As mentioned in the post last week, the third and final portion of the home study was completed at the coffee shop during our meeting about the therapist weigh-in.

In a coffee shop for me was not ideal, and definitely out of my comfort zone, but I guess parenting will be out of my comfort zone too! So best to get used to answering unusual personal questions in public spaces….right?!

We talked about a lot of things and the toughest question by far was this one:

If you die who will get your kids? 

I did not have an answer, and I almost lost it right then and there in the coffee shop. This is my choice to take on two kids. Who in my life would want to take on two orphaned children? I didn’t know. She didn’t press and told me to think about it. She said that most people choose a parent or relative and she knows I don’t have one of those to choose. So she said all they need is a name of someone who would take my kids in case of my death (and that they must have one to complete the approval.

A few times in this process I have felt angry at my family, and this was one of those times. Two dads, a mom, two sisters, a brother, 14 aunts and uncles, lord only knows how many cousins, and not a single one of them in my present life – what the ‘eff’ family?! Seriously. I just need one name. Y’know?

Honestly, this is a huge thing to ask. Isn’t it? I mean, I’m ready to parent right now so I would be more than willing to take on someone else’s kids in the case of death or inability to parent… it is really what I signed up for… but to ask someone to take on my children should I die, is a really big ask.

I did talk with my ‘family of friends’ (the people I consider my family) about this dilemma and while she does live far away one of my ‘sisters in life’ offered to be that name. Thank you – ever so grateful.

This was a great question for me to consider though, what happens if I do die? Without family support here in Canada who will look after my children if I am incapacitated or dead?

I guess it’s a great question for any parent.

Please note: If you are reading this post and would like to share how you choose the people you want to love and raise your kids in the event of your death I would appreciate reading your thoughts and stories.

Ideally, that person would be someone active in their lives, who they trust, who they love, and who loves them like their own. Right?

I still remember years ago, when I was with some friends and their kids and the subject of who they “go to” in case of their parent’s death came up. The mother told them “you will go live with Uncle Johnny” (not his real name) and they were horrified. “Why would we live with him? We never see him, why can’t we just live with Ali?” They wanted to live with me because I was active in their lives and we loved each other very much. In their mind, living with an uncle they saw once a year for a few days, and who lived far away from them, was horrifying for them to consider.

That moment definitely stuck with me, not only because my heart was touched by their declaration – I felt the same way and would have loved them like my own, but also because I decided in that moment that it is important to me that my kids love the person, or people who would look after them in my absence.

We’ve all seen the movies where children are sent away to live with the crazy relative they don’t really know and how terrifying that is for them, especially after losing the people they loved and adored most in life. My kids will have already been through that situation at least once in their lives, maybe many times….I would not want to put them through it again.

The friend I put on the form is honestly the person I would choose if there was no such thing as distance, because not only is she the kind of mom I aspire to be (she’s the best mom I’ve seen – ever – and her kids are the most incredible, happy, well-adjusted kids), but she would really and truly love them like her own and in the way I hope to raise them myself. The only downside is that she lives so far away and will likely only see them once every few years. She is one in a million and finding another like her would be impossible… but, finding someone like her locally would be a godsend. (or perhaps she could move here!)

So that was the toughest question!

Some of the other deep questions:

What is most important to you as a parent – what do you want most to bring to the table?

I told her “understanding” is my main one.

I’m not likely going to be the best disciplinarian, because rather than react to the behaviour I will want to know what is behind it. I want to know what my child is feeling and thinking and why that behaviour felt appropriate to them. I want to deeply understand them. And, I want to find their strengths and focus on them, so as to elevate them and love them into wanting to find ways to be the best they can be.

Yes, I’m an idealistic first-time parent who has not yet experienced the day-in, day-out, role of a mom! You can all start taking bets on the rose-coloured glasses coming off now…!!!

What would be the thing that would break you as a parent, what would have you saying “sorry, that’s it, I’m done.”

Wow! Really? My first feeling on that was “adoption is forever right? There is no breaking point, is there?” and she smiled, and said “in a perfect world yes, but let’s play the game… what would be the thing you couldn’t tolerate.” Yikes I don’t know?! Seriously. What kind of question is that?

So I said that I feel like I will be able to deal with any and all emotional stuff. Physical violence or physical destruction of property on a constant daily basis would likely be something I’d struggle with accepting?? But we’d find a way, get some help, get therapy, or some kind of intervention? I don’t know. That question really caught me off-guard.

What kind of kids would you like – for example: do you want them to be super active hyper outdoor kids, or more mellow indoor kids?

LOL, I guess that is a good question but the wording made me laugh. I told her creative kids (artsy, dance, music) would be more my style than hyper outdoorsy kids but I am completely open to being the chauffer and cheer-squad for active kids too. I told her that I don’t really ski, or downhill mountain bike, but I love playing in the snow and I love bike riding on regular paths, or hiking, or swimming, etc.

She told me that her son is an avid skier and she is always happy to drive him to Whistler to ski, but has never once skied with him because she doesn’t ski. So my not doing those things is completely OK. Phew!

Other questions were things like:

What is your parenting style?

How can I have a parenting style when I am not yet a parent?! That was a tough one? Loving, kind, patient (I hope), understanding, fun, funny, inspiring, safe, caring, strong, confident….I mean these are all the things I hope to be, I don’t know that they are a “style” though.

If [this scenario] happened how would you respond?

I answered as best I could on the spot. [this scenario] were things like ‘your child is acting up in the supermarket, what do you do?’ or ‘if another parent was angry with your child’s behaviour, how would you respond?’ or ‘What will you do with your kids outside of school time for leisure?’

What would your ideal home be like? “Go crazy,” she said, “tell me your lottery dream home.”

This question is because I currently live in a one bedroom apartment and will need to move before my children join me!

Ideally, I want 6 bedrooms (includes a guest room for my out of town family of friends who I want to feel welcome too, and room for potential family growth), a huge sunroom/play room, an office, a large backyard with a vegetable garden, a cubby house, a swimming pool, and a basketball hoop. Biking and hiking trails nearby. Maybe acreage, and animals, perhaps nestled next to a forest, and a guest house above the three car garage. 🙂

Once my fantasy home was out of the way, I said that wherever we live I want my home to be the place other kids want to come and hang out too and the place where my kids want to be on their time off. I told her that when I was growing up I wanted to be at everyone else’s house but my own. Although I did love the space in my bedroom, which was lucky because I was grounded for most of my three at home teen years! I want my house to be that house where other kids want to come and feel safe and at home.

Potential in-home day care:

I also mentioned that I’ve been toying with the idea of offering daycare at home so I can stay at home as a mom during the parental leave and even beyond that time. She said she would get me some information about the care you can do without certification.