Recently we had an annual festival in my town, and I am heavily involved both at an organisational committee level and as a volunteer through the weekend.

This time I was also “official photographer” for the festival website.

What was interesting to me this year which differed from the last few years was that I did not connect the festivities with my future adoption.

2013:

This was odd to me because two years ago I had just started the adoption process, I was eager and excited about the future and about becoming a mom. I cried at every event because for the first time in…ever… I felt as though becoming a mom was imminent, and that perhaps even by “next year” I would have a family with me.

Everywhere I turned, I saw families enjoying the events, and every time I saw a family my heart burst with the possibilities that soon I too would have a family, soon I too would be a mom, soon I too would be bringing my children to these events – and tucking them in at night after staying out too late and eating hotdogs from street vendors.

I drank in the visions of family that I saw around me and my heart expanded and cried with joy for the potential future I had ahead of me.

2014:

The following year (last year), I had been approved as an adoptive parent literally one day before the start of the event weekend, and was super excited and relieved.

I had been given outlines of several profiles of children to consider – and these were constantly running through my mind as I went about the actions involved with volunteering. I wanted to adopt all of the children I’d been shown, and was certain that soon – as soon as within a few months – I would be a mom.

Again, everywhere I turned during the festival weekend I saw families, I saw children laughing and crying and being with their parents. And I cried because I knew that soon that would be me, trying to keep my children together at the event, dolling out juice boxes, wiping noses, and carrying those too tired to walk.

My heart was bursting with the joy and possibilities of my very near future as a mom.

Since last year’s event – I’ve had a match which made it almost to the pre-placement visits and then fell through, I’ve been to several matching events, requested information on several children, been presented several children, and nothing has yet panned out.

2015:

So this year, the festival weekend started on the first anniversary of the day that I was approved to become a parent. And, in contrast…

• I did not have profiles to consider.
• I did not have that feeling that adoption is imminent, and as a result – the families around me were just that….families around me.
• I didn’t personalise what I was seeing about me.
• I just went about my weekend as single female doing her volunteer duty.

I attended all the events as a photographer and I photographed many families and children – it’s only in hindsight that I realise that I didn’t internalise what I was seeing, I didn’t connect the families in front of me with a future that is mine.

I didn’t cry once with heartfelt hope for my future family.

Don’t get me wrong, I had the most amazing weekend – there were so many other things going on, friendships blossoming, exciting events that I attended, the thrill of rushing about taking photographs, and the satisfaction of giving my time to make something pretty amazing come together.

I had a blast. It was a great weekend for me, one of the top five this year.

(Though I needed several people free days after the event to regroup!)

It’s only as I work my way through the photographs, that I realise I was disconnected from adoption during this festival.

I remember seeing the anniversary date pop up on my calendar, complete with exclamation points, stars, and hearts (!!), but adoption seems so unreal now. I dismissed the reminder as I would any other pop-up.

I passed the exam, I “finished school” and now what? Nothing really, I’m another “graduate working at McDonald’s waiting for the big break”…so I just go about my business of waiting…and filling in time.

When I compare this recent festival weekend to the previous two years, it feels as though I’ve strayed off the adoption path and the mirage of possibility now feels as distant as the path that appears to be no longer beneath my feet.

And the most surprising thing about it is that I’m not feeling cut up about it.

What does that mean?

I guess that is up to me how I interpret my feeling place in the here and now. There are as many possibilities as there are thoughts, but from the outside looking in there are two more likely reasons for the lack of sadness.

1. I’ve matured and reached a place where life is no longer “all” about adoption and my future as a parent.

Perhaps I have finally relaxed into the place that they told me I should find when I started this process… “Go on with your life, live it as normally as possible, you can’t stop living because you’ve started this process to adopt.”

I had struggled with separating the idea of adoption and the possibility of becoming a parent with everyday living. ALL of my decisions were based around how they would affect me as a parent, how they might affect my future children, how spending money instead of saving was denying time with my future children.

Adoption was definitely the basis for all of my decisions over the past few years.

And maybe this new place of enjoying each day without the shadow of adoption is a good place to be.

2. Adoption is not the right fit for me – or I am not the right fit for adoption.

After all if it was meant to be wouldn’t it have been by now?

I know that other waiting adoptive parents go through this; wondering if it’s ever going to happen, wondering what is wrong with their profile that they are not being chosen, wondering if they should make changes to their profile or expand their ticky-boxes, wondering if they should go on and live their lives or continue to live and breathe adoption every day.

Sometimes I do feel a bit guilty that I’m not living and breathing the idea of a match arriving tomorrow or the next day… but at the same time I’m also feeling great relief to not be constantly living “the wait”.

On some of the adoption forum groups recently there have been people “quitting” the adoption wait altogether – withdrawing their applications and giving up completely. They’ve been waiting for years, or an adoption match fell through and they’re too heartbroken to continue, or they’re just done with the bureaucracy.

I’m not quitting nor am I giving up, but I’m not feeling as “invested” either.

I feel I may have been “defining” my world, my life, myself, as a pre-adoptive mom and as a future parent and forgotten that I am so much more, that life is so much more.

Is adoption the right thing for me? Am I the right person for adoption?

I guess only time will tell.

If a match comes to me that is right for me and I’m in the right place to receive it, then yes, it’s the right thing for me and I am the right person for the child/ren.

If a match never comes… then… I need to have a fulfilling life without it.

I owe that to me right now and, really, to my future family if I am to have one.

Accepting that there is the possibility that it may not be right for me or me for it, does make me consider how I’ve changed over this time and wonder if that change is positive. I certainly feel as though I’m in a really good place.

My focus has been drawn back to the place of personal growth, developing new understandings, finding a new love for who I am, bravely taking steps I’ve been afraid to take in the past (including sky-diving!), reconnecting with friends and loved ones, opening up to new friends and loved ones, and doing more of the things I love to do and enjoying each moment as it happens.

I’m choosing me.

Perhaps I’m in a more mature place and equally a more child-like place than I was a few years ago.

Is this place conducive to being a parent and having children? Yes, I believe so – perhaps more so than ever before.

And I no longer feel the urgency to become a parent immediately.

And that is a nice feeling.

Throughout the adoption journey I have tried to remind myself that adoption is not the only way for me to have a family. There are options that maybe I have not even considered yet.

Plus, there is time.

The feeling of time slipping away has been a part of the urgency for me, and releasing that fear of being “past my time” is perhaps the greatest sign that I’m in a better place than before.

I have a beautiful family of friends, and many nieces and nephews around the globe from that family of friends.

If I don’t get to become a mom, I get to be an Aunt to all of those kids, and their kids too.

If I want to be with kids closer to home, I could get involved with Girl Guides or Scouts or some other organisation and be a friend and guide to many kids.

There are options.

There is time.

Adoption might still be the path for me and I might still be the right person, the right parent, for adoption – but I no longer feel the sense that it has to happen now, or tomorrow, or in any particular way.

And that is a good feeling.

For the first time since I started this process, I enjoyed a festival weekend without tears and without overshadowing everything that was happening with the future possibility of having children through adoption by “next year” (or any other timeline).

I don’t feel like I’ve “lost the faith” just that there is a distance from the path… and, perhaps, I’m cutting a new path that is yet undefined.

How about you, have you ever felt distant from the adoption path during your journey?

Did that distance last and you moved away from adoption, or did you eventually find your way back and adopt?

I’d love to hear from you.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂