Becoming a parent through adoption is not for the faint of heart.
There are so many times that this process will test your desire to become a parent through this channel. The process will push you and pull you and prod you and challenge you – and if you’re still standing at the end, then maybe you have the gumption it will take to become a parent to children who have been through a lifetime of experiences already.
I’ve often wondered if the entire process is set up for this reason, to weed out the weak-willed, the uncertain, the light-weights, so that only the sturdy, certain, committed remain.
These kids will need the kinds of parents with staying power and perhaps that is the point…
Home Study – the first draft…
Reading through your life history as written by someone else is bizarre.
Don’t get me wrong, my social worker is awesome. I appreciate the time and effort she has put into getting to know me, the guidance she has provided in the adoption process, her time and energy getting to the bottom of the facts, and for recommending me for approval, I appreciate all of it.
She is someone that had we met outside of this social worker/pre-adoptive parent scenario I imagine we would have become friends. Actually, I hope that once this process is complete we may still become so.
However, reading my family history in a few short paragraphs is… bizarre.
It’s a bit like coming across a cold dead fish at the side of the lake. The rotting, frigid, grey, pungent corpse is real, indeed, but it does not at all reflect the vibrancy of life that the fish has lived. What is missing is the colour, the exhilaration, the vivacity.
Reading the history section of my home study felt strange because the “craziness” as I call it now, was a small percentage of life back then – it was real for sure, but offset by a whole lot of good times.
My home study wasn’t all bad news of course, the sections on who I am “in the now”, what I believe, what I hope for in becoming a parent, that was definitely me. It was even pleasing to read.
The family history though seemed bleak. And if I were reading it for the first time, if that family history belonged to someone else, I would likely get a picture in my mind that is quite far from the person – me – who lived it.
And yet the information came from me, from the answers I gave to the questions I was asked. I am responsible for the picture that has been painted.
Yes, my family was dysfunctional. Sometimes crazy-dysfunctional.
But there were good times too.
It wasn’t constantly dysfunctional, or constantly crazy, it was like much of life – there were ups and downs, swerves and turns, laughter and tears. And for most of it I was pretty happy.
There was also a good 8 years in there where life with my step-family was pretty normal. We were mostly a regular family doing regular things.
We had boats, went camping, raced BMX bikes and won trophies, we had tonnes of friends, we had sleepovers, we rode our bikes through the streets, we laughed, we played, we built forts out of sheets, we giggled uncontrollably at the dinner table night after night, we played marbles and board games, we had awesome Christmases and huge roast dinners, we fought, we yelled, we loved, and we protected each other fiercely.
There were scary moments for sure – they are true, they happened, and reading them within the context of the document, without meeting me in person, does sound shocking.
Yes, there were some crazy moments. And some “crazy” hurdles too.
But when I am honest with myself (and I try diligently to be) then I have to say that by the time I was 16 and kicked out of home, during one of my mom’s “episodes” of suicide threats, I was so ready to leave that it was a huge relief for me to be free.
And yes – now when I see a 16 year old they seem so young to me, and I just want to scoop up my 16 year old self and give her a great big hug, a place to live, and a stable family. Of course my 16 year old self may have told me to uh…”shove off”, but you know what I mean. I understand that looking at a 16 year old now some of what I lived is shocking, scary, and sad – but to me at the time it was just life.
I also understand that my feeling of “relief” at being kicked out at 16 was the result of the unrest at home and had I been in a healthy stable loving supportive home environment I would not have felt that relief. I do understand these things.
At the time it didn’t seem dire, or strange, or even hopeless. I was full of life, I was full of adventurous spirit, I was full of faith that everything would work out, and the thing is, my life worked out pretty well.
My mother’s “episodes” of depression, suicide threats, and other assorted “craziness” helped me develop a strong imagination, and a strong ability to self-regulate. And I am grateful.
I appreciate that all of the changes in my childhood, the moves, the parental splits, etc… helped me be more flexible in my outlook on life, and also helped me to cherish those things that are stable and balanced too.
Like the blessed family of friends I have around me now as an adult, and the human angels that always appeared when I needed one at different times in my life.
Learning to seek the best in every situation, in every person (OK, I’m no saint… let’s just say in most people!), and to find a way to live happy around the circumstances that presented, is a great gift. I am thankful for the skill. My Pollyanna outlook is one of my greatest strengths.
I’d like to believe that a childhood does not have to affect you for the rest of your days, because not only would many of us be screwed as far as ever becoming a healthy adult, but the children that I want to love and bring into my family through adoption would also have an equally bleak future.
There is no way I will accept that, nor will I ever let my kids accept that they are “doomed” to live a bleak future. No chance.
The history I have experienced does show that I am someone who will more readily understand the tumultuous emotions of a child who has had a less-than-stable beginning. For this understanding I am so thankful.
These positive points were readily demonstrated in the home study too. Thank you Theresa 🙂
And perhaps that is why I am drawn to adoption. Because I know that it’s possible to be painted as hopeless, and still excel in creating a joyful, exciting, abundant life. I want to help guide other little ones into believing in themselves, and into finding the best within themselves despite the circumstances of their beginnings.
Perhaps my history shows that I have lived a colourful life and found ways to see the best in the journey and myself regardless of any setbacks or perceived disadvantages.
Of course, there were moments – there are still moments – where I wish I could have had a healthy stable loving encouraging family behind me through all of my life, not just sporadically through my childhood. And perhaps that will still come for me in the future, who knows what tomorrow brings? For now, I look forward to creating that environment for my own children, and being the parent who never gives up, always uplifts, encourages, believes, and always, always loves – no matter what.
We are all continuously growing and changing and learning about ourselves, who we want to be, the life we want to live, what is important to us at any given time, what makes up our beliefs, our values, and our desires.
And thank goodness for that! Imagine if we were stuck in our 5 year old mind, or our 10 year old, or 15, or 20, or 30, or 40 for that matter…! Thank goodness we continue to change.
It was weird to see my childhood and some of the major events of my life in a few short monotone sentences. It was wonderful to continue reading my home study and see the vibrancy come to life in the picture that is painted of who I am today.
I’m so thankful that my social worker took the time to get to know me and saw the woman beyond the child, and caught a little of the spirit of who I am and who I am becoming.
This year so far has been an incredible journey, an incredible ride, and I have faith that it will continue to be incredible for years and years to come!
My home study is nearly complete!
Within weeks I should be approved as an adoptive parent, and then the matching process will begin.
Stay tuned!
How about you? Have you been through the home study process? Did you find some of it bizarre to read?
Warm smiles and Love,
Ali Jayne 🙂