One of the challenges in this adoption process is staying open to the possibilities and not closing your heart after the first (or second, or third, or fourth) heartbreak.

I struggled with this for a few months after the planned placement with H&B fell through. At first I tried to tell myself I was OK, because the decision was mine to step back and say “this is not a good match for anyone involved” and I felt it was a good decision, the right decision.

What I didn’t expect at that time was that eventually the loss of the dream of the family I imagined we would be would catch up with me, and I would feel grief.

There were a few moments in early January where I felt like I wanted to “pack it in” and accept I would not become a parent. They were only brief moments, but the feeling of loss and the fear of being open to falling in love with the idea of new children was real. My heart felt constricted and unwilling to let go.

I still remember the meeting I had with my SW in January where my heart was not ready to come out just yet. I told her I needed to take a step back for a few weeks or even a month before I could consider any other children.

Around the end of January I started to feel myself peeking through the curtain again. I started to feel stronger and ready for a little hope. Almost ready to start back in the process again, it wasn’t like the curtain just fell away…but the previews were showing and we were on our way to the full open screen.

A healthy portion of me wonders if this part of the process is to help me find ways to stay hopeful when I’m hurting, and to have recent experience to draw on so that I can identify with the loss that my children will be feeling when we come together. Whether the intent or not, it is providing me with the opportunity for continued growth, and I am grateful.

Then there was the matching event in February. I saw the profile of the twins mentioned in a previous post and I started to allow myself to fall in love with the idea of them, with the idea of becoming their mom.

However…we still have not heard back from their social workers! It’s been two months and no one has returned any emails or phone calls. (Rude much?!)

Still, like the signs of a bad first date, the picture is clear:

No returned calls, no returned emails = no match.

So, accepting this, I met with my SW and we went over some profiles that came up in the internal database as potential matches for me. There were approximately 20 profiles in total that were within the parameters I have.

Of those, I felt drawn to four sibling groups in particular – including another set of twins 🙂

While there were some younger sibling groups that I was interested in (under 6 years old) there was one profile that stood out to me – a boy (8) and his
sister (3). Something about the information that she read out to me, and the feeling I got about them has attracted my attention and I’ve spent more than a few hours imagining what it would be like to be their mom.

Recently, I told a friend that I need to be able to imagine something before I can make it happen. Whether it is with something new in my life, or whether it is letting go of something that no longer serves me.

If I can’t visualise my life either with or without something in it, then those changes don’t happen.

I want to be able to visualise our life together. I also want to have as much information as possible about that child so that while visualising I can also prepare myself in the right ways to be the best mom I can be.

We didn’t have much information to go on unfortunately, and for some of the sibling groups the only information that was available was their name, age, ethnic group, and location. No other information listed.

My SW explained that many or most of the description boxes that could be filled in were left blank. Most of the information that would be helpful in determining a match is shared between social workers verbally or by email after that initial contact.

This was good to understand. I find that with understanding comes an easier time of being patient. If I know that this is how something works and that this is the reality of the way things go… then I feel better about letting go and allowing things to unfold within the “normal” timeline.

Of course, there is a part of me that also wants to get in there and update every record to include as much information as possible! I am still me after all!

I believe that the social workers – my social worker in particular, is doing her best with the tools she has to work with and the sources she relies on for information.

In fact, she is doing an amazing job, and I am so grateful that she is the professional that I get to work with to become a mom. I feel fortunate to be situated in this town at this time in my life!

There are many posts on the online adoption support groups from people who are having a really tough time even getting in contact with their SW, sometimes waiting weeks or months for a returned call. It must be difficult to feel assured that this person will understand their needs and put in the time to find a compatible match.

I am very lucky to have the social worker I do, she cares about us all and she connects. Thank you!

For a few days I mulled over the notes I took from our meeting about the 20 profiles we’d considered. Once I decided which of the sibling groups I was most interested in I emailed my list to my SW for more information, and I hope to have it soon.

And so the waiting begins… again.

The only thing for me to do now is to let go and trust that when the timing is right my future children and I will be brought together.

Perhaps they will be a boy of eight and a girl of three… 🙂 (or not, and that’s OK too)…

Staying open can be tough, especially if you spend a lot of time imagining being the mom to particular children only to find out they are not the ones for you.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart, I often hear that expression from those parents who have gone before. It’s not always easy to remain open and ready, there are times where you wonder what on earth you are doing and if this is the right path for you… at least, I do. And perhaps this process is set up to weed out the weak ones, and build up the strong ones, because while the rewards are tremendous and so, so special, it’s always going to be like this…there will be days where I will want to pack it all in, give up and cry, days where my heart will hurt so much I’ll wonder if it will just stop beating of its own accord. The key is to keep moving forward. If I was unable to keep moving forward, keep picking myself up, keep finding new hope in this part of the process…then perhaps this is not the path for me.

And I do keep getting up, I do keep finding new hope, getting excited, looking forward to meeting my kids when we’re all ready to come together as a family. I still believe this is the right path for me. I believe it’s going to be the most joyful, incredible, rewarding experience of my life, and that it may well be entwined with the toughest and sometimes scariest expressions of my life. Love, family, the growth that comes from all of that, and the joyful moments are worth every uncomfortable moment. Right? I believe so.

From this point forward I am going to do my best to keep my heart open and allow myself to trust the process. If you have any tips on how to do this – I would love to hear them!

How about you…

Are you also playing the waiting game? Are there moments where you want to shut down? How do you remain open? And how are you finding the contact with your SW?

I would love to hear from you…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂