Online course offered by AFABC
Presented by Randy Simpson and Cathy Gilbert
Hosted by Erin Melvin, AFABC

Rider:
My notes here are written as the sessions flowed for me and are about the subjects that caught my attention. These sessions held much more information than is presented here and discussions were often driven by the course participants and their questions. If you are considering adoption and either have children already or are interested in adopting siblings then I would highly recommend attending this course.

First of all, the course presenter, Cathy Gilbert, and her husband have 16 children – 13 through adoption! That alone makes her an excellent source of information, and worth attending this course. She was also humble and interesting and a really great speaker.

This course covered many aspects of siblings, both adding new children through adoption to existing children in your home to create siblings, or adopting a sibling group through local or international adoption.

I attended this course because I want to adopt a sibling group.

Why?

That is often the first question I’m asked, by anyone with who I feel comfortable talking about my plans.

My reason is simple. I feel that two children will be less intimidating as a first time mom than one.

Many parents with only one child have told me that they completely understand this, as they find themselves being “everything” to that child all the time – parent and playmate.

Because I don’t have family in Canada to share with them, and they will be older that four years old (read: active and talking), it will be good for them (and for me) to have someone other than me in their home, in their family, in their constant daily life, to grow with and play with and love.

And I have more than enough love for two (or ten!) children.

I see so many great sibling relationships in other families and feel that this kind of relationship will last a lifetime if nurtured right. They will be each other’s support long after I’m gone – especially as an older parent – and I feel this is so important too. So, I want to raise children who love and support each other through the ups and downs of life, through their teen years, through college, or their chosen careers, through their relationships, and marriage, and remain close even after they have children of their own.

And in the early years, while I’m learning to be a parent and they’re adjusting to me, they will hopefully find comfort in each other whenever I’m screwing up! (This of course will happen sometimes! All parents do it and all of them worry about it!)

Whenever I mention that I would like to adopt siblings, many people state things like “you are so noble” or “you are doing an amazing thing” or “you are an incredible person to want to do that” or “are you crazy?!”

The last one comes from people with no children, and always makes me giggle! The true answer to that is… “Perhaps a little, but aren’t we all?”

It’s interesting actually the responses I receive from people when I first mention being in the process of adoption, before they even find out that I’m interested in a sibling group. They try to make me a saint, when really my motivation is equal parts selfishness with the desire to create a family for myself, and a desire for someone (or many someone’s) to love and nurture. Bottom line is I want to be a parent, I don’t want to be pregnant with anyone that isn’t the love of my life, and so I am overjoyed to be able to create a family with kids who need one. There’s really nothing noble about it, my motivation is not about saving anyone – it’s about wanting to be a parent and have a family.

The course:

Over 80% of the population has a sibling we were told, and over 50% of the kids currently in the system in BC are sibling groups, though many of those have siblings who are not wanting to be adopted (older siblings), or younger siblings without an adoption plan.

It was discussed that there are many types of siblings and I’m glad it was mentioned because I had many types too growing up, these are the main ones for the kids awaiting adoption:

• Biological
• Birth
• Foster
• Genetic (donor conception)
• Half
• Step
• Psychological “Fictive Kin”

The last one is where they have identified people who feel like family to them and are as important to them as if they were actual siblings.

Myself, I have a half-sister from my Dad’s first marriage, I had two step-sisters and a step-brother from my Mom’s third marriage, and I now have “Fictive Kin” siblings from the living of life and the journey we have had together. In my personal experience, only my psychological siblings have remained constant in my life. However, I see that this is because of the bonds and experiences we shared. All types of siblings have the potential to last a lifetime, and that is the relationship I would like to nurture between my children.

There was some discussion about bringing new children into the home with existing children and there were some good resources mentioned. These are some of the books that were suggested to help facilitate the move with or without other children in the home:

• Happy Adoption Day, by John McCutcheon and Julie Paschkis
• Families are Different, by Nina Pellegrini
• My Adopted Child: There’s No One Like You, by Dr Kevin Leman

Part 1 of this course focussed a lot on expanding your family when you have existing children, and while this is not my situation, I still found many of the discussions helpful and relevant. Here are some of the topics discussed:

Birth order – often adopting a child older than your current oldest can cause problems, but nothing that can’t be worked through if you are willing and able to communicate openly and lovingly with all of your children.

Including your children in the process – ask them to think about what they want in a new sibling, and ask them to imagine what life will be like with one. Share the excitement of the expanding family and the benefits to all involved.

Allow them to adjust – children need time to adjust. Don’t expect them to fall in love with – or even like – the new child/ren immediately. Allow them to express themselves as they feel and acknowledge it. Never force a relationship any child isn’t feeling. If at all possible don’t force kids to share a room if they don’t yet have a relationship with each other.

Communicate, communicate, communicate – take the time to communicate with all children that each relationship is important, that your love for them will not change, but that your parenting style may change with the adopted children. Explain why things might be different and how things might be different.

Spend quality one-on-one time – with each child in the family, especially during the transition. They need to know that they are still special, that their interests are still important to you, that they are loved.

Individualise – treat each child as an individual based on ability NOT age. This is important because no two children are alike and especially in adoption where regression is common. Always avoid comparisons between children – I feel this is great advice no matter how your family was created.

Older children are not support – don’t expect too much from your older children. They are not a parent, this was your choice not theirs! For example: if they babysit the younger ones – pay them as though they were someone outside of the home. (Again, personally, I feel this is great advice no matter how your family was created.)

Healthy Support – make sure to connect with other families who have adopted if at all possible. That support will help you as a parent, and help your children adjust too. AFABC has a “buddy parent” system and can help facilitate a connection with someone in your area if needed. They also have a “buddy child” system too. These connections help the transition for all involved.

This was another reason that sibling groups not only should always stay together in adoption, but are appealing to me as a future parent: having someone else in the family going through a similar transition – helps.

This is a brief look at what was discussed in this hour long seminar and I encourage you to sign up if you’re considering adopting siblings.

Have you adopted siblings? Any comments or advice you would like to share?

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂