As I round the corner into the final leg of this 12 week course, I feel that I have a greater knowledge base on adoption, on what to expect, on the issues that the children may have faced, on the emotions that they will be having regardless of how smooth or positive their experience beforehand, and of the adoption process…

However, in some ways I find myself with even more questions and even less certainty.

Let me rephrase that.

I am certain I want to adopt, perhaps even more certain now at the end of the course than I was in the beginning.

What I am less certain about, what I am less sure about, is my ability to be the mom I want to be, I need to be, for these kids.

The course has opened my heart and soul to new and heightened understanding of the experiences of the children in care, and of their plight for a stable and loving environment which will be their home for the rest of their lives.

I also realise with a greater depth that these kids need stability, they need someone who knows what they are doing, who is confident in their actions, who can allow them to express their fears and anger and know how to handle it without feeling undermined or triggered.

Am I equipped and ready? When I started the course, I felt I was. I was more confident in my ability to parent children when I started the course than now as I round the finish line.

Why?

Because the importance of being a parent, a really good parent, a stable parent, an unwavering parent, to these children has hit home. It’s hit me in the heart.

There is nothing in this world that I want to succeed at more than this.

And that has scared me. It’s made me question – even more deeply – can I do this? Am I able to be the parent I want to be, the parent they will need me to be?

Before I knew so much about FASD, about Attachment, about multiple transitions, about the way children express themselves when they have no verbal language to express, about inducement, about the first two years after adoption and what to expect… before I knew as much as I know now, I was 100% sure of my ability to be the best parent I could possibly be to children who need a family as much as I want to create one.

This week’s module, which covered things to expect in the first two years after adoption, showed me that the questions I had at the beginning of the course, have been answered… I feel more confident in those areas without doubt, but I am leaving this course with a whole range of new questions.

Not so much the physical “ask this question, receive an answer” type of question, more the question of whether I am equipped as a human being to be the mom I want to be, to be the mom that my children will need me to be, and deserve to have.

Talking with my friends, family of friends, support groups, and my social worker, I am assured again and again that this will come, that this is the fear that all moms who are moving toward motherhood feel, that feeling this way is completely normal. A few friends have even said that if I didn’t feel this way then they would worry more.

I admit, I’m not in sheer panic about my ability, I know, without doubt – through the experiences of my life thus far – that I will rise to, and succeed with, any challenge that life throws at me. I know I am capable of that. I can rest in that knowledge, because I’ve proven it again and again to me.

But these are children, children who need a family, who need a home and all that the word ‘home’ encompasses: stability, safety, unconditional love, acceptance, understanding, and so much more.

This is something I want to provide with all of my heart and soul… am I equipped?

I hope so.

I have filled my “toolbox” to the brim with knowledge from books and courses and examples of what to expect, words to use for this scenario, supports to use for that one… and a toolbox is a great thing to have. But I am also aware that in the midst of a crisis do you even remember where the toolbox is kept?

The questions I have been asked to consider during this course such as… “how would you handle this…”, “what are your feelings about this…” etc… have been invaluable to consider. Many of them I would not have imagined were things I would need to consider, so I am grateful the questions were posed.

Each and every time I would sit for a moment and really try to imagine the scenario playing out around me, imagine the emotions that might rise up in me (triggers, buttons pushed), and see if I could still find a way to see the child within the behaviour, see the kid that needs more than anything for someone to say – and demonstrate – consistently, compassionately, completely  “No matter what, I love you so much, I am in your corner, and nothing you can do will make me love you or believe in you less”.

Maybe I can do this. Maybe I am ready. I’m definitely ready to love. Is love enough?

I’ve learned discovered feelings about many issues I had no feeling about prior to the course.

Openness for one, I was very open to openness before the course and honestly had not given the “potential negatives” too much thought. This course asked me to consider the negatives. And while I still focused on the positives, I did visit the negatives and realised I may not know how to cope with the potential problems openness poses. It brought up the question: am I strong enough to stand up for myself as a parent in the face of a biological member of my child’s family if they are not following the openness agreement? I hope so, but I can’t say that I am 100% certain at this point.

FASD, I wrote a post about how the facts about the damage done by alcohol during pregnancy surprised me. As did the outlook for the children who are affected by this diagnosis. It shook me up a little. Am I capable of being the mom a child with severe FASD would need? I do not know. I hope so.

Attachment is another topic that was presented in a way that had me asking… are you ready? The AEP showed me that attachment may be a much longer journey than I’d imagined originally. Will it hurt me deeply if we do not form an attachment bond quickly? Am I prepared for this? Will I still be able to be the unconditionally loving, understanding, patient, rock-steady parent I will need to be? I do not know. I hope so.

Inducement a very interesting topic, one that reminded me of the Jaws movies “just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water….” And while I saw the sense behind it, behind why a child would activate this experience when they are finally feeling safe enough to show me what they’ve been through, and I understood the opportunity to reinforce my commitment as a parent, it felt like another emotional ride that I will be “waiting for” and that had me ask… am I equipped?

The AEP showed me that I will be rubbed emotionally raw, to the brink of my ability and back again. Am I ready?

I hope so.

But then I think of the children. And my heart softens and my concerns subside.

I think of all of the children out there who need a home as much as I want to be a mom, they may even need a mom more than I want to be one – though that is hard to imagine!

I remember that none of these things I learned are really “new” to me. Perhaps they have been highlighted, reinforced, redefined in a way that is more real to me… but they have always been a part of this path I’ve chosen to walk.

The end result is this: Even if it takes the full two years that is the “norm” for adopted children to settle into their homes, even if the beginning of our family life makes me feel crazy and uncertain or scared or exhausted or like an utter failure, and even if I make the most mistakes that have ever been made… I am committed to making this family work. I am committed to the children who will become my children. And I am ready to love – unconditionally – with all of my heart.

Perhaps having questions, feeling uncertain, feeling less-than-confident in my parenting ability is completely normal. Perhaps.

For all the information I have received that made me consider my readiness, I received an equal amount of information from families who have gone before me. All of them said that they would not swap their experience for anything in the world; that their children – even the most traumatised children – have taught them more about themselves and about becoming the person they want to be (as well as the parent they want to be) than they could have ever imagined. There has been no joy greater in their lives than parenting their children, and many, many, many of them have adopted more than once. They wouldn’t do that if it was beyond them, right?

Am I ready? Yes.

Do I have fears? Yes.

Am I confident in my ability to hang in there as a parent and do my very best to be the best parent I can be? Yes

Am I ready to “re-do” every day if need be, until I start getting it “right”? Yes.

Am I confident in my ability to deal with the issues I may face? No.

Am I ok with my answer to the last question? Yes.

Perhaps there is no way to be 100% ready, confident, or equipped.

Each child is different. Each person is different. While there are formulas to follow, theories to read up on, strategies to handle situations, perhaps the only real way to parent any child is by focus of attention, love, and pure gut instinct.

Perhaps the only way to be ready to parent is to dive in and parent.

All the books, courses, discussions, theories, etc… nothing can compare to actual physical experience. And I’m a learn by experience kinda gal.

Mistakes will be made, of that I’m certain, and I have to be ok with making them, learning from them, taking responsibility for them – in the form of an apology to my children and an expressed desire to learn and do it differently next time – and making the changes necessary to ensure the same mistakes are not made again and again.

I hope that my children and I will learn together how to be a family. They will teach me how to be a parent, I will teach them what unconditional love looks like, and we will teach each other what a family means to us.

We may be quirky, we may be unusual to the onlookers, we may even offend some viewers (or so I’m told may be the case) but we will be family, we will be full of love and laughter, and we will be forever.

Let me know your thoughts…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂