As mentioned on Monday in the post Adoption: Matching Event, where I outlined what an event is about and how it works, I am now posting my own personal feelings/experiences about the event last week.
Firstly I want to say thank you to the event organisers, facilitators, presenters, fellow families, and to my social worker for recommending that I attend. I am grateful.
I got to meet some remarkable people. The fellow expectant and hopeful parents, all of whom had interesting stories, including a single mom who I had met and conversed with online prior to the event and was fortunate to meet her in person at the event. Along with the many social workers who were profiling children in their care. It was great to meet them all and get a feel for their take on the process and adoption in general. It was also nice to freely talk about adoption with other like-minded people.
On a personal note, I drove onto the ferry for the first time by myself – which gave me a bit of a thrill that always comes with a “first” experience. Plus the whole journey was a wonderful getaway – driving from Nanaimo to Victoria through towns I’d only ever heard of and never seen with my own eyes, staying in a lovely hotel for the night and reading half of a new novel (always a great feeling!), attending the event and experiencing growth and new understanding while meeting some awesome folks who share the same desire to grow their family through adoption.
I was also fortunate enough to top the getaway off by spending the night with another friend (also a fellow single mom) and her family. Reinforcing an already solid friendship and expanding it into one that I hope will remain strong for many years to come. (Thank you L (and M)! A wonderful night of talking, laughter, and friendship… your hospitality, thoughtfulness, and openness was so greatly appreciated.)
My Personal Experience at the Event:
As mentioned in the post on Monday, there was only one child profiled during the day that stood out to me, and she was definitely out of the parameters I had set up as my “ideal” family situation.
Well, actually, she had been within my age parameters until last week when I adjusted my profile from 1-14, to 1-9, however, for the past year since I started the process I have only been considering a sibling group of two (or more) children.
Last week, however, my SW made the suggestion that I open my parameters to consider a single child because this may make it easier to match me. After some discussion I gave, a little, and said I may consider a single child under 4 years old if the profile and circumstances were right.
This one child who stood out to me was beyond my own self-imposed parameters. Still her profile has not left my mind and I’ve found myself trying to imagine life with an early teen, rather than my previously imagined two children under nine.
Many parents on the day of the event talked about how seeing the children, viewing photos and video footage, helped them also discuss expanding their age ranges or the number of children they were willing to consider – or both parameters.
This seemed to be the recurring notion as the day progressed during the parent-profiles.
This process of growing a family through adoption is a dynamic process that ebbs, flows, changes, and grows with the person. Several families who have been waiting for many years mentioned that they have changed and expanded their criteria many times over the years, partly through growth and new understandings about themselves and the children in care, and partly out of desperation to be matched.
I am absolutely open to growth and new understandings being reached – I am a strong believer in continual progress and personal development, however, I deeply fear the second reason that was raised: desperation to be matched.
There was a feel of desperation coming from many of the families who had been waiting, some of them up to four years since their approval to become parents.
Many of the parents who had been waiting a long time had very limited parameters and perhaps this is the reason. Still it made me feel uneasy to see these great couples, with their lives so “together” (travelling the world, big houses, boats, acreage, great jobs with the ability to take leave or have one of the two stop working), still waiting after all of this time. I couldn’t help play the “if they are not getting matched, how am I ever going to be matched? …” game.
It is tempting to open the parameters wide and push myself beyond my current comfort zone so that I don’t end up waiting for many years. For me, knowing my own limitations with where I am in this moment is important – I do not want to fall in love with a child and be blessed with the honour of being that child’s parent if I am not equipped to provide the most positive, stable, loving, secure environment possible. I want to be sure I’m able to be the parent that the child really needs and be sure I’m not taking on more than I can personally handle.
The fear of waiting a very long time felt quite tangible to me during the event day, and I must keep this in mind as I continue to move forward.
Of course, growth will continue, and after years of being a parent I may then be able to handle more than I can now…but now is where I am, and this is where I need to be matched.
The one child that stood out to me was 13 years old and the social worker read out a letter she had written. The letter, and the profile, touched my heart in a way I wasn’t expecting and I felt drawn toward her. After the social worker finished reading the letter, I asked a lot of questions, and took a page and a half of notes.
Her letter was well written, eloquent, engaging, full of honest self-understanding, and held a deep appreciation for knowing who she is and what she wants.
A writer of any sort, but especially one who is self-aware and willing to turn inward as well as bravely put her heart on display; will always capture my own heart. That is someone I can truly understand and someone with whom I can deeply connect.
In talking to other parents during the break following this profile it seemed that many people felt drawn to her also. She was presented as an amazing kid. I suspect I wouldn’t be the only one interested in knowing more about her. I am certain that she will be placed with a family through this event.
My SW has since sought information on this girl on my behalf and we are waiting for a response.
While there is much to consider, and I am not certain that a teenage single child is the right direction for me to go as a first time parent where I currently stand (in my now), I did not want to feel regret about not following through on a child who had planted a seed in my heart.
One of my most treasured personal values that breaks all other rules and conquers all forms of logic is: – always follow my heart.
And my heart was charmed.
Speaking of children who have planted a seed in my heart…
What I was not expecting from this day was that it would make me think of H a whole lot, and I mean a lot.
I compared almost every child profiled to what I knew about H and often I wondered if I’d made a huge mistake not moving forward with the adoption.
H really felt like someone I wanted to parent, I loved everything that I knew about her, I was so ready to be her mom, to love her, protect her, nurture her, teach her, and learn from her. I was ready to get in there and fight for her rights, to ensure she got the supports she needed, I was “there” as her mom. I had claimed her in my heart.
And being in a room listening to other kids profiles reinforced for me how much I wanted to be H’s mom.
It was tough.
I will also admit that because of this, there were moments that I felt extremely mistrustful about the information that was being presented.
When they said things like “this is a different child to 6 months ago” or “this child is now thriving where they are” or “their doctor/therapist/teacher says that their behaviours have changed”, etc… Internally I was saying a big ol’ sarcastic “Riiiiight…”
Even though I know that it was the right choice for all involved, giving up on the dream of the family I hoped we would be, hurts. Especially when surrounded by other children’s profiles.
Perhaps it was too soon to be sitting in a room listening to the same or similar words that I heard about H, when it all sounded so manageable, and hopeful, and positive.
I definitely found my internal attitude slipping as the day progressed, and my internal dialogue was quite suspecting of the words being spoken.
And for sure, they want to provide the most positive information possible, and part of me understands this; an equal part of me disagrees.
Keeping this in mind, when I got up to make my own presentation, I got a little lost and mentioned H & B. I talked about how I was meant to meet them for the first time that very weekend, that very day in fact, and that it fell through only weeks ago.
My intention was not to mention them, but my heart was desperate to shout – “please check the facts, please inform yourselves, please be careful.”
And perhaps, more aptly, “please make it so that I’m not sitting in this room looking at other children’s profiles, instead make it so that I am meeting my children for the first time today…so that we can start our lives together as a family right now.”
I was also feeling as though I may never be chosen again, as though H & B were an incredible miracle for me as a single mom, if the quality of families in the room were any guide – because they all seemed to be hoping for the same children as I was. And who would choose a single mom over a well-established family of two?
It was a vulnerable place to be.
Plus, speaking in public – about myself – is not the most comfortable situation I could find myself in… and I’m afraid it showed. Shaking hands, shaking voice, rambling, reading from the page, not looking up…yep, it showed!
Sidenote: speaking in public about anything else, or being on stage in a performance, I LOVE and ADORE… In fact, I have had several jobs where I was required to hold/host seminars, or teach something new to a group of people and they have been some of my favourite jobs to date. I’ve also acted on stage and in front of cameras before, and enjoy that too. It is only the answering questions about me personally, in person, on the spot, that makes my heart race until my mind is a jumble of blankness, random words, blurted thoughts, and inappropriateness. I like and need to have time to process my answers, and to be able to revisit my answers again and again until I find the one that feels most appropriate to me today.
If they had asked me to write 2,000 words (or more!!!) answering these questions, then I would have rocked it!
So while I did as my SW suggested and mentioned the good stuff, I feel I may have wiped some of that information from their brains when I mentioned H & B.
My answers went (something like) this:
Hi, my name is Ali and this is my profile page (I held it up) – please everyone take one and pass it around your office! (fumbles with my notebook and page on the podium) I made notes because I am feeling nervous and my heart is racing so much that I might pass out (hears laughter) – well, I won’t really pass out but my heart is racing so much it wouldn’t surprise me.
(Or I said something along those lines…yikes! My heart was racing, my voice was shaking, as were my hands… gah!)
- Who is in your family?
My friends are my family and have been for a long time. I’m originally from Australia and don’t really have any family connections to my bio family.
I have a great support network of friends who I consider family and who are close within my community and also spread around the world.
I created an adoptive families support group for the Sea to Sky area, because I knew I would need one and wanted to bring like-minded people together. - What do you like to do?
I live in a coastal mountain town on the mainland and like to do all the things that comes with that like, hiking, biking, yoga, photography, travel, curling, geocaching… (I actually listed these things as a run-on sentence without pauses!)
Then I rambled on a bit about the ESL Storytime program at our local Library that I worked at for kids between 3-5 teaching them the alphabet and numbers.
Then I rambled a bit about being a lifeguard and swimming instructor years ago and how during the past weekend I’d completed the Child Safe First Aid course and was now certified for 3 years.
Then I talked about the courses I’d completed through AFABC, and the Aboriginal Adoption Online course which I heavily endorsed, as well as the books I’d read. I highly recommended The Connected Child and Trying Differently Rather Than Harder. - Who is the child or children that you imagine joining your family?
I feel that a sibling group of two between ages 1-9 would create my ideal family but I would consider outside of these parameters too.
I also mentioned that I would consider a single child under 4 years old if the child and circumstances were right.
This is where I got lost… and mentioned H&B… after bringing them up, I tried to recover…
I mentioned that I was planning on taking the 37 weeks parental leave; that I would consider doing home schooling during that time to facilitate attachment; and that my workplace (which I then explained was a union job in my town) had already been making plans to train someone for my absence that was meant to start in December of this year – and that my workplace was now frustrated because they didn’t know what to do or whether to hire someone. So I could take leave right away for the right match.
(Sounds a bit like desperation right? My brain was screaming…STOP talking!)
What I forgot to mention was that I was also planning on submitting the forms to become a Foster Parent next week and would be offering to do respite for parents in my town. I had that on my list of things to say, but my discussion of H & B was unexpected even to me and it threw me.
When I sat down one of the facilitators got up to say a few words about adoptions falling through. She explained the process that you get a package of information and it’s your responsibility to go through it carefully and to take it to physicians and other experts etc…
I have to admit I felt vulnerable about them saying this and in that moment (where my heart was still racing from having just spoken in front of a crowd about me, and feeling a range of emotions about H & B) I felt as though she was implying that I hadn’t followed the protocols. And so, I added “I did all of that.”
Another SW in the room mentioned that you should also connect with their foster parents and ask to talk with any therapists or professionals that the child sees.
Again from my vulnerable place, I said “I did that too.”
My heart was still racing, and I recognise that I should have kept quiet about the entire thing…for my own benefit, to make a good impression on people who have the power to remember or forget me…
It seems that a part of me needed to say it, perhaps too for the benefit of others to let them know that they have to DIG, to really probe and be absolutely certain that the information they are receiving fits together to form a whole picture and makes sense – and if it doesn’t… then to keep asking questions until it does. Maybe it was a good thing to mention, perhaps someone else in the room needed to hear it.
Still, I desperately wished my SW had been sitting with me so she could have said all of that on my behalf and it wouldn’t have come across as me feeling vulnerable and defensive.
Perhaps I’m making too much of this moment, and maybe no one even noticed anything unusual about it. It was an unusual situation for me and I felt it.
I know that they were trying to reassure the other parents in the room that my experience was the exception….not the norm. They may have been trying to reassure me too – goodness knows in that moment, on that day, in that room, with all of those profiles… I needed reassurance.
My hope is that those who did take my profile home with them will recognise all that I have to offer, and will remember me when a suitable match crosses their desk.
No matter what comes of this day, I am in this for the long haul. I will continue to move forward, continue to learn as much as I can, continue to grow, and change, and develop new understanding about who I want to be as a parent and who I feel capable of parenting.
The right match is out there…I believe that when both my future children and I are ready to be united, then everything will come together in seamless harmony. Nothing and no one will stop that from happening when the time is right – not even me, in a vulnerable state, with my unfiltered mouth!
One thing that I have learned through my journey so far with adoption is that we all have those moments, those vulnerable, spotlighted moments where we question our worth or compare our story with someone else’s. Each time something like this happens, I try to remember to examine that feeling, examine how I got there, what my triggers were, what helped me move through it, and helped me move past it.
Because my future children will have had moments like that, and moments much more intense than that, and me identifying within myself how it came about and how I dealt with it will help me help them through their own experiences.
No matter what happens in my life now, I use it as a chance to learn how to help my children through a similar or same experience in the future – as well as to help me identify and understand the experiences of their past (and my past too).
And maybe I will be a better mom because of it.
That is my hope anyway.
There were many wonderful experiences that came out of this event, and the uncovering of some vulnerabilities in myself that I can now work through – so I would say overall it was a positive experience, which has brought me one step closer to my future family.
Have you attended a matching event? Would you like to share your experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts… please leave me a comment.
Warm smiles and Love,
Ali Jayne 🙂