Expectant Mother – Adoption Journey Series…

“When I was a child…”

I was talking with some friends the other night, and one of the guys was asking me about the process of adoption.

While we were talking we got onto the subject of children that hadn’t been cuddled as they were growing up, who didn’t know affection or love from their parents.

The guy scoffed and said, “My parents didn’t hug me when I was a child, and I turned out OK.  What about you?…” directing his question to the rest of the people at the table.

The whole table erupted at once.

Everyone started talking about how “Scottish” families and “British” families and “Canadian” families didn’t hug or cuddle their kids… that it was a cultural thing. And that “back in the day” when they were growing up affection wasn’t really “done”.

It was the time of “children should be seen and not heard.”

One friend even told the story that in her 40 years she had only ever been hugged by her dad once in her life!

While all of those stories were interesting and some really sad, what I found most fascinating is that most of those people (including the guy who initiated the scoff) were parents themselves.

After the hubbub died down, I asked, “What about with your kids though? Did you keep them at arm’s length or cuddle them and kiss them and tell them you loved them?”

They all said, “Well, of course I hugged and kissed my kids.”

The thing that was really fascinating to me was that they immediately reverted to children themselves when the topic of parents came up, even though most of them are parents now.

All of them reacted to their own childhood rather than responded as a parent.

This is something I want to be very conscious of as a mother. I don’t want to carry around from my childhood the, “I never…”, “my parents never…”, “no one ever…” into my children’s lives…I want to be fresh and clean of the residual ‘stuff’ from my own experiences.

So that in 5 years time when someone brings up the same topic of conversation, I will boldly pipe up without even thinking and say, “That’s why I kiss and cuddle and adore my kids and tell them I love them and how proud of them I am every single day. I make sure every day to find something I love about them and I make sure they never forget it.”

So I don’t immediately go “Pffft…when I was a kid, nobody hugged me.”

The reaction of my friends showed that the experience for them as children was still fresh, even though they’d treated their kids with love and cuddles and affection, they were still smarting from their own childhoods.

It reminded me that kids grow into big kids 🙂

Because of this, I want to make a conscious effort to deal with those feelings now. Anything that comes up that makes me feel like “No one ever did that for me…” I want to stop and examine it, take it out and look at it closely, feel around it, and consider what it was I needed or wanted as that child. Then I want to make note of what would have felt better to me, and make a commitment to myself to be that person for my children, when the opportunity arises.

How about you?

Are there conversations that you have where you instantly revert to your own childhood without answering as the grown adult that you are?

Those conversations that start with “When I was a child…”

Warm smiles and Love,
Ali Jayne