As grateful as I am for the life I have now, for the person I have been, for the person I have become and am becoming, for the way I’ve always landed on my feet, and the way things always work out for me, for the friends I have who have become family, for the experiences I’ve lived – and the ones I’ve survived – for the courage I’ve shown and the things I’ve taught myself.

As grateful as I am for all of my life – I still feel the absence of that family behind me.

Not my family of friends, I know they are my family forever. They are the people with whom I will share the journey of life for the rest of our lives and I’m so, so grateful. Still, they are my peers; they are my age.

What I miss sometimes, is the presence of “adults” in my life, older people – people who are the age that my parents would be, or the age my grandparents would be.

I miss the presence of someone who wants to be a mother to me, or a father to me, or a guide to me and to teach me things. I miss the presence of older people in my life who will give me advice, sometimes even redundant advice (!), because they love me.

I miss having that place to go at Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and Easter. Or having parents who want to spend the holidays with me.

I feel sad I will never receive that card in the mail on my birthday with the $5.00 cheque from a dotty old grandparent who I love so much because of the beautiful memories I have of them constantly in my life. Actually, I miss receiving a card in the mail on my birthday…period.

I feel sad I have no one to call when I need that recipe for something my parents, or grandparents, used to make; or when I need to know how to change a tire; or clean an unusual stain; or whatever thing that people call their parents about.

I feel sad that I don’t have parents, or even parental figures, in my life.

I do have beautiful and wonderful friends whom I love and appreciate with all of my heart and soul, who I know will be there for the rest of my life. I know that. I rest in that.

Still, I sometimes wish I had parental figures that cared.

I wish I’d known at 16 when I was kicked out of home that I could still have had a family, I wish I’d known about foster care back then, and wish I was fostered by a family who wanted to be a part of my life forever. It makes me want to foster or adopt every child 16 and over to be sure they have someone for the rest of their lives.

Creating that family for children who will call me mom and who I will love as if I’d given them life from the start of their lives will be the most incredible thing I’ve ever done, and the thing I am most proud of – already – in all of my experiences and achievements.

But in walking this path, sometimes I feel even more greatly the absence of my own family, not only for me, but for them.

I can’t even give them one grandparent, and that makes me feel sad for them. I did at least have the parents and extended family up until my teens and it was enriching to have.

Who will be there to help me and guide me as a parent, and who will I call when I don’t know what to do? Who will make me baked goods and tell me that I’m doing OK? Who will come and stay with me because they love me and my kids, and because they want to be with us for the holidays?

That’s what I’m missing.

I miss having parents. And really miss them more so in my life as I move toward becoming a parent myself.

I don’t even need them to be “mine” so to speak, but I wish there were some “grown-ups” out there who would take me under their wing, and share their advice, and recipes, and cups of tea. Y’know?

I’m 40 now and it seems silly that I still wish I had “adults” in my life who cared. But I do.

In this technological age, I know that I can google, or connect with forums of people, and I will easily and immediately find an answer to the questions that may arise about recipes, or fevers, or stains on the carpet, or whatever… it’s not really about the advice, or someone to call.

It’s about someone who loves me and cares for me and my children, someone who comes over just to give me a hug, or give me a break when I really need one, someone who brings over soup when our entire house is sick. It’s really about someone who cares.

I want surrogate parents who love me and want the best for me and want to guide me, and will be our forever family as I journey into becoming a forever family for my children.

And maybe, like my children, that surrogate parent and/or grandparent is on their way into my life. I would very much like that.

Not having that support in my life does make me question if I am irresponsible as a potential adoptive parent? Is it fair to take children from a foster family where they likely have two foster parents, grandparents, family friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc… and bring them into my fold – where there is just me and my friends?

Where I have nothing to give them but my love, and my desire to create a loving forever family.

Is it enough?

The little girl inside of me says, “Yes, it is enough, if you want to be there for them for life – it’s enough. Imagine if one person from your childhood was still lovingly present in your life – wouldn’t that be enough?”

And that little girl inside me is not only smart as a whip, she’s right, it would be enough.

Of course, I don’t know what the future holds. I may get married in the future to a man with a huge family who will embrace my children – and me – as their own. And I do have the most amazing friends who I know will love and spoil my kids like all good aunts and uncles should.  🙂

My children will not ever lack for love. And perhaps that is all that matters.

Share your thoughts with me…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂