Last week my SW sent me two emails with profiles of children to consider.

Yay! Made my heart skip a beat to see these emails pop up and I feel a glimpse of hope.

One of the emails had photos attached. I have to admit I looked at the photos before I read the information, and wow… Cute! Oh my goodness, this little guy was melt-your-heart-cute! His face made me smile instantly.

Then I read his profile.

Sadly, his medical needs are beyond where I am comfortable at this point in time.

While I will be fully supportive, and fully present, if my future child (or children) needs medical attention and/or treatments – even regularly – due to some development in their life, I am not willing to take on a child with higher medical needs straight off the cuff.

I’m not much for doctors or medications, and hospitals give me the willies.

The other profile that she sent me is a slightly older child, but still younger than five, who was described as “quite high functioning” on the Autism Spectrum.

My discomfort with physical medical needs, doctors, and hospitals (in particular), is lessened when it comes to a more mental difference to the norm. Perhaps that is due to my own upbringing and the time spent with a mom who was ‘out of the ordinary’.

So this little guy didn’t immediately make me uncomfortable at the thought of being his parent.

The information in the email was only a few short lines. I have to admit this is very frustrating to someone who likes all of the information and a more robust amount of words! Still I had key words to look up – “quite high functioning ASD”.

I spent the good portion of that day reading Autism sites, both from a medical “diagnosis” perspective, as well as from a parenting of autistic children perspective.

Even watched a couple of YouTube webcasts (ok, six) that a father and son put together over the span of 3 years. The descriptions of the boy at 8 years old were “high functioning Autistic boy does…” and then at 11 years old it said “boy with Asperger’s…”

I read about the difference between these two diagnosis: High Functioning Autistic and Asperger’s. The main difference, in my short stint of research, appears to be the swiftness of grasping speech as a toddler, and the openness to affection. A child with Asperger’s will talk sooner, and will be more open to affection with loved ones.

There are likely many more differences, but these were usually the first two listed as I was flipping between many sites and skimming the information to get as much as possible in a short amount of time.

The conclusion on most of the sites I read was that the similarities between the two are greater than the differences, making diagnosis often interchangeable. And it was noted that often children diagnosed as High Functioning Autistic were often rediagnosed as Asperger Syndrome when they reached tween/teen years.

My search also uncovered that there is a support group for parents of children on the spectrum in my town, and if I get more information about this child and am feeling drawn toward becoming his mom, I will contact them and get the inside skinny on what parenting a child with “quite high functioning Autism” is like.

The end result for me was that I have asked for more information on this little guy. 🙂

One thing that struck me while I was reading yet another site, and my eyes were growing weary from the glare of my computer screen (not to mention my bladder that was desperate for a break!), were the questions:

Am I interested in this child because I’m really considering if I would be equipped to parent a child on the spectrum?

Or…

Am I interested in this child because I’m so starved for profiles to consider that I need to make one of these two kids “work”?

The first child, though cute as a button, was too far out of my comfort zone to consider, so was I forcing myself to find information that made me feel like the other child could be a fit?

Good questions.

Do I have answers?

Nope. Not conclusive ones. Not deeply honest ones – yet.

Although, I do feel that if I had to ask myself the question, “Wait a minute Ali, what’s the motive here?” then it likely means that I know the answer.

A part of me wants to make at least one of these profiles “right” for me, in case I don’t see another profile for 3, 6, 12 months, or longer…

OK, so that is pretty honest.

Thankfully, while that may be my motivation for asking for more information, I have a pretty good understanding of myself and about what I am and am not capable of as a new parent.

Sure, I might be capable of more after I’ve been a parent and gained experience as one, but I’m clear about where I’m at right now, at this point in time.

I don’t feel that I will go ahead with anything that I’m not 100% certain of success. (Of course I mean “100% certain of success” in theory, because no parent is ever 100% successful all the time… I acknowledge that!) And by “success” I mean that we will knit together as a family, and that I will be able to meet the needs of the child, while falling madly in love with him/her.

What I know about him is that he is three, is doing well in his foster home, and will be attending preschool in the fall (this year).

My SW has asked for more information and has passed on the list of questions (21 in total) that I sent her. We’ll see if we get a reply.

She did say that my home study may not be chosen anyway, and then we won’t get any more information.

One thing that I have learned this week is that I can trust myself not to follow a photo alone. This was one of the discussions that was raised on a forum in response to a previous post I wrote about having a photo listing for approved parents.

Of the arguments against, was that parents are more likely to accept more than they are capable of parenting because they child “looks” a certain way. Honestly, I thought this was an interesting theory and I’m grateful to have put it to the test. The photos of this little boy were like looking at a child I wished I’d had, yet his diagnosis and circumstances were definitely too much for me.

So, desperate for possibilities or not, I’m still making good choices. Phew!

Have you felt this way during the adoption process? Were there days where you questioned your motives, where you perhaps requested information about a child that you may not have considered if there were more options?

I’d love to hear from you!

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂