I didn’t post last week because I have been moving through so many emotions that made me feel like I should perhaps take a step back… a self-inflicted form of censorship really. I was scared to process too much online before I was feeling a sense of clarity again.

And now I feel I want to share some of that journey…

I received the proposal package a few weeks ago for the eldest of the three girls that may become my children as mentioned in the post “Paint the walls Pink!“.

H is the only child so far that has been cleared for adoption and so I received the proposal package for her alone.

Some of the information contained within the package was interesting, some of it made me feel furious (that I wasn’t there to protect her, or support her), some of it made me cry, but overall I felt the information was lacking a certain sense of ‘who she is’.

What I read was wholly impersonal; it contained:

• Medical reports
• Assessment reports
• A couple of school reports
• Specialist reports
• A recent support worker report
  (this was the closest to what I was expecting)

There were over 100 pages of “reports”.

There were also several years of her life missing from the file. Recent years even.

The ‘package’ also only contained one photo…and this was disappointing as I was hoping for an album or a group of photos that showcased who she is and who she has been as a growing child. Truly, who wouldn’t want to see their future child in all stages of life so far, from birth to now?!

However, that one photo has been well-appreciated, printed, and saved to my phone so I can show anyone I know when we get together…that photo has been “oohed” and “aahed” over by so many wonderful friends and acquaintances, while I’ve clucked like a proud momma.

What was I expecting from the package?

I was expecting a picture to be painted of the child herself.

I was expecting statements from foster parents talking about her birthdays, and play-dates, and vacations. I was expecting information about her favourite colour, favourite toy, favourite book, favourite game, or favourite Disney princess (or any other character…!?). I was expecting to discover what she did last Halloween and her favourite part of Christmas.

I was expecting to get a “feel” for this child and what she is like as a human. Not just medical reports (though good to know), and other assorted diagnosis (also good to know)…

I was expecting something more personal.

One of the things that did make me cry – in a joyful way – was reading her record of birth. I’ve never seen one before, and didn’t realise how detailed it is. It showed the time her mom was admitted to hospital, the time her water broke, the time her contractions started, and all the levels of labour until the time of her actual birth. Then it described her weight, size, length, head diameter, and H as a newborn in those first few hours.

Reading it made me feel, just a little, like I could picture it happening, and I’m so grateful that it was included. It was perhaps the single most important thing I read.

My heart bloomed that she was born a healthy, happy baby.

I cried for joy because I’m grateful H was born and lives, and then I cried with a feeling of sadness because I would never get to experience that with her or any of my future children. That moment where they joined the world would never be mine to share with them. Except in repeating what I had found in those few sheets of paper.

Not that it will make a difference to how much I will love them, or how much of a mom I am to them, but it’s such a precious, incredible, beautiful experience to give birth (and  I, as someone who has never been through it and likely never will, have romanticized it to the extreme) and I felt the loss of not getting to share in that moment.

It also stated that her mom’s doctor had the same surname as me… and I felt that was a sign! Someone who had my surname was not only present during her birth, but was a nurturing, supportive figure in the mom’s life before, during, and after H’s birth.

Definitely a sign! 🙂

Her birthday is also four days before mine. I took this as another sign… astrological sign even (!)…we will share one and that makes me feel a little more connected to her, and a little more understanding of who she is on the inside and how she responds to life and all of its foibles.

To combat the gaps in information, which unfortunately are just simply missing…never to be recovered…I get to have a conference call this week with the current foster parents, the guardianship worker, and my social worker.

This will be the human side.

My feeling is that I want to be H’s mom and it will be good to get a broader picture from the foster parents to know what tools and skills and preparations I will need to put in my “tool box” to be the best mom I can be to her.

I have high hopes for this call and have 6 double spaced pages of questions to ask! I’m hoping that the H’s current family will be able to tell me all about the girl that she is now, and what they feel will be a good fit for H.

Why do I need to know what will be a good fit for H? Well, there is a new twist that has been suggested by H’s worker.

I have been asked to consider adopting her youngest sister, who is 17 months old, instead of her two middle sisters (5 & 7 years old).

My initial internal response to this suggestion was not so positive because I had not realistically considered a child under four in my preparations to become a mom, so a 17 month old was well below where I felt was my comfort zone.

And I had been planning/imagining/preparing for the last month or so for three girls aged 5, 7, and 8. (Note: I realise in a previous post I said they were 6, 7, 8 but now I have birthdates and the youngest is five but will turn six before the year is out.)

So this new idea took me a few days, and a lot of conversations with family and friends (thank you all for allowing me this time–repeatedly–to process!), to bring me to a place where I am now fully open to both options.

My emotional rollercoaster went along the lines of:

• No, I’m not interested in a toddler
• A toddler would not be my first choice but I’m open to discussion about what is best for all kids involved
• Still not my first choice, but I’m no longer opposed to the idea
• After much consideration and discussion of all of the angles and potential reasons why one option might be better for H than the other, and after many hours of research (I found a great site that showed the developmental stages of a child from birth to teens…it was fascinating and held me captive for hours!), and after some time to meditate… I am now warming to the idea.
• With all that I’ve learned, discussed, and considered, I am now open to either option with neither being my “first choice”

Phew!  Listed like that it doesn’t appear to be much, but this was continuous thought, discussion, consideration, research, and meditation for five days until I reached a feeling of peace.

With an open heart I evolve…

My heart is open to all of the possibilities and for whatever is best for H and her sisters.

Note: I keep mentioning what is best for H, because at this point in time I do not have any information on the other girls, so I am openly considering only what is best for H. Perhaps that was the point of not receiving any information on the other three? (Not purposely by the social worker, I’m talking ‘universe’-ally to help me reach the place of openness, in preparation for what is to come.)

From well before I walked into my social workers office over a year ago to discuss the possibility of becoming an adoptive parent, I have wanted to adopt a sibling group of two (or more).

I was definitely open to being a mom to the three girls together. And now I am also open to an 8 year old and a toddler.

My only stipulation would be that an open adoption be entered into with my children by the parents of the other siblings when they are adopted and while they are in foster care.

Without question, I want to ensure that all four girls have the opportunity (a never ending opportunity) to develop a close and loving, sisterly bond with each other that is encouraged and supported by their parents (whoever those parents may be).

This point is non-negotiable for me. I hope I am able, as the adoptive mom, to request this.

A friend of mine questioned: Would they ask you to take all four children? I have not been asked to consider this, and am uncertain how I would move forward if I was asked to consider it.

I do not like the idea of any of the girls not being placed in a forever family quickly, and if they were waiting long-term that would be hard to accept.

For now, there are two options. I am open to learning what is right for all four children involved, especially the only one I know anything about – the one who is very likely to soon become my daughter.

My heart is open to the possibilities and ready for what is about to unfold.

Thoughts? Please leave me a comment…

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂