It’s easy to forget that all adoption is built on a foundation of grief and loss.
I know that as I head into the next month of pre-placement visits and ultimately the placement of the two little girls that I am going to call my own, it’s very easy to get caught up in my own excitement and forget that these two little girls are going to lose – again – everything that they know to be theirs.
My friends and family are very excited for me to “finally” become a mom. I too am excited and equal parts scared to become a mom…but I’m trying to remain level headed about what adoption means to my children.
The only way I can become a mom through adoption is for there to be deep loss and an enormous amount of grief. No matter their age, that is the experience of these children.
Maybe not forever, but at least initially – my children will see adoption as another loss, another move, another moment filled with grief.
H has been through several homes in her short life and, until this last placement with a wonderful foster family, none of those homes were very loving, trustworthy, or supportive of her needs.
Her current home is filled with love and she has grown and emerged from the shell of a child she was when she came to them. Now that she’s more comfortable, secure, and happy possibly than she’s ever been in her life, she will be moved again.
Permanently, sure, I know that… you know that… but how much faith do you think an 8 year old will feel about the words spoken by adults about her “forever” family?
There will be grief on the part of her foster parents too. They love her. They love her like their own child or granddaughter. We have already talked about how much they will miss her and how the reality of this adoption is just sinking in for them both. They will “lose” their girl.
Yes, we will have an open adoption with them and I’m very happy that they will continue to be a positive, loving force in her life. I am hopeful that we can maintain a good relationship for the rest of our lives. I want H to have extended family, to be able to go and see “grandma & grandpa” in the summers, and call them whenever she wants to talk with them.
It doesn’t negate the grief that all involved will feel at the change in their relationship.
And B, I can’t even fathom how this will affect her.
B is only 18 months old, she has had only one set of parents (that she can remember), and how do you even begin to explain to a child of 18 months old that the only parents she has known are no longer there when she cries, or when she wakes up at night, are no longer there to cuddle her when she falls, or make the faces that make her laugh?
All she will know is that she is with a strange woman, in a strange house, and her parents are nowhere to be found.
How can you even begin to explain a permanent home and adoption to a child who is not yet able to comprehend your words in an intellectual way?
Imagine the terror and confusion for this little girl.
My heart grieves for my children and the loss they have already experienced. My heart breaks for the additional loss that they will experience from our coming together as a family.
I wish there was another way to make this happen for us, that isn’t associated with loss. I wish I had been there from their birth, and that I had been the one with the privilege of giving them life. I cant change what they have been through so far, nor can I go back and give birth to them. Instead I have to be aware, as their mom, that these are children who will have pain and grief to move through before, and while, we bond as a family.
Yes, for me, this is a beautiful opportunity that I have been given to fulfill my dream of becoming a mom… but I must never forget the cost of this opportunity.
I need to stay grounded for the sake of my children, I need to ensure that I never forget the loss that has transpired for this adoption to take place.
I must remain sensitive that they will need to grieve, they will need to be angry, they will need to hate me for taking them from the safe and loving homes they were in, they will need to experience their emotions, and they will need to go through these emotions before we can celebrate that we are a family. They will need me to take all of that pain that they are feeling, in whatever way they express it, without making it personal.
And they will need me to understand that no matter how much time passes, or how connected we become as a family, there will likely be moments of re-experiencing that loss in their lives for many years to come.
They will need me to be the solid foundation underneath them even when my heart is aching and breaking for them – and for my own dream of motherhood.
My dream of motherhood is likely the same as every expectant mother, one of love and joy and more love and cuddles and joy and more love. I know that through adoption this will come, but it won’t be immediate.
Yes, I get to become a mom, and I do feel excited for the opportunity to create the family I have been wanting.
We will mark their ‘homecoming’ in a special way, and mark this day as a day to remember in our family calendar. However, initially we will be living with grief, and my main job as a new momma will be to support them in that grief. My job will be to let them know I can take it, that I’m not going away, nor will I ever minimise or override their grief by prematurely celebrating something that is another painful and confusing moment in their lives.
And it will be to never lose faith that we will become that dream family – our own version that we will build together as we learn to love, trust, and find our own groove.
There will be time for celebration. It wont be immediate, but I have faith that it will come.
As always, I welcome your comments…
Warm smiles and Love,
Ali Jayne 🙂