Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

ATTACHMENT IN ADOPTION

THREE-PART SERIES – Part 3

(Read Part 1 here, or Part 2 here)

Online course offered by AFABC
Presented by Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC
Hosted by Erin Melvin, AFABC

Rider: My notes here are written as the sessions flowed for me and are about the subjects that caught my attention. These sessions and discussions were often driven by the course participants and their questions. If you are considering this course, I would recommend doing all three sessions so as not to miss out on information that might be raised by another participant and an “a-ha” moment for your situation.

Session #3

This session was all about forming a positive secure attachment with your child.

Once a match has been made and you know that you are committed to being the forever family for your child, how do you show the child that you have made that commitment?

Especially when they have likely experienced many disappointments in their short lives.

The Practical:

Some of the ideas that were suggested:

• putting photos of that child in your home as soon as possible,
• introduce them as “my son/daughter”,
• if appropriate, identify them as one of the family – as a brother or sister, grandchild, niece/nephew, etc…
• include them in the decisions about their new environment,
• let them have a say in the decoration of their room or the furniture they will be using,
• and use “your” words:  “your” room, dog, backyard, house, family.

One of the participants in the course told us that they sent DVD’s and photos to their child before the child was placed. In the DVD they moved around the house so the child could see the layout of the house, their new room, “meet” their brother and sister, and get acquainted with a day in the life. Andrea agreed this is an excellent way to proactively make the child feel like they are coming home permanently.

The Emotional:

Try to remember that the scariest thing for a child with an unstable history is attaching to another parent-like figure. Even (and especially) if that person says they will be their family forever. The fear that they will trust you and you will let them down, or abandon them, is real, huge and terrifying.

However, they still want to love you; they want to let their guard down and allow you to love them too. Be patient and be there.

Always try to meet your child’s needs as they come up, whatever they may be – even if they are acting younger than their chronological age. If at all possible, show them that you KNOW them and try to meet their needs before they need it.

If you can watch for triggers to know how often they will need love and reassurance, or how often they will need to eat another meal, then provide what they need before they need it and you will show them that they can relax and let go of the fear that there will not be enough.

Remember to respond to the need and not the behaviour. This was a big discussion. If a need – like comfort and security, or even hunger – is not being met they may not respond in a way that demonstrates that this is the need…they may show anger and violence for example or abusive language. Try to ignore the behaviour and meet the need instead.

One parent asked how to tell the child that the behaviour is no longer required in their new environment and Andrea suggested using tools from the book The Connected Child, to say things like “screaming is not needed in this house, you just say ‘Momma I need you’ and I will come right away.”

Be prepared to have this tested, and be prepared to make good on that promise – be there right away.

The Learning Curve:

Many of the children that come out of foster care have been looking after themselves or their younger siblings for a very long time and do not know how to give up that role – or what their role in a family should be, or what the role of a mother should be.

It was suggested to help teach your child how a family works, what their role is and the role of you as a parent would be to play with them, make it a light easy transition by saying things like:

• “oh, in this house we…” or
• “I know that in other people’s house’s sometimes they do it differently, but here we…”

and gently remind the child anytime they start to use the old behaviours.

Regardless of their chronological age, you will need to parent your children where they are at right now. A child of 8 years old may start to suck their thumb or act like a baby – roll with it.

Remember: regression is a good sign, it is an opportunity for you to connect with that child at the age that they needed a parent. If they regress with you, take it as a sign that they trust you to parent and accept them at the regressed age. Take the opportunity, be there for them when they needed you most. 

Listen, listen, listen:

Listen to what your child is saying along with taking note of what they are doing – always allow them to be heard and understood. Reflect back to them what they are saying and that you understand and then give them the chance to correct you if you have misunderstood.

This is important. It shows that you want to know them, that they are important to you, and that you SEE them.

One person in the group suggested the range of Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelson. As I have not read this book, I can only say that the reviews left on Amazon were mixed with a lean toward the positive – and the parent that suggested it during the course said it was really helpful.

Elevate your child:

Find out what your child’s strengths are and build on them.

Are they good at drawing? Nurture that. Are they good at building? Nurture that. Are they good at sports? Nurture that. Whatever it is that they are good at focus on it – praise them, uplift them, encourage them, and let them know you see they have value.

In building up your child’s confidence don’t push them when they say they “can’t” do something. Build their self-esteem first with the things they do feel confident doing and then readdress the “cant” at another time. Be patient.

Remember “every day is a new day”. Cherish the good moments, and don’t hold onto the bad ones.

Use humour wherever possible try to be playful instead of frustrated.

Discipline:

Expect to be tested!

They need to know that you will love them no matter what, and a “test” is an opportunity for you to set the ground rules and make their lives stable. They want stability.

However, it was discussed that discipline such as a time out, isolation, or taking away something that they love (an object or toy) is not going to promote attachment. And may prolong the time it takes for them to form a bond with you.

Other alternatives are “time-in” where you can say to your child “this is a time for us to sit quietly and allow your body to calm down.”

Keep them close to you, and wait until they are calm so you can talk about the situation and teach new ways of coping.

Never shame your child. (seems like it goes without saying right?!) If they are overwhelmed by a situation and unable to do even a simple task don’t make them feel worse or embarrassed or shamed. Take a beat (if it is a trigger for you) and then teach them again (even if it’s the 100^th time you’ve taught them the same thing). Let them know you will be there for them no matter what.

If it is the 100^th time try to work out the need behind the activity, perhaps it’s simply that they don’t know yet how to ask for that one on one time with you.

If a child asks for your help. Give it! Rejoice that they are feeling open enough to ask you and help them. They wont need your help forever. This is an opportunity to connect.

Triggers:

A gentle – or not – reminder…

If a child triggers a parent to emotionally respond or to become angry or explosive – even if it happens daily – this is the PARENTS problem. The parent must work on their own issues to address their trigger and never blame the child.

The child, is the child, is the child. Period.

It is your responsibility as the parent to meet the needs of the child, it is not the child’s responsibility to meet the needs of the parent.

Amen to that.

Another book that was recommended at the end of today’s session was Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzel.

This book was highly recommended by several participants in the course. I have added it to my own wish list as all of the reviews on Amazon were positive too and there was even a personal note from Gwyneth Paltrow about how it helped her parenting. I’m a Gwyneth fan so…

Hope you enjoyed this overview of the three part series. Next week I will post a conclusion with the parts that resonated with me the most.

As always, if you have any comments or would like more information please leave me a message in the comment box.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂