Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

Theresa had given me her email address the night we met at the Adoption Information Session to get in contact with her about a follow up meeting, and I emailed her the very next day.

Hi Theresa,
Thank you for holding the information session yesterday evening.  And please thank Jennifer and Sally too.
As mentioned last night, I would like to explore adoption (and possibly foster care) and am interested in talking about the process and the next steps. If you have some time in the next few weeks to get together I would greatly appreciate it.
Here are the times I have free and I hope something will gel for  us both!
·         Monday 10 June
·         Monday/Tuesday 17 & 18 June
·         Friday 21 June (after 4pm)
·         Mon-Fri 24-28 June (after 4pm)
Please let me know if any of these times work for you.
In the meantime, I will have a look at the websites you highlighted.
Thank you again,
Ali

I am not certain if this is the way others do it, maybe other people just get the information, fill in the forms and be done with it.

I needed to discuss the paperwork, the process, get a feel for the social worker first and see if this was a process that I trusted and that I wanted to follow through. I wanted more information and guidance, but more than anything I wanted encouragement, support, and assurance.

This meeting was important to me.

Did Theresa see that? I don’t know exactly, but I do know that she was open to meeting with me, even if that’s not the normal process.

She responded to my email the same day and suggested Monday, June 10^th – that was five days away. It felt like full-steam-ahead. I agreed in a message and thanked her again.

It took me a few minutes to work out how to respond to the “where” part of the email, I was worried that everything was a test. Putting that fear from my mind I chose the only option that felt good to me. Her office.

My fear of not being taken seriously required this first meeting to be in a serious location, I needed it to feel professional. Both of the other options, my home and a coffee shop, were out of my comfort zone at that stage. Now that we’ve met a few times, and she’s been in my home, I would of course make that selection.

A good point to remember when meeting my children for the first time – we all have our initial comfort zones, and having options promotes a sense of personal power in that comfort. (Thank you Theresa.)

I should note that I was not as interested in Foster care so much at that point in time, but I added it to my email because a) I wanted to be accepted and taken seriously, and b) they’d talked about it so much the previous evening and about the huge need in my town for it, that I was concerned they were not looking for adoptive parents at this time! (It’s amazing how we perceive things without full understanding! Another thing to always remember as a parent.) I figured if I could just get a foot in the door and talk with someone they would see that I am ready and allow me to move forward with the adoption process.

The week flew by and I spent many evenings walking and imagining my future children with me. I pictured things we would do together, conversations we would have, how it would feel to hold them, what it would be like to tuck them in at night and read them a story. I also wondered where they were now, if they were safe, happy, and wishing for me too. I am a romantic at heart and for my imagination this opportunity was like sweet nectar to a hummingbird.

Monday came around and I made it to her office, I was feeling nervous.

I wondered if this was the right thing for the children (a single mother, small town, renting a one bedroom), if it was the right thing for me (could I be a parent at 40 just like that, could I give up my free time?), and if I would be approved or would she talk with me further and say “sorry, you’re not a good fit”.

That was really the thing I worried about the most, being rejected for this amazing gift that I wanted more than I could have ever imagined.

The thought of not being approved, of being turned away, of being told to come back when I was “more”… ready, stable, financially able, suitable, parent-like… terrified me.

But Theresa is like a cool dip in the ocean on a hot summer day, she blew into the room with a smile and a welcome so warm it put me at ease immediately.

I followed her into her office and right away she set me at ease. She was immediately open with the information, talking about the process – without prompt – and the “next steps”. She walked me through, step-by-step, what the process entailed. Explaining the initial forms to be filled in, the police check, reference checks, the home study, questionnaires as a part of the home study, the Adoption Education Program that is compulsory to be able to adopt in BC.

We talked briefly about the profiles I’d seen of the waiting children online – online you cannot see photos, only profiles and names (pseudonyms). She asked me to look away from her screen and then pulled up on her computer one group of four that I’d enjoyed reading about, she cooed and said “ooh, oh my, they are adorable.” Cruel much?! So I didn’t get to see them, but she did want an idea of the types of profiles that catch my eye and these four had stood out to me. Note: four children is a little out of my comfort zone…a little too much “instant mommy” for this mother hen, but the profiles of these kids I did find appealing and that’s what she wanted to get a gauge on – what kinds of profiles appeal to me. 

She had also printed all of the paperwork that I would need to apply and told me to take my time reading through and filling them in. Demonstrating to me that she was taking me seriously, I appreciated that too.

The required forms were as follows:

• The Application to Adopt – a five page document that is about you. Your work history, cultural/racial heritage, belief systems, interests, financial standing, medical history, beliefs, upbringing, and references.
• The Adoption Questionnaire – this is a two page questionnaire about the children that you would like to adopt. It asks questions like age, race, religion, disabilities the child may have, and the types of backgrounds they may come from (experiences they may have encountered in their short, sometimes uncomfortable lives). This form comes with a booklet of explanations on some of the health issues and mental challenges listed to assist you to make your choices.
• Then there were two or three other forms, that were one page forms giving consent for things like criminal records check, and consent to collection and disclosure of information.

I ventured, “Will I be approved for this based on what you know so far? What are the criteria that would render me unsuitable?”

It had played on my mind for the past year. I needed assurance, I wanted to hear tangible reasons for failure – and asked for these.

Personally, I would rather not take the step and allow myself to believe it was possible if someone could tell me immediately that I wasn’t a good candidate.

She told me that under normal circumstances (not sure if I ever fit those…but I knew what she meant), the only things that would stop an application would be current behaviours that are not child supportive and friendly. Such as: current criminal behaviour, or current abusive behaviour toward children or animals.

She added that those behaviours in your past were not reason for immediate disqualification, if rehabilitation and new understanding was shown (for example, having served time in jail would not render you unsuitable if rehabilitation from the reason behind being there was demonstrated.) Phew. Good to know. I did not have either of the no-no’s past or present.

“Don’t worry, you can’t fail this.” she assured me, using the wording I had used with her…”failure”. Something I appreciated as it made me feel heard.

I guess, looking back, I was still coming to terms with the fact that I could do this, that I was worthy of being a parent, even as a single 40 year old woman, and that I was (am) a good choice as a parent. It had been a long time in coming, that knowledge, and I feel so grateful to have found the feeling place of it now (and for that feeling to be gaining strength every day).

I took the paperwork. “Take your time,” she said, “get them back to me when you can.” And then she explained that some people take weeks or even months to return them.

For me, once I decide, I decide, and that’s that. I don’t like to dilly-dally, I would show her how much I wanted this by being the quickest most efficient paperwork-submitter(-er) of all time!

And I did. I submitted my forms five days after the meeting, though some of them did present a challenge!

Walking out of the office that day with the bundle of paperwork, the booklet on how to fill out the Adoption Questionnaire, and the information she had provided, I felt lighthearted, exited, and so grateful once again that Jennifer had called to invite me to attend the information session the week before.

My mind was abuzz with possibilities…

A family. I could have a real family.

I felt the prickling of tears in the back of my eyes. A feeling I would become very familiar with over the months that followed…

Warm smiles and love,
Ali Jayne