My Heart is My Guide…

Since being approved as an adoptive parent, my heart has been open – wide open – raw and sensitive to everything around me.

My heart is my guide.

When I was considering the townhouse to purchase, I was still feeling uncertain that it was a positive “kid-friendly” complex even after a second viewing. I was not yet sold. As I stood outside the building with my realtor who asked me whether I wanted to put in an offer, and I was telling her I wasn’t certain and inside I was thinking “I need a sign, it’s too much; I’m so confused.”

At that exact moment, seven kids went burling past on their bikes… the littlest one at the back of the pack yelled out “H! Wait!” calling out the name of my potential future daughter!

A bubble of laughter rose within me and I said, “Ok, let’s just have another look around the exterior.”

So we walked around the back, past the other townhouses and came to a patch of grassy area where all the kids on bikes were now playing, doing cartwheels and laughing and looking closely at the ground (ants or something!).

Two moms were there supervising so my realtor – thank goodness for her – went over and introduced us. I can be a bit shy sometimes and I was planning the “nod & keep walking” routine. So she introduced me as “Ali is considering buying number 27 and is adopting three children!”

Okay, so she has no boundaries. Oh well.

They were very warm and welcoming.

They told me all about the place, all about the wonderful community feel, and how all the kids go to the same school. This also happens to be the elementary school that I have chosen as “the one” for my kids from the six government elementary schools in our town.

One mom told me that her husband works away a lot so she’s often a “single mom” and has called on every one of her neighbours at one point or another for help, and they’ve never let her down. The other mom told me that they arrange group BBQ’s in the summer and she makes a mean cosmopolitan! (not that I drink those, but still…she sounds fun!)

They told me about the strata and how they have a no noise after 10pm rule because they are all families with small kids who need to sleep – and parents who need a break!

Sounds good right?


I was sold.

So I put in an offer.

This was countered, and after talking with my mortgage broker, I told my realtor what my top-dollar was… so of course my top-dollar was accepted. (I felt a bit stupid about confiding that number to her actually… live & learn!).

My top-dollar was higher than I’d wanted to go – especially with the home improvements that need doing immediately: new bathroom, carpet, and all new appliances because they are very old, very used, and I want to have a “clean slate” for my precious family.

I had two weeks to get all of my quotes for the home improvements to make the place livable, and know if it was affordable for me before I was at the point of no return.

Then an incident occurred on the day I had the home inspection guy and three contractors booked. My realtor had given me two evenings after work to do this and I’d lined up these four people for the one day, and one guy for the following day.

The tenant was not happy about this; he aggressively and un-politely demanded that we leave his house. His anger was directed at me personally, even though I explained to him that I’d lined this all up with my realtor days ago.

He made it very LOUD and clear that I was not to return and was breaking his tenancy agreement… then the realtor showed up, with the owner in tow, and things got even louder… It was a tense, frightening experience that left me feeling threatened and drowned in negativity.

My desire to follow my heart, follow how I feel along this momentous life-changing path I’m walking right now, is very strong. If it feels good I take another step, if it feels bad I take a pause…or in this case…a step back.

So I took the night to consider what had happened, (after I cried and showered to wash away the negativity). I read through the home inspection report (that cost me $500! Grrrr…), and decided to withdraw my offer based on the negativity of the incident, as well as the additional costs outlined in the report.

The minute I sent the email to withdraw my offer, I felt a huge whoosh of relief. I have not regretted that decision not even a little. A good sign I am making the right choices.

I want our family to start off on the most positive foot that I can create, both physically and – perhaps even most importantlyenergetically.

The moms that I met at the townhouse complex did give me hope that there would be some great people in my future, and reminded me that there are always new friends to be made and new support groups that will naturally emerge into a part of our lives. It was uplifting, encouraging, and I am thankful to have had the experience.

I am also grateful to the aggressive tenant and the pause he provided, had that incident not happened, I may have surged ahead skimming the report and ending up in a mountain of debt. He provided a slap-in-the-face big neon sign, “YOU ARE PAYING TOO MUCH” the sign read.

If the price were to come down about $15,000…I’d definitely reconsider as I did feel that after renovations had been done, we would have been very happy there, but not at the current price with all that needs doing.

Take one step back…And breathe a moment.

With no townhouse on the horizon, I had to make peace with the idea of renting…and then a whole lot of new rental places appeared on the sites I’d been scouring. Everything started to feel positive and hopeful once more.

As happens when you relax and go with the flow, a few days ago someone posted their townhouse to a Facebook buy/sell page! It’s a “for sale by owner” so no realtors driving the price up this time, in the same part of town (directly across the road actually).

I’m going to view it today.

This was a complex I was interested in the first time around, but there was nothing available…so I’m feeling hopeful about it. This one is a little more expensive, and will be a bit of a stretch, but from what I’ve read nothing needs “doing”. The ad reads that it has all new appliances, more square footage, an enclosed garage, plus the complex has green-space and a playground for kids… so maybe this is the one.

I will be keeping my eyes open, and my emotions as much in check as I can manage! If it feels right, I’ll take the next step, if it doesn’t, I will stand still and breathe.

Whether it is this place, another, or a rental, I have faith that we will have a wonderful place to live…

Tomorrow I should receive the proposal package for the three girls I mentioned in the Paint the walls Pink! post.

I am still feeling very excited that these could be my children, and feeling encouraged by the network of adoptive parents and friends I’ve been making recently, but I am looking through clear lenses again, the rose-coloured ones are off for the time being.

My heart never leads me astray, the outcome is always positive, but because my heart often focuses mostly on the end result and the joy to be had, sometimes ‘she’ doesn’t lead me down the easiest path.

I want this path to be as easy as possible for all involved. These are big life changing decisions, my heart must be 100% committed and my practical self has to be dancing in perfect harmony with these beautiful and emotional choices.


My heart is my guide, and for the time being ‘she’ is working closely with my head too…

As always, if this post sparks a comment or suggestion or a story of your own that you’d like to share, please use the comment box below…I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Warm smiles and Love,

Ali Jayne 🙂

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