When should I start putting my kids’ future first?

Quick note from Ali: Calling all Dads too! I don’t want to discourage those of you who are Dads out there from responding to this call!

As you know, I do not yet have children but am hoping to become a mom through adoption this year.

I am currently in the planning stages for a vacation with two of my best girlfriends in March.

The three of us currently live in three different countries and have not been together in the same space for 11 years!! Though we have been together two at a time over the years, and we have all continued to share our lives via email, Facebook, and Skype. We have been there for all of the ups and downs that life has thrown at us, and will likely be for life. We are family.

I am ecstatic about this “reunion” vacation and getting to hug my friends, laugh with them, see them in person, and drink some wine! It’s our “year-past 40^th birthday celebrations” that we meant to have the year of our 40^th birthdays last year and missed… due to life.

Here is my dilemma:

Our vacation has gone from a small intimate gathering in California, to a gathering in California and a side road-trip to Las Vegas, to a gathering in California, a side road-trip to Las Vegas, AND a side-side trip to the national parks in Utah, and I am starting to feel irresponsible for booking, planning, and contemplating such an elaborate trip as an expectant mother.

In April I am to attend the Adoption Education Program (AEP), which will be the final required step before I can be approved as an adoptive parent. Then I hope to be approved and matched with my future children shortly thereafter.

The matching process may involve travel and accommodation to regions within BC wherever my children are in foster care. So I will want to have money at my disposal should the need to travel – possibly more than once – arise during the getting to know you stage of adoption.

My understanding is that there are at least a few meet ‘n’ greets in the getting to know you stage of adoption where you visit the children at a location near or at their foster home, and then the children visit you in your hometown, and then if all is well between you – a placement occurs.

Then there is the coming home stage. I will need to move from my one bedroom apartment to a house before they arrive, which will include moving costs, kids furniture, bedding, clothing, toys, car seats, or booster seats, and other expenses too.

I will be completely starting from scratch.

Of course, many things can be second hand, or borrowed if need be – but when you think about your children and think about becoming a mom, you want to be prepared and as stress-free as possible. Right?

It’s made me start to contemplate – when is it too early to be thinking like a mom?

In all honesty, because I am an older, single, female, with no immediate family support around her – I am likely to be low on the list of potential parents being matched with children. My social worker has warned me that it’s possible that my ‘waiting parent’ stage might be years, or even an eternity.

So when is a good time to start acting like a mom?

When should I start putting my kids’ future first?

If I were pregnant and single would I do this trip right now? Knowing I will have to move in 6 months or less, knowing I will have to buy baby furniture, and all the stuff a baby needs, and knowing I have to take maternity leave (want to take maternity leave) and will have to save money to survive on reduced pay.

No, I would not.

I would likely say – sorry friends but I need to try to start preparing for the arrival of my baby, maybe in 10 years we can get together for our 50^th.

And I feel like I’m IN that situation right now, but because I’m not physically pregnant and I don’t have a “due date” it gets confusing, and this vacation makes me feel like I’m still living as a single, carefree person.

Has anyone else out there experienced this feeling? “The Crossover” between single and parenthood?

It’s unknown when I will be matched with children, but in a “perfect world” with everything falling into place one after the other, I could potentially be a single mother of two children over the age of 4 in 6 months’ time. 6 months!

In 6 months, I could be a single mom, on parental leave, who has just moved into a bigger house with two small children (or not so small depending on age) who are depending on me to love them and feed them and clothe them and provide for them.

The thought of that sets my heart ablaze with love. I want to be a mom, and I want to be a good mom, no, a great mom, and I want to hold and love and nurture my children so, so much. But it will be a lot of change – emotionally, physically, and financially.

I absolutely want to take the parental leave, as it feels really important to the bonding time for us as a family and all that I’ve read supports my feeling on this – and so shouldn’t I be saving every cent to ensure it happens?

I feel really strongly that the answer to that is yes.

Is planning a vacation irresponsible?

A good portion of me feels that it is.

And yet I’m flying out at the end of March for two weeks. It’s a done deal so the answer to this question is pointless really. We’re booked. And I am excited about it; I know it will be an amazing experience that will provide us all memories that we will cherish for the rest of our lives.

Still it feels more than a little wrong – not only from the monetary perspective, but from the state of mind too.

In my everyday life the adoption plays a pretty significant role; it’s constantly on my mind, it’s in every choice I make, every purchase, every word I write. Yet, this vacation feels like the choice of a single carefree person as though the adoption is not imminent, or a factor, and I don’t like how that feels.

The single part of me says “let’s just make the most of every day because we don’t know when or if it will happen” and the side of me that yearns so much to be a mom and to have a family says “let’s slow down and start preparing, we are about to become a single mom – be as ready and financially stable as you can be. Every dollar you save between now and then is another moment you can spend with your children.”

Those last eight words always kick me in the gut.

My friends who are already parents tell me to: TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY NOW! – Yes, they even SHOUT it!

What if my children don’t arrive for years, or at all, and I look back at all the exciting adventures I turned down and I feel regret that I stopped living my life, AND I didn’t get to make a family either.

I want to enjoy this vacation with my girlfriends who will be two wonderful aunties to my children, but I also want to be responsible as a future parent and ready if by some chance my children are ready to be with me this year.

(Please Universe…, and thank you!)

The future is never certain, and we’re all living on the edge of the unknown. It’s almost impossible to know – especially in adoption – how long things are going to take. And how I feel about the situation will likely be the situation I draw to me.

My heart tells me I want to prepare for my children now. I am so ready to be a mom and I want to store my pennies and build a comfortable nest.

My single carefree self says “just go with it, enjoy the flow, enjoy every moment, it will all work out in the end”.

What do you think?

Should I be responsible as if I have my children now, or should I make the most of my last single carefree days?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂

Photo credit: Child S Room by sattva courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net