help encourage healthy transition and adjustment for your child.

Stress Effects:

There were four stress effects discussed:

1. Memory, learning, emotion:

Learning: children may have trouble with learning due to their brain being so cluttered with trying to cope with another transition and change, and with the fear/flight responses that they seem to have no control over.

Memory: sometimes children will be unable to do simple tasks such as turn on a tap or use a toothbrush, not because they are being willful and defiant, but because their brain is cluttered, and they are temporarily unable to access that information.

Emotion: An example was given of a child who grins when being disciplined, and they were unaware that their face was not doing what their insides were feeling. Sometimes a child does not have the understanding of how to express their emotions, not only verbally, but physically too. A suggestion in this case was to work side by side in the mirror with a child so they can see your face as you talk about different emotional responses and what angry, sad, happy, surprised, etc… looks like.

2. Metabolism, blood pressure:

It is common for kids that have been exposed to trauma in their lives to be unable to put on weight or are overweight without cause.

3. Gastrointestinal:

Like the metabolism issue, often children dealing with a mind full of trauma will manifest gastrointestinal problems such as constipation (or the opposite), stomach pains, or headaches. These are often a response to their surroundings and to the transition or the fear/stress systems in their bodies.

It was suggested that if these problems are persistent and a doctor is required, ensure to explain to the doctor that these are likely symptoms of stress, change, and fear, and don’t automatically allow the child to be subjected to testing – thus causing more stress and anxiety – right away.

Try alternatives.

4. Thymus, spleen, lymph nodes, skin, etc:

This one was not really discussed other than to say that sometimes these more serious medical problems can result from prolonged stress and fear. Be aware.

Some of the therapies available:

Before we commenced with the therapies available, it was mentioned that it is likely that therapy will be required at some point during the transition time with your child. The course instructor reinforced that this should not be taken as an indicator that you are doing the wrong thing. Instead see it as an opportunity to connect with and soothe your child.

Three therapies were discussed, and I only wrote down two, because these were the two that were most highly recommended:

The Watch, Wait, Wonder principle by Dr Nancy Cohen.

This therapy allows the child to slow down and take a beat. Here are the points I wrote about this therapy:

Comfortable room, with a blanket and toys for emotional expression
Both parent and child sit down on the blanket, the child leads the play – no rules
The child uses the props to express what they are feeling through free play.
Observed by qualified therapist and discussed with parent afterward.
This one is good because play is a natural form of communication for a child.

The second favourite option was the Child Parent Relationship Therapy.

This can be achieved in a group therapy environment with other parents and children or alone.
Still involves play for the child and observation by the parent/s.
The difference is that the parent is taught what the playtime should be, they do the playtime at home and video tape, then review with the therapist later.
This one is more about teaching the parents how to encourage therapeutic play at home.

Trauma can be healed!

Image by kjnnt courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

At the conclusion of this second installment, we discussed several things that are important to remember:

This is often a slow process and in the beginning it will feel like two steps forward and one step back.

Feeling this way can be extremely disheartening for a parent and for the child who can feel that disheartening in the parent.

Try not to make your child feel like they are not progressing fast enough for you and keep your own feelings in check.

The setbacks are normal, and always try to remember that every set back is an opportunity to soothe and Love.

Be patient. This is vital.

Remember to try to detect the triggers in this current environment that may set off the smoke alarm in your child’s mind and do your best to soothe them and talk through them with your child.

Celebrate every small victory. Even when it feels strange to do so, it will help you connect with your child, and help your child feel like they are progressing.

And the most important recommendation of all:

Take good care of yourself.

If you are not sleeping, or holding in your own emotions without an outlet, or ignoring your health and your own happiness – you have nothing to give your child who needs you now more than ever. Take time for yourself, connect with yourself, Love yourself through this, and make sure you have support and encouragement from at least one person who is empathetic to what you are going through.

Take care of you, so you will have time, energy, and Love to give your child.

Ali Jayne .com

Adoption – Courses – Attachment part two