One week ago today, my home study was signed off and I was officially approved as an adoptive parent!

I am APPROVED!!!

I want to thank my wonderful social worker for all of her encouragement, support, guidance, advice, acceptance, and the words of hope and wisdom she constantly shared with me. I feel so grateful that she is the one who is walking with me as we have journeyed from the first meeting to approval, and who will continue to walk with me as we move toward matching and placement.

Thank you for helping me to become approved to become a mommy!

What a year this has been!

When I went in to sign the papers, my social worker already had four sibling group profiles for me to consider (each one consisting of two children).

I ruled out one group right away based on the information she had, and we put my name forward for the other three.

None of these groups may work out, but it is exciting (and a little overwhelming) to imagine that I might soon be a mom to two or more children!

And so the matching process begins…!

I have been working toward approval for a year now (almost to the day) and during that year even with all of the courses and books and discussions about children, it STILL feels quite mind-boggling to imagine that becoming a mom is now inevitable. Very soon I could be matched and have children placed with me that will be my children for the rest of our lives! Wow… my heart explodes with love and gratitude at the thought.

It was a blur sitting in her office as she was reading out kids’ profiles to me, and my signed home study was lying on the table, and it kept hitting me in waves, these children she is reading out because they may be placed with me as my children – as their mom – for life.

It was a poignant moment where the reality of it all touched me in surges of alarm and eagerness, panic and hope, fright and joy.

I had a hard time focusing on what she was saying actually – perhaps I was in shock.

When she finished reading the four profiles (8 kids total) she asked what I thought and all I could stammer was, “uh… I don’t know, I’m reeling actually, I don’t really remember anything but the last two you just read.”

She laughed and said that’s quite a normal response. “When it ‘hits home’ that this is really happening that this whole year has been working toward actually becoming a mom… it’s like OMG!”

That’s kind of how I was feeling. My brain was whirling with the thought, “the ink isn’t even dry…let’s take a beat.”

It was kind of a bizarre moment.

Perhaps that is what that last month of a pregnancy feels like when you’ve been going along quite nicely, smiling at your changing body, relishing the new sensations, the fantasies of the future, what that child will look like, enjoying the whole process and feeling yourself “pregnant” and losing sight along the way of what the end of that pregnancy really means, then that final month comes and it gets REAL with each looming day it’s like “wait a minute… oh shit… am I ready…wait, wait… I need more time!”

But that’s what I’m here for, that’s why I was in her office – to sign the papers approving me as a PARENT, y’know?!

So I’m flowing between floods of panic, waves of excitement, and a nice wash of calm in the mix too… It’s quite the ride.

Two days later she contacted me about another sibling group – a group of three children, and we again put my name forward.

For the whole weekend I imagined what it would be like to have three children. I even met a woman who has five children through adoption and we talked for a little while about how it is to adjust to that many children as a single parent.

Today, however, she let me know that I have been ruled out as a prospective parent for the three children. But we have had no word yet from the guardianship workers of the other groups of two siblings.

I guess that is the way this process will go from this point out… until my children are ready to be matched and I am ready to be their parent. There may be many “meantime” matches until the perfectly orchestrated connection for our family.

What an adventure is this life!

I am APPROVED!!!

I will be a mom, maybe not this month, or next, or even this year, but I will be a mom. I am so grateful, so filled with love and hope.

My heart is full, open, and overjoyed.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂