I shared this article by Sarah Hitchcock from Parent Dish in the UK, about what adoptive parents wish their friends and family understood, with a support group of pre-and-post-adoptive parents.

One of the responses I received was this:

“The one thing that I have found is that it is difficult to talk to family and friends about any difficulties I may be having…”

Because they often got this response:

“You must have known it wouldn’t be easy adopting a teenager.”

To me that statement seemed to be leaving an unspoken ending to the likes of, “so shut your pie-hole about your problems.“

Wow. How cruel.

Can you imagine as a parent of any child needing a moment to discuss, or yes, even vent, about the difficulties of parenthood, and someone telling you (another parent no less) “well, you chose this and you must have known it would be tough… so… (suck it up)…”

Every parent, every one of them, has had tough times, has had moments where they thought “Oh crap, what am I doing? Is this OK? Am I failing? What on earth do you do in this situation? This is new…, oh no…, how do I handle that?”

And every parent has had moments where they were exhausted, heartbroken, scared, and uncertain.

Parenthood is the choice of all of us, no matter how we chose to make that family happen.

We all deserve a kind word when we need it, or a shoulder to cry on, or a little advice, or sometimes even an escape from the reality of parenthood.

We ALL deserve to be rejoiced for being brave enough to take on the honour of parenthood, and for what we are trying to achieve every day with every choice and every word spoken. Our intentions are never to harm, hurt, confuse, embarrass, undermine, thwart, or get angry at our children (or anyone else for that matter). That’s never the goal, but we’re human and sometimes we get overwhelmed, or we don’t know whether we’re doing the right thing even when our heart is in the right place.

(With or without children in fact, this is life, it can be messy and confusing.)

So please, when a parent comes to you and says “I don’t know if I’m doing this right…” don’t be snide, or short, or clipped, or uninterested, or judgemental, don’t point out that this was their choice and they should ‘bathe’ in it.

Instead:

• Offer them a kind word, some encouragement, and praise for the things they are doing well, or have done well in the past.
• Inspire them with a story of your own struggles and triumphs that shows you too are human and that things usually work out in the end.
• Remind them that there are always good moments mixed in with the uncomfortable.
• Help them find a glimmer of hope, or an alternate way of viewing something.
• Or…just plain listen and let them purge the fears and feelings until they find their own way to the things they are doing right. Allow them to work it through with you until they come to a place of relief.

Help a parent and child keep that precious bond ever-flowing.

One day you might need that kind, non-judgemental ear yourself.

I may not be a parent yet, but I am asking those out there with the “you chose this…” attitude to never send another parent away feeling that they are not up to the task or doomed to suffer in silence, if for no other reason than the damage it does in the immediate now to the parent/child relationship.

Imagine how reinforcing their fear impacts the relationship with their child… imagine the added tension that reinforcing this fear will cause between them when that parent goes home.

Why would anyone do that to another human being, young or old, parental or not?

I get it…I do understand that sometimes it’s scary to acknowledge someone else’s fears when we have so many of our own, sometimes it’s confronting to look at someone else having a moment of doubt or uncertainty because it reinforces that if they feel that way, then my own self-doubts and uncertainties and fears must be real too.

We all have them. We all – parent or not – have moments of fear, doubt, anxiety, and overwhelm. And what we need in those moments is reassurance that we are OK, reminders that we have made good choices and we will do so again.

Life is sometimes confusing and frightening for us all….but it is more often a tender, beautiful, and rewarding experience.

So when someone comes to you and talks about the fear they have of not being the parent they want to be to the child they love with all of their heart, give a their relationship a new boost of life. Remind them that they are doing great; remind them that being afraid of doing the wrong thing is a sign they are getting it right, if for no other reason than they are aware that they need to readjust.

Maybe it will help remind you too.

Have you had this experience as a parent? Please leave me a comment.

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂