I feel as though I’ve been gone from this blog forever…. I’m sorry for the disappearance… or is that avoidance?

My greatest indicator that I’m not feeling myself, or terribly positive, is when I shy away from the truest part of myself… my writing.

It hasn’t just been my blog…but my journal entries too. There were days over the Christmas/New Year break where I didn’t even turn on my computer, let alone write something… that is about as “depressed” as I get.

Writing is by far my happiest place. I write daily, whether it be a journal entry, a blog post, an article, or a heartfelt email to a friend. So to not do it for days on end… that’s when I know something is up with me. And it shows in my overall attitude toward life.

December used to be my favourite month, especially since I moved to Canada with winter in December and the added possibility of snow…I LOVE snow! Plus, December is my birthday month and Christmas, two things I love to celebrate.

This year however it was an emotional month. It was H’s birthday the weekend before my birthday, which hit me harder than I realised.

I spent a lot of time thinking about B and whether it will be possible to still be considered as her potential adoptive parent if the current plan to place her with an older relative falls through. I not only want the opportunity to still be considered as a potential mom for B; I also want the opportunity for a continuing connection to H.

And then there was Christmas.

It was going to be my first Christmas as a mom… and instead it was the first Christmas that did not feel particularly festive.

I shied away from all of the invites to share in other people’s family Christmases, though I was so touched (to tears) that I had invites at all. Thank you my friends, I feel so blessed to have your love in my life.

Christmas felt uninspired.

I didn’t put up a tree, though I did decorate my pedestal fan – see below – which did make me smile as this is something we used to do in Australia years ago when we were unable to put up a tree because our cat would climb and tip it over while we were at work, and then drag every single ornament to the front door to greet us when we got home. “Oliver” was an amazing cat, and I loved him so very much. He brought me so much joy and unconditional love, as cat’s do (if you are a cat person, which I am), and who touched my memory a lot this month…so I am now considering getting a cat sooner than later.

I did still buy some gifts for my future kids. Not knowing their ages I went for generic gifts and family gifts – board games, books, and another Discovery Kids kit (see post from last Christmas) this time it’s a fort building kit.

I also did still sing Christmas carols and watch a million cheesy Christmas movies…ok, so a little Christmas spirit snuck in there sometimes. Even when I’m down in the dumps, the eternal optimist pokes holes in my blanket of humbug.

Last year, I really believed that this year I would have a family, and for a few months I even had a match and the plan was to have them before Christmas. So this year, even though in my last post was optimistic about the year ahead, Christmas felt sad.

Alone is an unusual feeling for me because I love my own company more than anyone else’s, and I don’t feel lonely (or bored) when I’m alone. Truth be known, it’s my favourite way to pass the time.

(Yes, thank you parents of the world… I do understand that alone time will be difficult to come by as a parent, especially a single parent – I hear that quip a lot – and I still move forward into parenthood willingly.)

This holiday season pushed me in ways I hadn’t imagined, and I found myself feeling alone.

As hard, and sometimes deeply painful, as that feeling was – I still take away from it the knowledge that my future children will likely have experienced that feeling, and on a broader more frequent basis. I wondered if they were feeling it this year, and hoped that they were not, that wherever they were they were with people who made them feel at home, loved, safe, and full of Christmas spirit.

Getting to experience this feeling, and the “funk” that surrounded it, will – if I allow it – help me connect with those feelings of being alone that my children have felt, and the feelings of closing off their hearts to the possibility of hope. Maybe by experiencing sadness this year, I can empathise and understand their heartache in a way I may not have connected with before this, and perhaps that will bring us closer together.

Even with the “funk” I’m still moving forward. I rarely stagnate for long…

My two weeks off over Chirstmas/New Year was spent sorting through the storage room in my building to re-organise, re-pack, and get ready to move.

Then…this past weekend I viewed a place for rent. It’s in a townhouse complex where I wanted to be, the price is a little above what I wanted to pay but is still reasonable compared to other prices around town, the landlords seemed really nice and are putting in new carpets and a fresh coat of paint. It has a garage and a crawl space opened up for storage, it has relatively new appliances, and we talked about allowing a furry friend too…

Yet, I walked away from our meeting feeling conflicted, uncertain.

It seems perfect…so what is my conflict?

Here it is (left over Christmas funk…):

What if I move, pay the extra $600 per month to live in a bigger place, and remain there…alone. What if I am still waiting for a match this time next year.

Then I will have spent an extra $7200 on rent that I could have saved toward my “Adoption: Parental Leave” fund. Because I will definitely need extra savings to afford to take parental leave, and I want to take the full parental leave allocation to help facilitate a healthy attachment with my kids.

There is the whole “cart before the horse” argument happening in my mind.

• Is it better to pay the money toward rent so I’m ready to receive children now, even if no match happens for a year…or more?
• Or is it better to save that money so that when my children and I are matched I have the funds to take the time off to bond with them? And trust that a suitable larger place to live will be available at that time.

The argument for waiting also goes…if it does take a year or more to make a match, then the additional savings may allow me to purchase a home instead of renting one.

The thing is… I really want to LOVE the place where I live, I want to walk in there and go “Yes! This is it. This is where I want to start my family.”  (says my beautiful romantic heart)

I haven’t found a place like that yet.

I feel conflicted.

Tomorrow I meet with my SW and I hope that talking with her will help me find some clarity, or at least provide a new injection of hope.

What do you think?

Should I take the rental with the extra space and “technically” all the items on my wishlist, or should I stay put and save that money trusting that the right place will appear when the match is made?

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂