What is a surname anyway? Does it need to have a love connection to who you are today?

So much of our everyday lives are identified by our surname, how connected should we be to that name and does it “identify” who we are as people?

Here’s my question: Is it wrong to use a name that is no longer lovingly connected?

There are so many things to consider as a pre-adoptive parent. One of those things for me is the consideration of my surname.

The thought of giving my future kids my current surname feels weird to me as it is my stepfamily name.

You see, I haven’t really been a part of my stepfamily since I was 18 so, even for me, it seems a bit unusual to still be using it.

Earlier last year, when I started publishing my writing online and again when I started this blog, I didn’t want to write under “someone else’s” name. It felt as though I would be giving them credit for something that I created without help from my “family” of years ago. So I created my pseudonym, which was enough of me without crediting any family ties.

And I love it.

However, now I have my future children to consider and I feel strange giving my kids my stepfamily name, when it’s been a very long while since I’ve had anything to do with my stepfamily.

But what to use instead.

My birth-family name? No thanks.

Why?  Well, I haven’t been a part of THAT family since I was 5, so it’s an even greater stretch than my stepfamily name! And while I did use my birth-family name until I was about 10 years old, it was one of those complicated Italian names that I had to spell every time I said it.

My mother’s maiden name? Not even if you choked me until I turned blue.

Why? It has never been my own surname. Nor have I been a part of THAT family for as long, or longer, than my birth family.

So what does that leave me with…

1. My stepfamily name…OR…
2. Pick a random name that I like and change my name to something that I identify with, something that feels good to me.
   (not really a great option…think of all the paperwork! Gah!)

My stepfamily name IS a cool name; it’s always been a cool name, and one that I wanted to use the minute I met my stepdad (though as a child it took me a few years to say so).

Plus, everyone can spell it. Even in different accents/languages people understand me first time, no need to spell. Everyone gets it. Simple. Strong. Traditional.

So why not use my stepfamily as my family name, and be okay with that?

It’s a good question. Something about it keeps tripping me up.

Is it weird to give my children my stepfamily surname when it has no current place for them? They will never meet that family, there is no one from that family in my life, and it’s really just a “cool name” that I’ve been using for many years.

Is simply that I like the name and it meant something to me growing up enough, even if it holds no ties now?

When I separated from my ex-husband years ago, I remember going through this same thinking even then… what name should I choose? I went back to my stepfamily surname not really knowing what else to do. I didn’t want my married name, and I didn’t really have a “family” name (or a family at that point). So I went back to my last-known name. It felt strange. I hadn’t seen nor heard from my step-dad for 12 or more years.

And same goes for now, no contact for 23 years is it even right to still be using his name?

That’s the catch; I still see it as his name, rather than my name. There is the difference.

Since I’m not a part of the family anymore it seems like it’s not my name either even though I’ve been using it for more than 20 years.

I feel a bit like a stepfamily name poser.

I know some women who have used their ex-married name for the rest of their lives, often, but not always, to keep the name of their children. And I’ve always found that a little strange.

The romantic soul within me feels that a surname – which is traditionally ‘given’ in birth or marriage – should mean something, should feel like a part of you, should identify you as HOME when you’re with others of that name.

I wish I could settle on an answer inside of me, I flip and flop between yes and no all the time. Sometimes I feel laughingly disconnected from it “yeah, sure, whatever it’s just a word and it’s pretty cool, and you’ve been using it for 70% of your life now, so why not?”

After all, my time with my step-family was the most favourite part of my childhood. The fact that it didn’t last very far past my 18^th birthday doesn’t negate how incredible it was for the 11 years prior.

Perhaps using the name that housed the happiest years of my childhood to create a family will be a positive foundation for the kind of family I want to create.

And perhaps because it has been MY name for 20+ years, without said family connections, I have claimed it as my own and it has nothing to do with them anymore.

After all of these years, perhaps I have “Aliphied” it and made it my own, and that maybe enough. Perhaps it’s time to stop thinking of it as my stepfamily name and see it as MY family name.

Of course, it could also be that I’m making too much of this name business!

What do you think? Is it wrong to use a name that is no longer lovingly connected? Please leave me your thoughts…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂