How do you deal with the personal prying questions?

It has been highly intriguing the difference in reactions to my adopting an older child vs. a younger child.

Some reactions from people have made me feel urm… strong emotions.

Here is the general response to my adopting an 18 month old:

Note: almost all of these comments start with the delighted smile, sometimes the clapping of hands, and the “Awwwwwwww” sound…

That is SO exciting!!!! Oh my goodness, congratulations!
(note: this is always the appropriate response no matter what age the child is, please keep this in mind the next time someone tells you they are adopting.)
You are going to love her!
18 months is such a cute age…
She’s nearly out of the diaper stage.
Close to the terrible twos (followed by a laugh) that will be fun…
If you need any….
(fill in the blank: clothing, tips, support, blankets, toys, babysitting services, daycare suggestions, etc…)
My child…
(many, many beautiful stories have been shared with me by moms of any age reminiscing about their child at that age – even moms whose children are now parents in their 30’s and 40’s)
Do you have…
(whatever might be needed for a child of this age – followed by suggestions of how to get those things, or offers of those things)

The general response to my adopting an 8 year old, never starts with an “Awwwwwww…” sound, it’s more like an “oh” sound:

Wow, you are brave.
(Ok, so this comment is really a response to adoption at all and is one of the most common things people say to me.)
Does she have…
(list any number of things here, FAS, behaviour difficulties, learning challenges, mental problems – people are quite in my face about it.)
Did she experience…
(neglect, abuse, trauma, etc… whatever the end of that sentence it always surprises me the ability of people to pry into the private history of a child.)
Why don’t her parents want her?
(Seriously, this is just a rude question – this is my daughter you are talking about and I want her)
Why don’t her foster parents want her…
(again, I want her, this is my daughter you are talking about – be respectful)
Is she aboriginal…
(The response when I say no, is always one of “well that’s lucky” or “phew” quickly followed by “not that there is anything wrong with an aboriginal child…but you know….” Leaving a trail of empty space sometimes with the raised eyebrow.)
That’s going to be tough connecting with an older child.
(yes, I know, thanks for reinforcing that for me)
She will be able to help you with the younger one…
(as though this is a good reason to have an 8 year old, “in house babysitting”, this comment might make me the angriest of all of the comments)
Any number of other personal questions about her life, or statements about the difficulties I will face.

So most of the questions around an 8 year old are prying and extremely personal.

I’m not a question asker of people because I don’t feel comfortable answering personal questions myself. I find on the spot questions too restrictive for me to answer in a way that fully reflects how I feel about something. I like to ruminate in the question to come up with the answer that feels true to me; it’s not something I know immediately at first thought, and it’s often something I need to write about to dig down into how I really feel. So I tend not to put other people on the spot either.

So when people who are not my close “inner-circle” (a.k.a. family) start asking deeply personal questions about me or my future children… well, it’s a bit of a shock.

The difference between the responses to the two ages surprises me.

Everyone and anyone who hears about an 18 month old is offering excitement, love, encouragement, and support (or help) in any number of ways I may need. Any “negative” comments are in loving jest about the trials of a 2 year old or potty training.
Everyone and anyone who hears about an 8 year old is offering warnings, condolences, statements of hardships, and almost perversely prying to discover what is “wrong” with this child.

Why such a difference? Why can’t the first response be the same for both ages?

I usually talk about H first because she was the first child I knew anything about and I accepted the proposal on her (in my heart) before I knew the outcome of which sibling/s would be adopted with her.

Then I mention B.

When I did this with one acquaintance she had a “wow, that will be tough” response to H, and an “Aww, how amazing” response to B, all within about 60 seconds.

Internally I felt “mama bear” angry about the response and it took a lot of restraint to not point out what she just did, and explain to her why H is equally worthy of her “Aww, how amazing”. In fact, I had a total “Ally McBeal” moment inside of my head imagining becoming the huge mama grizzly bear and all out roaring in her face at the insult. Instead I cut the conversation short and bid my adieu.

My hope is that people are not this openly forward about questions when I have my children with me…though the information I have from other adoptive parents is that they will be – sometimes even more so.

It will be important for me to learn how to respond to these questions without compromising respect for my children and their privacy.

It will also be important for me to not try to compensate for this with my kids – that is overcompensating with love for H, by underplaying love for B. Loving them both with equal intensity based on their individual needs will be an important part of parenting my girls and showing them that one does not have to lose because the other gains.