Therapist weighs in:

If you remember from the last post it had been suggested that I undertake therapy for the purposes of demonstrating I was sufficiently healed from my past and ready to be a mom.

When Theresa, my adoption social worker, emailed to book an appointment with me to discuss the next steps I was excited. This meant the therapist had weighed in with her and I would find out where we were now in the process.

However, I still had a tentatively booked appointment with the therapist for the weekend before the meeting with Theresa. So I called the therapist and asked her if we needed to keep the meeting.

She told me that she had provided her report to Theresa, so we cancelled the tentative appointment, and then followed up with “if you want to schedule an appointment after you have met with Theresa to discuss the outcome, I will be here for you.”

Uh… sure.

So after ringing off with her I thought about that final statement for a while and needed clarification. I emailed and asked if she felt that I was not going to be approved based on her recommendation.

She responded that the report she provided had included some concerns:

“I think you would not harm or abandon a child, and you would be devoted. My concern is that your own childhood would not equip you for dealing with children with problems, and I think parenting is very difficult at the best of times, so it would be potentially even more challenging with adoptive children. I know you have taken lots of courses and are prepared for children with problems, but I don’t know if you are realistic about how difficult it can be.“

Dumbfounded as I read this, I felt for a moment the fury of once again being judged by my childhood. I wondered why she did not bring this up during our sessions, especially when I had a few more sessions available under my extended health. (We had used three in 2013 and one so far in 2014).

I emailed my best friends with the news, and then wrote for an hour or so about the feelings and emotions I was having. I was pissed off at first, furious, angry, and then I moved through the emotional levels on the page (depressed, angry, indignant, vengeful, resigned, accepting, etc) until I came to that place of acceptance.

In my experience, acceptance is where hope begins to shine its warmth again.

A wonderful skill I have developed through the living of my life is the ability to move through those levels relatively quickly. Of course I have my moments where something or someone has hurt me so deeply that I spend days wondering if I will ever feel the sunshine again. But for the most part, I turn around pretty quick.

Note: a sceptic may say “you developed that out of necessity.” And to that I say “so?” if a man learns to run fast by being chased by wild animals, does that make the skill of running fast any less of a skill? I think not.

Then I meditated for a little while about what this means to me. If it means that adoption is not the way I am going to have a family at this time, then that’s what it means. At that acceptance point I was able to see – and my wonderful friends reminded me too – that while adoption is a way to have a family, it’s not the only way. It’s how I would choose for myself right now, but if it doesn’t choose me, then something – or someone – is just around the corner.

I started to look at how the adoption process has changed my life already. I have evolved more than I could have imagined. To be at the point in my life where I even WANT to be a mom, is a huge leap forward for me. It’s a place within myself that I often wondered if I would ever reach. To feel that love for the idea of a family grow in my heart, to feel myself coming to the realisations that I would like to be a mom and to feel ready to make that commitment in my life – was HUGE for me.

I am forever grateful for the experience so far.

And I believe in the law of attraction. I believe that if I focus on what it is I want: to be a mom, to have a family, to commit to a family forever, to have little humans in my life daily that I get to love and guide and learn from and teach and grow with, if I focus on all of that and really put some emotion behind it, then I’ve put it out there and I trust that the universe is responding.

In that moment I accepted that maybe this was the end of the adoption line for me. And I accepted that maybe adoption is not the way for me, perhaps my husband is waiting for me and has been waiting for this moment for me to be ready. Perhaps he already has children and I will get to be a step-mom, or perhaps he will be childless too and will want to have babies with me immediately, or any number of other possibilities that I haven’t thought of yet.

The universe is pretty amazing like that, comes up with ways that I couldn’t have even imagined… consciously! 🙂

Interestingly, it did also make me consider what my life would be like without adoption on the horizon. It has consumed my thoughts of the future since the first meeting last year. If I’m not going to be a mom, then a “lifetime” union job in a “family-based” town seems like an odd choice. If I don’t get to be a parent, then why would I live like one? There is a whole world out there, and without roots binding me, why stay rooted?

These were good questions to ask myself in this moment, and a good thing to consider. Life is full of opportunities and possibilities, we never “arrive” we’re always growing and expanding and changing. Perhaps I would sell my stuff and travel the world for a little bit, perhaps I would have an Eat, Pray, Love experience.

With those thoughts came the relief of peace.

No one knows what tomorrow brings, and there is no point worrying about what might be an awful experience in the future. My time is better spent thinking about what could be amazing about the future.

With a few deep, deep breaths, I released the future to the universe and allowed myself to imagine the possibilities that would delight my senses.

I had six days to wait for the verdict and I felt calm that no matter what happened…

…I would be OK.

The meeting:

When Theresa arrived at the coffee shop six days later, we chatted like old friends for a moment, and then she said, “sorry, you’re probably feeling nervous about today?”

I answered honestly, “No actually, I’m feeling pretty good. Whatever outcome today I feel good about the direction of my life.” And I really meant it in that moment, I was feeling really good and at peace with everything.

She looked surprised, and then smiled “Good, let’s get on with it.”

She told me that she spoke with the therapist and that they talked for a long time. She told me of the concerns that were raised, and I mentioned I was aware of them and explained the email I had received. We talked for a little while about that.

Then she told me that even with the concerns the overwhelming feeling from all that have been involved with me, is that the benefits of me as a parent outweigh the risks and they are going to approve me.

She told me that my tenacity, my unwavering commitment to attending courses, reading books, doing the therapy, and all the challenges that had been brought to my attention as “potential denial material”. I had persistently worked at doing whatever was necessary to show I was worthy. I had proven I wanted this. She also mentioned that as a person, in person (rather than on paper), all who had met me really liked me and wanted to see me as a parent. They all agreed I would be a loving, devoted, committed parent. I agree with them. 🙂

I will be approved 🙂

I still have to complete the Adoption Education Program before that approval can happen but now I know I’ve checked all the boxes.

And I will be approved.

See, I could have spent those six days wailing and worrying and panicking and getting myself all worked up about the result that I imagined, and all that would have happened is I would have made myself feel bad.

It was a good reminder and a good lesson in remembering that no matter what life throws at me… I will be OK. So relax now, enjoy the moment, and leave the future to the future and if you have to think about it, imagine a perfect outcome either side of the coin.

We then went on to complete the home study, in the coffee shop! More on that later!

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂