Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

A Clean Slate

I feel as though I’m seeing the world through new eyes, I’m noticing things around me that I never noticed before from the perspective of a parent, I’m delving into myself more than ever before (which is saying something…who knew I could “delve” any more than before!). I am writing everything down. What I’m feeling, what I’m noticing, the conversations I’m having, the fantasies I run in my head….AND the type of parent I want to be.

As I’m sure many, if not all expectant mothers do – I am trying to work out my “stuff” so that I can come to my future kids fresh, clean, and ready to be the best I can be, so I can encourage and nurture the best they can be.

A clean slate.

I’m spending a lot of time in every day, bringing myself back to a position of “the parent I want to be”, and thinking about the things that come up for me that I don’t want to bring into the relationship with my children.

I deeply want to lead by example and be able to show my children how to move forward in life without being anchored to the past. I want to show them how to move forward in this day, this moment, this millisecond, and garner the most joy from life…NOW.

In order to do that, I have to live it.

When I catch myself feeling frustrated, or angry, or uncertain, or scared, I ask: “Now that I’m here (wherever here is), what are my options for moving forward and feeling as best I can feel?”

I feel as though the time to be a great parent, a great example, is now.

Using this pre-adoption time to become as healthy as I can be without my own baggage tripping me up feels like a good use of this time.

I want to be able to appreciate and be present to each and every moment with my children when they arrive. They will need me, and they will need me to be as healthy as I can be so I can help and guide them to be as healthy as they can be.

I was musing the other day, that with an actual physical pregnancy you still have the “buffer of time” after the baby is born. A time where the child is completely reliant on you for everything, and you will have *at least* a few years before they begin having somewhat coherent conversations with you about your parenting skills!

I feel like that buffer, that “silent” time, with the child would be an invaluable connective time for a parent and child. The time where the only communication between you is one of feeling, emoting, loving, and nurturing.

As an adoptive parent of an older child (likely older than 3 years) I wont have that additional buffer of time to connect, nurture and love without words because they’ll be coherent, talking, and ACTIVE!

Of course there will be those moments of pure connection without words too, and those will be moments to cherish. However, to be realistic about adopting older children there will be a lot of verbal communication likely before the silent connection occurs. According to the information I have been provided so far.

My every move will likely be under scrutiny by a child who may have seen many “parental figures” in their time, and may have even become a “parental figure” to younger children themselves on occasion.

They will be watching me to gauge whether I am a safe adult, they will judge me against all the other adults that have been in their lives. I will need to be as secure and steadfast in myself as I can be to help them to relax, to feel safe, and to allow me to be their parent.

Talk about sink or swim!

I know that it will be a HUGE learning curve for me, and most of my ideals and preconceptions about me as a person and a parent might fly out the window on day one! But the one ideal that I am most clear about, the only one I have any control over really is my own state of mind going in.

So my goal this year before my children arrive is to become a clean slate emotionally, to be open, pure, ready, and actively present to each moment seeking the best I can find in it, and letting go of anything in the past that doesn’t serve me now. And taking notes on how I achieve a releasing state of mind, so I can guide them to a healthier place too.

From what I’m learning about adoption through foster care, many of these kids will have emotional pasts of their own that may be holding them back from feeling safe, loved, positive – regardless of their new circumstances with me – and may hold them back from being hopeful about a future without their past haunting them.

For this reason alone, being in a healthy state myself is vital not only for them, but for me too. I can’t be triggered by their fears; I need to be strong and sure in my own emotional footing.

A clean slate for me right now means:

• A releasing of emotional holds that the past may play in my present
• A feeling of being open to the joy in life, to the beauty that surrounds me today
• Staying present to each moment, and allowing myself to find the best there is to find in it
• Feeling peace with where I am, where I’ve been, and feeling excited about where I’m (we’re) headed
• Remembering that I am the one who creates the emotions that I feel
• Learning to be so steady in my own joy that I am not easily triggered by anyone else, especially children who may be emotionally volatile
• Released of those “when I was a child…” thoughts
• Comfortable in my own skin, and confident in who I am and what I believe
• Flexibility to adapt, change, grow, and return to a positive, healthy state, no matter what life throws at me
• Predominantly more happy than unhappy with life in general!

I’m certain that there will be more ideals I’ll add to that list as the year progresses, especially as I learn more about the needs of children in foster care, and I hope to keep adding to that list for as long as I am a parent.

Some people have suggested that I am showing uncertainty by asking myself these questions about my readiness and about my state of mind. Yet, I feel I would be grossly negligent to not ask myself what kind of parent I want to be, to not want to change and grow and become a clean, fresh palate for the new chapter in the lives of myself and my children as one family unit.

Don’t you agree?

How about you? Did you go through these emotions of wanting to release the past, to be clean and ready and present for your children (either by birth or adoption)? Did you question yourself, and challenge yourself to become the best parent you could be pre-child-arrival? Or did you wing-it as you were with a “we’ll work it out as we go” position?

Leave me your thoughts…I’d love to hear them…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂