Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…
References.
Point number three on the Adoption Application Form almost stopped me in my tracks.
A minimum of four references are required, including one from each of the following:
- an individual who has known the applicant(s) for a minimum of 2 years;
- an individual who has had an active association with the applicant(s) over the previous 6 months;
- an involved member of the applicant(s) extended family; and
- if there are any adult children living outside of the home, at least one of these children. (if there are no adult children, please include another reference from #2)
This was one of the things that made me feel like perhaps I shouldn’t get my hopes up. One of the references had to be a family member.
“an involved member of the applicant(s) extended family;”
Technically, I don’t have any family that I could ask.
Well, sure, there is Mother, My – but she is not often of sound mind, nor is she active in my adult life and therefore doesn’t really know anything about me to answer questions.
There are her sisters, my aunties – but they are currently out of communication with me (it’s an on and off kind of thing and I do not know the rules), plus they don’t really know the adult me either, other than a few emails here and there. I may have other living relatives somewhere, but I know not where, and we would not have communicated since my single-digit years, so….
It was one of the things I discussed with Tanya at our first meeting.
I remember tentatively saying, “I, uh, don’t really have a family member that I can put down as a reference.” And before she could say, “oh well, sorry, that’s it then… see-ya.” I continued quickly, “I do have two very good friends that I consider sisters, and that have been in my life for over 10 years. Would that count?”
I was acutely aware that there was a slight wobble in my voice during that last sentence. I had that “ticking clock” feeling like time was mocking me by purposefully going excruciatingly slow as I waited for her reply, the prickling of tears forming in my eyes at the thought of being rejected because I had a shitty (non-existent) family.
“Like sisters you say?” She asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“That will be fine, just have them say so on their reference form.”
Relief flooded through my very soul. The tension of my absentee family bringing to a halt my desire to create a real and lasting family for myself was intense!
It was also another of those defining moments where I felt sure I was on the right path, and I felt again the enormous clarity that I want to be a mom, that my heart has not only embraced this desire but is invested in it. I want to able to create a family for myself and children “like-me” so much.
A forever family – gosh I adore that term!
I know I visibly brightened and took a deep, deep breath. I now knew who would fill the family slot. Thank goodness.
How do people who don’t have active family members (or any family members) cope with situations such as this where a family reference is required? I wonder.
From an aspiring adoptive parent point of view, not having biological family support makes me feel even closer to those kids who are in the foster care system with no family ties, and especially the kids who have aged out of the system with no family by their side. I hope to very soon be the family for at least two of them. And I hope with all of my heart that all of the others either get placed with a loving committed family, or find themselves a family of friends as amazing as mine so they always have someone to call “home”.
I had wanted to see a copy of the questionnaire they would be sent to help me make my selection for the other references, but she didn’t offer and I was too frightened to ask. (I really need to work on that!)
For the other three slots, I have some very close friends that I asked immediately, and was overjoyed when they agreed. Which of course I knew they would, but it still made me feel delighted to have them involved in such a personal and exciting process!
When I submitted my form, I had chosen five people to be references in total. I wanted at least one extra to be sure to show that there were people who were supportive of me, regardless of the lack of biological family.
Within a few weeks all of the reference questionnaires were returned. Theresa told me that this was record time. She also told me that sometimes, with some applications, they trickle in over months – months!
Can you imagine someone asking you to be involved with one of the biggest most personal decisions of their life, agreeing to do so, and then taking months to fill in a form? I had a hard time fathoming that! If someone asked me, I would not only have been touched and honored, but it would have felt like a hot potato in my hand, burning me until it was released! I am so grateful to all of my references for feeling the same way. Thank you!
What kind of questions did they ask?
I did get to see the questionnaire eventually and it was relatively simple with only three pages. The questions were along the lines of how they know me, how long they’ve known me, check boxes about my personality, a box to fill in known experience with children, and whether they would feel comfortable allowing me to look after their own children if they were unable, and whether they would share their answers with me.
I can’t help but compare, occasionally, the traditional way of having a child and the adoption way. This one part of the process made me consider these differences.
When (if) you decide to conceive a baby the traditional way, it’s – usually – you and your partner, or you and your doctor, or you and your face aghast in the mirror (whoops!). You don’t fill in forms, fill out questionnaires, ask your friends and family for references, discuss it at work, talk with a social worker, take courses, and have interviews – all before the first bout of morning sickness! (In fact, isn’t it considered bad luck to discuss a traditional pregnancy until you’re at least three months in?)
With adoption you don’t have the luxury of privacy. Be aware!
However, with a pregnancy, you may not have the level of support, education, and assistance that you get with adoption either – at least in the very early stages. Or maybe you do, if you would have had trouble choosing which family member to use on your form!
Each option has its own advantages, and both options are precious gifts in the life of someone who wants them.
As for my references, biological family or no, I was able to fill in the blanks! Hooray!
I feel so extremely grateful for the family of friends I have in my life who I know will be there for me, and for whom I will be always be there, as if we shared DNA.
So far I have been touched by so many beautiful angels in my life and I love each of them (of you) with all of my heart. I look forward to my new little angels when we are brought together, I love you already. <3
Warm smiles and love,
Ali Jayne